EP 81. Genuine Love in Marriage; Agape Love (PT 2 of 2), The Love that Lasts, It's More than a Feeling; 6 Vital Ways of Loving Your Spouse

Welcome to the Married in Love it podcast.

We're Greg and Linda Smith, your hosts from Raleigh, North Carolina.

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And Lovett, it's an honor and privilege to have you join us.

Hey, thanks for joining us today to get your weekly dose of married and love it.

It's your boozer shot for the week.

And today we're continuing the series genuine love and six vital ways of loving your spouse.

And today we're going to pick back up where we left off on agave love, the love that lasts.

And it's more than a feeling.

So it's part two on that and the number six that we're with today.

It's the last one of all the six that we've been talking about.

So let's look at our foundation scripture.

I always want to share this for us for this podcast and for our ministry and for this series.

Ecclesiastes 9.

9.

It says to enjoy life.

That's what God's plan for you, is for you to be enjoying your life.

And if you have the blessing to be married, God wants you to enjoy it with your spouse, not endure.

Not to put up with, not to just be roommates with, but to enjoy life.

Because you know what?

If your marriage isn't where it needs to be, then you may not be enjoying life.

So if you just learn how to minister to your spouse and y' all become a team, look out.

Because God's blessings are going to overtake you.

So enjoy life with your spouse, whom you love, whom you love.

Six different ways that we're talking about every day of your life.

Now, it doesn't say six ways in the scripture.

That's, that's the version right there.

But there's six ways to love that you need to be applying to your lives.

Now, Colossians 3:14 is another one we stand by.

And this one talks about the need to put on love.

And that's what agape love, all of them need to be put on.

But agape love is the key foundation to all the other loves, because it's not a feeling, it's.

It's action.

It's like the glue.

Yes.

So without Going into a whole lot of review, we do have episodes 69 and 70 and then 76 through 80 that we've already recorded.

Talking about all the different loves.

And real quick, Fileto is number one, warm.

It's warm friendship, companionship.

It's you and your spouse being best friends.

It does not say roommates.

Eros, that's the romantic, the physical type, the butterflies, the.

The romance that we all like.

Store gay is about family, affection, security, a sense of belonging, that you belong to your spouse and you belong in that marriage and that family.

Ahava, which is what is used in Ecclesiastes 9.

Nine means commitment, devotion, affection, care, self giving and a concern for other people.

It's actually all of them kind of wrapped up that we look at in the New Testament.

And epith.

Epithelium, that one right there, always epithelium.

Here we go.

It means to have a strong desire, a good normal desire for your spouse and for your relationship.

A longing, a craving.

It's the good and deep type of longing in your heart.

It's heartfelt.

Is to set the heart on.

Now that's a Hebrew word and the arrest of the Greek words.

Now we've talked about in previous episodes and this is important.

Just like your car has six cylinders, if you have a six cylinder car, oh, that's good.

And one of those cars got a bad.

One of those cylinders has a bad spark plug or that cylinder is not performing properly, your car will not accelerate.

It may be bumping.

It's not a smooth ride and you're not getting good performance.

So all those cylinders need to be lined up.

And that's what we're saying here.

In your marriage, you need to have the phileo, the eros, the store gate, the ahava, the epithemia, all working in your marriage.

And you're going to have a smooth running marriage.

So agape, which is God's unconditional love, that's the foundation for love to be built on.

That's the foundation for all of these loves that we've already talked about to be built on.

In Philippians 2 it says in verses 3 and 4, do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important as himself.

Do not merely look out for your own personal interest.

Now this has got to be the amplified version, but also for the interest of others.

Well, basically it's self giving, exact sacrificial.

It's not what I can get, but it's what I can Give.

Now, this is the highest form of love.

Not mere, like Greg said, not merely a feeling, but it's a deliberate choice to seek another person's good.

Even if when it requires sacrifice, it means as a husband and wife to choose to love each other every day regardless of changing emotions or circumstances.

