EP 76. Genuine Love in Marriage - Best Friends or Roommates – 6 Vital Ways of Loving Your Spouse (PT 3 of 6)

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Now today's episode, we're gonna pick up on the series we had started on genuine love and marriage.

And today it's best friends or roommates, part of the six vital ways of loving your spouse.

Back in episode 69 and 70, we talked about several different words that explain different aspects of loving your spouse that come from the Bible.

Yes.

And those six words are agape, ahava, eros, epithumia, fililo, and stoe.

Now, those words all describe different aspects of love.

And in our marriage, when we say I love you, we should be applying and living all six of those words.

But so many times today in our lives, we get one or two of those definitions or aspects of love operating in our marriage.

And if we're not operating on all six cylinders, then our.

Our love life is going to be missing.

Like a car.

If you got six cylinders in a car and one cylinder is not working, what happens?

It sputters.

It doesn't have full power and it can't perform the way it needs to be.

So in our love life, if we're only operating on one or two cylinders of our love power, then we are, we're going to be.

We're going to have problems.

And that's why we're going to be talking about roommates, because Filio, that word talks about being best friends.

So that.

But you can't just be best friends.

You got to have these others operating in it.

So it's like a cake recipe, right?

It's like a cake recipe.

Yes, miss.

If you don't put all the ingredients in there, then it turns out yucky.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

And so many times, even us teaching, a lot of times we'll mention these different types of love, but all the emphasis a lot of times can be on the agape love, which we haven't covered yet.

But it deals more with putting the other person first, serving them, forgiving them.

And that's all good.

But if you leave out the Eros, then you're leaving out the sexual and romantic side of your relationship.

And then you leave out a couple of these other ones and before long, what do you become?

You become a good roommate.

So that's why we're talking about this.

It's very.

I think this is one of the most important ones that we're going to work on.

But they're all important.

That's why you got to have all six cylinders running.

Yeah.

And our base scrap scripture was Ecclesiastes 9:9, which really this is what we do our whole ministry on.

And it talks about God says, enjoy life with the spouse whom you love all the days of your life.

He tells us the love.

And that's all six of these words.

And ahava is the word they use in the Old Testament where that scripture's from.

And it covers.

It's kind of an all purpose love.

And then it gets broke down more when we get into the New Testament side.

So our goal really is when we say I love you to know what we're saying, that's what it really comes down to.

So when I tell Linda I love you, I'm.

And I start demonstrating it.

Yes, we want to do people's love languages and all that, but we need to know what it means really to love.

Because if we're not loving all the way, then we got problems.

So we recommend you to go to episode 69 and 70 where we lay a foundation for what we're going to talk about, what love is and what we should be doing about it in episode 69.

And then episode 70 is really cool because we go into Proverbs and we look at what it means to have a love affair.

So listen to those after you maybe you've listened to this and just get a full picture of what's going on.

Yeah.

Well, today we're going to be looking at the, the filet o love.

And I don't know if I even said that correctly.

And like you said, it's a Greek New Testament word that describes love.

It means to love with deep affection, friendship.

It's fondness toward one another.

It's a warm personal attachment.

Now that is kind of like a basic across the board, like if you're just friends with the person, but if you apply it in a marriage, well,.

You know, you just brought out a warm personal attachment.

And it's friendship.

I hear a lot of times, like when we were had Our marriage situation.

You said you didn't even love me.

Right.

You know, but maybe you like me.

Maybe you didn't like me either.

But there's a lot of time in marriages, you'll hear spouses say, and a lot of times they're just kind of joking, but really there's a truth to it.

They'll say, I love my husband or I love my wife, but I do not like them.

Yeah.

Now, sometimes it's because they had a fight that morning, but sometimes they really don't like them, or they can handle being around them, but they just don't want to be around them to do anything.

So this is very powerful, what we're going to talk about.

So.

So it's enjoying your spouse's company and delighting your relationship with them is basically what you're saying.

That's right.

You know, it's a friendship, it's a tenderness within your marriage.

You actually enjoy one another's company.

Say that again.

You enjoy one another's company.

Yes.

You know, the warm affection toward each other.

And like, you have loyalty, you're devoted, you have that emotional closeness.

You know, it's.

You just enjoy spending time together.

Right, Right.

Whether you're just holding hands or hugging, showing affection that way, or laughing together and sharing interest and.

Or speaking kindly toward one another, encouraging each other, it's being emotionally available.

I think that's important to know.

Right, Right.

Finding.

Because, like a roommate.

If it's roommate syndrome, you're not going to be emotionally available for a roommate.