That's right.

And just thinking about the feelings, about being feelings, you know, a lot of people run their life on feelings.

Good love is crazy because you can have that one moment where you're holding hands and you got these feel good feelings going on and you're in love and.

And then five minutes later your spouse can say or do something and you just tense up.

Those fun feelings are gone and you.

Some people get where they can feel the anger coming on them and that's not the way love is supposed to be.

That's when we put on that agape love and we choose to love and bring things back in.

Yeah, it's more than a feeling, definitely.

So we looked at the first five and now we're going to start with ver.

Not verse six, but number six.

And this one is Ephesians 4, 31, 32.

It talks about this.

It's.

This was always forgive, you need to forgive.

And Ephesians 4:31 says, and be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God has forgiven you.

You know, we have to have tender hearts.

And you know what one of the keys to tender hearts is?

Spending time with God, allowing God to minister to you, your relationship with God, then that takes that stony heart.

A lot of times when we ask God to come in and work on us if we're have, especially if we're having problems forgiving because you know, when your heart gets stony and hard, it's hard to forgive someone, it's hard to love them because that heart has gotten hard.

And God can help you massage your heart and be able to forgive.

Because unforgiveness will build walls and destroy your marriage.

Yeah, it's a poison.

It's a poison.

I mean, people can literally get sick, get cancer and other diseases and have physical problems because they hold on to anger, they allow bitterness to come in.

And if that gets into your, your marriage, that can start off as a one little thing.

And if you don't deal with it, it can grow into a cancer that can destroy you and your marriage.

And now what we're talking about here is we're not.

We're not.

We could do a third, three or four podcasts on forgiveness.

We're, that's not our goal today is to teach you all of that.

But if you are you, if you are struggling with forgiveness, a book I would recommend.

It's called Beauty to Ashes by Joyce Meyers.

And she does a powerful story how God helped her forgive.

I believe it's her parents and maybe other people too because of the view and, and so there's ways to do it.

So seek help if, if you're having a real struggle here.

I mean sometimes, I mean a spouse can have an affair or they lie directly to you, or it could just.

Be a small disappointment that continues to be a disappointment on a regular basis.

Right.

Because sometimes the little disappointments, that's not a big deal.

But if it's one disappointment, another disappointment, like Linda said, it builds up momentum.

Before long that heart gets hard.

Hard.

And so my encouragement to new if you've got a spouse who's dealing with some unforgiveness to work on yourself because you don't want to be contribute continuing to contribute to their heart getting harder.

You kind of got to put on your love.

Love clothes and put on love to help in that area.

And we got to remember that forgiving it, it takes time.

Decision number one.

And it's not a feeling.

That's right.

That's right.

And a hug is much better than a wall, isn't it?

Yes, yes.

But yes.

I just want to say, say that it, it can take time to.

You're still, you can forgive and that's the decision part.

Yes.

But the feeling of forgiveness is.

May come later and it may take some time to do that.

Yeah.

So but just think about it.

Hugging and holding your spouse is way more fun than holding on to unforgiveness in your heart.

Right.

Yeah.

And I think point with Linda is bringing out there is you can have a little skirmish, maybe somebody says something wrong or you have a little disagreement about something.

I mean there's tension in the air, but it's not like a dagger going in, you know, and that's the time, man, just run over there and say I'm sorry and get a hug, a kiss, do a 10 second kiss and, and get to where you can just laugh it off and move on.

I mean that happens with Lynn.

A lot of times we'll say something or do something and we'll get a hug or a kiss or.

But we, we both been together for 49 years, so we know kind of what's going on when something happens.

It's, you know, well, we screwed up.

It's good to give grace to Yourself.

That's a good part right here.

You know, when they make a mistake, not only give them time, but give them grace.

Yeah.

You know, and then here's another thought.

People and women are notorious for this.

Refuse to keep a list.

Yeah.

Of past offenses.

Now, that can be so destructive in a marriage is if you got to listen, you.

You say, well, way back in 2001, and here we are, 20, 26, you did this and you did this and you did what happened.

You know, don't.

Okay, wipe those lists away.

You know, don't keep a list of past offenses.

Right.

Yes.

And I think, like you said, the wives are more prone to do that.

Guys, we forgive or we forget.

That doesn't mean guys don't hold on grudges.

They do believe.

They don't keep the list the way wives.

Women may do.

And like what Linda said a few minutes ago about give grace to your spouse.

You know, if you're.

If your spouse apologizes for something they said or did and you can see they're trying to.

To do better, give them grace.

Just, you know, one of the worst things you can do is say, promise me you'll never say that again.

You're setting your spouse up for failure.

Yeah.

So many people don't ever do this or say that or you're toast or something.

And.

And then they're two days later they do it and you're ready to divorce them for something.

That's.

That's not the way it works.

You need to realize that your spouse, hopefully you can see that they're trying to grow.

They're trying to excel better in the love walk.

They're trying to control their tongue or their actions.

So give them room to grow.

Give them the grace to say, all right, you, you.

Where they can even say, you know what, I messed up today, but I'm really trying, and tomorrow I'm going to do better.

Right.

You know, and.

And give them that grace.

Because you know what?

You need that grace also.

So give your spouse room to learn and grow and to change every.

And.

And if you see they are making an effort, oh, yeah, you can go, hey, you know what?

I've noticed you've been holding your tongue more or you're.

You're not doing.

Catching yourself doing A, B and C like you were.

I am so proud of you.

You know what?

That just fills my love tank.

Encourage them and build them up when you see them making progress in these areas.

Yeah, that's good.

Like when Greg and I were near divorce and we decided to Work it out.

I made that decision.

I'm going to stay.

We're going to work this out.

And Greg had to learn and grow and change, and so did I.

There was things on me, but it took about two to three years for it, for that, because things would come up and it'd be like, oh, are we going to deal with this again?

You know, And I'd be in my head, I'd be rolling my eyes, like, seriously.

But you know what?

It takes time and give your spouse that grace and give them that time to.

To learn and grow.

Yes, very important.

I remember one time, Linda and I, I guess we'd been married probably about eight or nine years, I can't remember, But I remember we were laying in bed one night, and I guess we were in bed, and for some reason we had an argument or discussion.

And I just.

I don't get mad real easy, but when I do, I can, I guess, get mad.

But anyway, I remember I was mad that night, and I have never been one to run off and hide or do that.

And we were laying in bed and I just said, you know what?

Bless God, I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.

I had never done that, even thought about that and made fun of people that do that stuff.

And I remember I got up and I went into the living room and I was.

Had my blanket and pillow, and I'm.

I'm.

Bless God, I'm going to sleep in here tonight.

And I started thinking, why am I in here sleeping?

I can be in bed with my wife and this is stupid.

So I got back up, went back in there and talked to her, and before long, we were laughing our heads.

Off about what happened, laughing about the whole situation.

Sometimes you just got to get a grip and say, what am I doing?

Why am I act.

Why am I so mad for?

Is it that big a deal, really?

Anyway, let's go to number seven.

Well, number seven is committed.

We're committed to each other in tough times.

Yes.

And in your relationship, maybe it's your health, money, job loss, maybe kids, family.

I mean, the list is endless.

You know, that's what we call the marriage buster stuff that's going on.

Well, make the decision.

You are not going to abandon your spouse or you're not going to abandon your marriage, which that can be as simple as leaving the marriage where the D word should never be mentioned about.

Or just shutting them out.

Yeah, you know,.

Mates.

You're just in the same house.

You're in the same house.

But don't Shut your spouse out.

Don't shut them out.

That's abandoning the marriage.

Okay.

Be committed to each other in those tough times.

Remember your vows for better or worse, right?

Yes.

A lot of times we, we don't remember our vows.