Not really.

Right.

No.

It's caring about your spouse's feelings and.

And daily experiences.

So Linda just went through and gave a basic definition of what the filial love comes down to.

All right, now, we're going to break that down again in a few more moments, but I want to bring out this point, unfortunately, and today, many marriages are dealing with their roommate syndrome.

And maybe you feel like that's where you're at in your marriage.

Maybe you've been there and come out of it.

Or sometimes everybody just super busy.

What do you hear people say all the time?

Can't go to church this morning.

We can't do this.

Can't go on a date because we're busy.

And it's usually doing something with the kids or you're working late.

But roommate syndrome can happen because you're being so busy, because they're so busy, because all you're doing is like two ships passing at night.

That's true.

Yeah, that's right.

And you know what?

You Just don't become a roommate.

One day you say, hey, we're lovers.

The next day, oh, we're roommates.

It's a gradual thing.

So maybe you feel like maybe right now you feel like, you know, we're doing pretty good.

We're not.

We're not roommates.

Listen to a lot of the little points we're bringing and just use it as a checklist to do a.

A self check.

Hey, yeah, do like a mental checklist.

I really feel this way.

Or do I feel this way over here or this way over here?

And allow the holy spirit to come in.

As we're reading these different things that talk about characteristics of being a roommate or best friends or companionship, see how they apply to you in your marriage.

All right, Being a roommate, this is what it means.

Being roommates in a marriage means that the husband and wife may still live together and function as a household, but the marriage has lost much of its emotional, relational, and intimate connection.

Yeah.

And what we're going to do is compare what fileto characteristics are compared to being a roommate while you live together.

But you feel that emotional distance.

Right, right, right.

You talk mostly about practical things like bills or maybe your schedule, the children, chores, but you're not really talking about your feelings, dreams, or concerns.

Right.

Yeah.

You spend little meaningful time together.

Yeah.

Like, you might sleep in the same house, but you have little or no physical affection or intimacy.

You function more like a co manager of a household than a husband and wife.

Actually, you stopped looking at each other for companionship, comfort, encouragement, or friendship.

Yeah.

You're probably looking to see who's vacuuming the floors, washing the dishes, and making sure the bills are paid.

Yeah, that's right.

And then your conversation is like, did we get the bill paid on time?

Or how come you didn't do this?

Or stop at the store?

Yeah.

You may have separate interest activities or friends or even separate routines and rarely share life together.

Yeah.

It's like you go in different directions.

Right.

There's little curiosity about what the other person may actually be thinking or experiencing.

Yeah.

And right now, if, especially with special interest or activities, do you know who your, your wife or husband's friends are?

Yeah.

You know what they're really interested in?

Do you know what, what maybe one of their hobbies is?

Yeah.

Maybe they've been too busy to play.

But do you, do you know to say, hey, how's your golf game going?

Yeah.

You know, so also you're just coexisting or cohabitating.

Yeah.

So now what we're going to do is do a deep dive in filio and replace cohabitation.

That's what we call this, what we're looking at here with the roommates.

Cohabitation with commodity.

There's that word I know I have.

A hard time saying.

Camaraderie, commodity.

Yes.

I guess that's the companionship and being just best friends.

We're going to compare those with cohabitation and just being roommates.

It's very interesting what we have here.

The following describes what phileo looks.

Phileo love looks like and it's three parts.

And so the first one would be comradeship, meaning a strong feeling of friendship, trust, loyalty and mutual support between two people who share an experience or goal or responsibility.

In other words, it's, it's like the bond people develop when they go through things together and they look out for one another.

Now, you might have friends who have gone through difficult times and you've been there for them together.

Then you might have a deep sense of comradeship.

But in marriage, comradeship can describe the husband and wife being partners, their teammates, their friends, and they support each other through life's different challenges.

That might happen.

Now here's the next one.

Companionship.

Companionship in marriage means having a deep sense of togetherness, friendship, partnership, and a shared life with your spouse.

You can see right now if you compare this to, to the roommates, the difference that's there.

A big difference.

It's more than simply living in the same house.

Right.

You know, not just, just because your roommates doesn't mean you're, you're evil people.

You're just so dang busy, you, you just lost the connections that you've had.

Yeah.

And that can lead the major problems down the road.

But it's, it's, it's really easy to fix and we're going to look at that.

So it's more than just living in the same house.

It means choosing.

Oh yeah, everybody say that loud.

Choosing.

It's choosing to share life with each other.

Your time, experiences, thoughts, joys, difficulties and dreams.

Well, it's being together.

In other words, like.

Yes.