People just say their wedding vows like nonchalant, and they don't even realize how powerful those vows really are.

So remember your vows to stay committed in better or worse.

Yeah, you know, a lot of people don't even put bet for better, for worse or sickness or anything in their days.

They don't.

Yeah, that's so true.

For better or for worse.

It's not a negative commit can.

It's not a negative confession saying for better or worse.

That.

Just saying if worse times come, I'm committed with you.

We're committed to these.

We're committed to each other.

I've got a little saying here.

I don't know if I wrote it or got it from somebody, but it says when problems arrive, anyone can quit.

Any coward can blame someone else for the problems.

But it takes a man or woman of God to put their feet on the ground and say, devil, you will not have my marriage.

And God, what can I do to make this marriage work?

That's good.

That's an attitude to have.

And Maribor, that's really good.

Maribel Morgan said years ago, it's always too soon to give up.

You know what, you don't know what's going to happen.

That could break it.

There's a book out called Three feet from Gold where this man was vested his whole life into finding gold and he gave up, sold his mine shaft that he's working into somebody.

And later on, that guy dug just three more feet and hit one of the biggest gold mine reserves in history.

The guy gave up three feet from gold.

Don't give up.

Don't give up.

Come together as a team.

Face the challenges in your marriage.

You know, don't become enemies.

Linda likes to put.

Put a sticky note up on her forehead.

Sometimes a long time ago or somewhere around when we get have a little discussion.

I am not your enemy.

That's what the stuff sticky note says.

And I'll just put it on my forehead and turn to him and say, read the sticky note.

Yeah, and, and come together as a team.

A lot of times, you know, they say people, it's not.

They fall out of love, life hits them, financial problems hit a death happens, struggles.

The struggles come in and a health challenge comes in and the, the tension and everything that happens from that causes them to drift apart.

So come together.

I know Linda.

And when we.

She started having this last series, last 13, 14 years now, whatever it's been, you know what?

We had her having health challenges.

We went through a situation with our business.

We had financial situations hitting us and then another back surgeries and other things going on in our marriage and constant going on.

We.

But what, you know, what we did, we stood in faith.

We believe God and his grace, and it got us through.

But that could have easily sent us away or put bitterness in our hearts or turned us against one another, because we would have let the situations control our destiny and not our teamwork.

You know, there was a couple we met one time in a doctor's office, and they were there together, but they shared the story about when their daughter was 15 years old, she got cancer or leukemia or something, and things weren't looking good.

The hospital actually warned them that when this happens to children, a lot of times they get sick, and especially if they pass away, it drives the husband and wife apart.

And sure enough, their daughter died, and the wife went her way, he went his way, and it caused them to separate because they were going through the grieving and.

And all the different.

I can't remember all the details, but they were going through it all.

And then finally they kind of came to their senses and said, you know what?

We need to get back together.

And I think they got some counseling and they got back together again.

But that challenge, that's an extreme one, but that just shows how you.

You would think if you have a challenge, you want to come together as a team.

But so many people, they get caught up in themselves or the grief, the hurt or the offense, the tensions and the fear.

And instead of running to God and to their spouse, they run to themselves and defeat comes.

So commit to each other in the tough times, and hopefully you don't ever have to face the major ones that come along.

But you know what?

Sometimes it can be little things that start the ball rolling for unforgiveness or disappointments.

And before long, little things are what destroys.

What's the saying?

Don't let the little fox in ruin the vine.

That's right.

Well, speak the language of love.

That would be number eight.

Yes.

You know, just be nice.

You know, catch yourself, Just be nice.

That's all you got to do.

Ephesians 4.

29 Says, Let no one not want.

Let no one wholesome word proceed from your mouth.

Ooh, watch your tongue, women.

Watch your tongue.

But only such a word as good for edification, according to the need of the moment that it may give grace to those who hear that is profound.

That is such a great.

Talks about the tongue.

Yeah, the power of the tongue.

The power of the tongue.

Speak the language.

We say put love on.

And part of putting love is your.

When you read all the scriptures with the fruit of the spirit, or in Colossians before it says to put on love, it tells you what to take off.

And that's like anger and foul speech and different things.

So speaking the language love should give encouragement.

Yes.

It promotes healing in your relationships and to other people.

Not.

We're not just talking spiritual healing.

We're talking that emotional healing and encourages them.

It gives praise, it offers support.

It will build faith.

See, you're speaking blessings and appreciation.

That's the language of love.

It's gentle, it's kind, it's.

And it's comforting.

So allow your language to be a language of love.

And that's where we talk about sometimes when we.

When we go into the love part and putting on the fruit of the spirit, sometimes you.

You want to say something that's gonna degrade, it's gonna hurt.

That last word, it's condemning, it's judgmental.

And that's when the Holy Spirit taps you on the shoulder and says, no, no, no, no, don't, don't do that.

And you go, but this would be perfect to say.

And the Holy Ghost, no, you need to speak the language of love.

You got about half a second to put on love or you're going to screw this up royally.

And it's going to escalate and you'll be.

You'll be on the couch, you know, and that's when you go, okay, okay, I'm going to speak love.

I'm going to encourage.

I'm going to repent.

I'm going to ask them to forgive me.

I'm going to forgive them.

I'm going to build them up and say, man, I know you messed up, but you know what?

You've got the ability to do this and this and this and you can exceed.

So how we say what we're talking about is so important.

So watch your tone, also your volume and your body, because you could be saying the right thing.

But if your tone's off, your volume's wrong, or your body language is speaking, it kind of blows it out of the water.

So speak the language of love.

And what's the next one, dear?

Love is a decision.

We've talked a lot about that, but truly it is.

It's a choice.

It's not a feeling.

It's a.

It's a decision to love the other person.

It's not based on feelings.

Just like I had made that decision to love Greg when I didn't feel it.

I didn't feel like doing all that when we were on the verge of splitting up, laying in bed that night,.

That afternoon, and says, you know what, Greg?

I don't love you anymore.

She may not even like me.

I don't remember now.

Yeah.

But she.

I don't love you.

And then she ended up having to do what again?

I made that decision.

I'm going to stick with it.

I'm going to be committed to this marriage.

And God had asked me because of God, because of a friend of ours, Ginger.

She had said, just give him time.

He wants to change.

Give him time to make the changes in your marriage that are required.

So I made the decision to love Greg because of God, because of Ginger.

And it's a decision.

You got to remember your vows in better or for worse.

I put on love at that moment in time.

Yeah.

Even though I wasn't feeling it, my heart had gotten hard.

So love is a decision.

And see, what I had to do when she did that, that didn't mean.

Oh, man, I dodged the bullet.

No, I had to do.

I had to be.

This is going to lead into number 10.

I had to put on love and make myself and be lovable.

If she's going to stay, then I got to have her give her something to stay because I didn't want her just to love me because she decided to love me.

I want it to be something that.

That deserved.

We're not talking about.

Try not to get into performance.

But I wanted to make it easier to love me, that she didn't have to do it by faith, that she loved me because, oh, man, this guy is too good to let go.

And it was fact.

All right, so number 10 is be lovable.

And how do you do that?

Well, work on the action points that we've given you from last episode to this episode, the 10 action points.

So work on those, apply them, and then apply all.

So employ all the different love styles that we talked about, all six of them.

And a big key to all of this is be kind and be nice.

I listened to a lady called Dr. Laura.

You may have heard her on the radio before.

She gives marriage advice.

She says, number one, choose correctly.

Too many people find the wrong spouse.

They ignore the red flags.

But once you get somebody, be kind.

Treat them kindly if you'll do that.

That's an easy recipe.

Recipe, Yeah, I was trying to figure out.

Easy recipe for success.

Yes.

Oh, let me close with this right here.

This is a quote.

Author is unknown, but this is really good.

It says love is friendship that has caught fire.

It is a quiet understanding of mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving.

It is loyalty through the good and bad times.

It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

Love is content with the present.

It hopes for the future and doesn't brood over the past.

It's the day in and day out of irritations, problems, compromises and small disappointments, big victories and working toward common goals.

If you have love in your life, it can make up for a mate.

It can make up for a great many things you lack if you don't have it.

No matter what else there is, it is not enough.

Author unknown.

Yep.

Okay, well, first, Thessalonians 4, 9, 10 says, you have been putting on love, but excel still more.

So once you put that love on, you're encouraged through the scriptures to excel even more.

In this way, agape becomes more than just an emotion, becomes a daily decision to reflect God's love within that marriage.

Within your marriage.

When agape is combined with your filet, oh, which is best friends, dorge, family affection, eros, romantic intimacy, and you know, the others that we've talked about, Agape provides a strong biblical foundation for a healthy, Christ centered marriage.

Now I read this and I, and I've kind of changed it around a little bit for my own benefit, but I like to read this out loud and I put my name in there.

God is love.

It's.

Oh, it's the love confession.

First Corinthians 13, 4 through 8 and here it is.

And we'll put this in the show notes for you.

God is love and the love of God is in me.

Therefore I endure long and I am patient and kind.

I'm never envious or jealous.

I'm not boastful or proud.

I'm never haughty, selfish or rude.

I'm never irritable or touchy.

I'm never resentful and I don't hold grudges.

I hardly even notice when others may do wrong.

I expect and believe in the best of every person and will defend them no matter what anyone else may say.

The love of God in me never fails, therefore I never fail.

And love is my greatest aim.

And a lot of times I'll put in there, like down here at the bottom.

I hardly even notice when others may do wrong.

I'LL put Greg's name in there.

I hardly even notice when Greg may do wrong.

I expect and believe the best of Greg and I will defend Greg no matter what anyone else may say.

I mean, you can change it around and make that confession work for you and your marriage.

Well, that gets us through the six vital ways of loving your spouse.

And again, we want you to listen to those, go through them, listen to them and learn what each way of loving your spouse is and what it represents.

Because you, we want your marriage to be smooth running and get all six of these types of love working in your marriage.

And, and also you can be an example for your spouse if they're, you're kind of having to pull them along to get on board.

And also if you've got kids, even grown kids, they're going to be watching how well you love your spouse.

So you're investing into your own marriage to your spouse and your children and your grandchildren by how you respond and how you put on love.

That's right.

So you can be married and love it so you can have a marriage that's blessed that you're enjoying every day of your life.

Now next week, next episode we're going to talk about getting back that loving feeling because we talked about the song you've lost that loving feeling.

Linda sang it for a second.

But we're going to talk about maybe some ways if you're struggling that we're going to share some ways to help you with that.

So right now let me go over a couple of honeydews for you.

Okay.

Review the points and evaluate which ones you can work on.

Look at the ones we shared today and the ones we shared last episode.

Read Linda's love confession make print it out and, and put it on a wall somewhere and just read that if you're struggling in that area of love, read it even if you're not.

And again, the 10 second kiss all the time.

Grab your spouse, say come over here, love her and say I want to give you a good 10 second kiss.

Set your timer and display a good kiss.

On the matter of fact, you can do that two or three times a day if you want.

Doesn't always have to be 10 seconds.

You can go longer, shorter, but always get that one good 10 second kiss in.

There you go.

Well, your feedback, it does matter to us and we want to hear your comments.

If you got questions, comments to ask and if there's any particular topic you would like us to cover, let us know what that is.

Send us a text, voicemail or email us.

We got the phone number and email address in our show notes.

And if you have a prayer need, reach out to us.

We will be praying.

We pray for our married and loving family on a regular basis.

So send that our way.

And again, thank you for joining us today.

We hope that you've gotten inspired by today's message.

We'll see you next time.

And until they remember this, you can be married and love it on purpose.