Enjoying ordinary things together, like talking, eating, walking, traveling, or simply just sitting down together.

Yeah.

Yep.

It's friendship with your spouse.

It's someone that you genuinely enjoy being around and talking to.

It's emotional closeness.

In other words, it's feeling that you can share your thoughts and feelings without being dismissed or rejected.

That's a big one right there.

That is.

I think so.

Because a lot of times we, we, we, we we shut people down.

If they start talking, we say that's stupid.

Or we're not paying attention when they're.

Talking, we're not listening.

Yeah.

We're being distracted.

Or we just act like we're not interested in what's going in their life.

It just shuts them down.

And that leads to that roommate situation.

Yeah.

It's a.

Like a mutual support.

Right, right.

Standing beside one another during difficult times and then celebrating each other's successes in life.

That's so important when you're supporting your spouse.

Yeah.

When they got difficulties going on at work.

Now, Linda's been recovering from several surgeries over the years.

I've stood there by her, helping her.

You know, not just when she's come out of the hospital, but you know what, when she's going through exercises, getting physical therapy, doing things to be able to.

To.

To improve and get better, I'm.

I'm there helping her with that.

Taking her, walking with her.

Complain, Listen to her complain.

But standing up there, if.

If I'm having a rough time with something in my life or in the past, maybe at work or someplace, and you're in.

In.

I've had a problem.

She's there.

You can do this.

We're going to get through this.

It's standing together.

And if she has a great activity or she does something or I do something where they're celebrating one.

We're each other's biggest fans, and that's part of companionship.

Big deal.

I think it's also partnership.

It's making decisions and facing life's responsibilities as a team.

I'll tell you what, through our life, when we started off, not always sharing responsibilities or, or making decisions together, but when we begin to do that, you work together as a team, you're not each other's enemies.

You're there to work together with one another, facing life's responsibilities.

You know, if you've got a financial situation going on in your.

In your marriage, you.

You come together as a husband and wife and you say, what can we do together as a team to get through this?

And that's where you might pray and talk and game plan.

So it's a partnership.

Remember that.

Yeah.

Well, we've kind of had some experience.

We've been married almost 49 years.

Almost.

Yeah, almost.

We're almost there.

Well, and, you know, like Greg said, it's shared, sharing experiences together.

You're.

You're not just sharing the experiences, but you're also building memories and you're.

You're putting together traditions for your marriage.

Yeah.

And that's all important.

The longer you're married, then of course you're going to have more.

More memories.

And you're going to build traditions at Christmas or holidays or when you get with your kids or just rhythms that you develop in life.

But it's good to have those shared experiences to build memories.

You know, a lot of times Linda will sit back and we'll talk about what happened 20 years ago, maybe 30 or 40, if we could remember everything.

But it's, it's, it's something you build on.

Yeah.

Because a lot of times, if you're thinking about your younger days, maybe, or what happened at the.

Your vacation a year or two ago, and maybe there were some special moments in your relationship at that time or things that actually brought a bonding.

Those things come in and that helps create that best friend's feeling that.

That come compound companionship.

Yes.

Because you're those.

It kind of stimulates your hormones.

You thought you start thinking about those happy moments and what happens that leads to wanting to do more together.

Yeah.

So shared experiences.

Also.

It's affection.

It's showing love through touch.

How often do you walk by and just touch your spouse on the shoulder or tap them on the hiney sometimes or, or just rub their back for a few moments.

Holding hands.

We did a episode about two or three episodes ago, maybe four or five, talked about nothing but holding hands and how that impacts your marriage.

And we'll put that in the show notes.

I recommend you listen to it.

This is talking about touch, but hold just holding hands.

Roommates don't usually hold hands, but I'll tell you what lovers do.

People that are bonded together will that.

That are best friends and lovers.

So hold hands, hugs, kisses or other expressions of care.

Yeah, that's right.

And also faith and purpose, you know, so if you have a Christian marriage, companionship can also mean walking together spiritually and encouraging one another in your relationship with God.

You know, sitting down and talking about, hey, what did you, you know, get in your prayer time today or was there anything that God was talking to you about?

Yeah, right.

It's praying together.

It is.

That's praying together.

As a husband and wife, you come together and pray.

Your team, your prayer team, that's your prayer team for your family.

That's right.

So.

So encourage one another, pray with one another, pray for each other.

You know, another way to simple.

Another way to put it is companionship is more than just a husband and wife.

You're also friends, partners and trusted companions on the Journey of life.

I like that word trusted right there.

Because you know that you can talk with your spouse and you can trust that it's not going to go outside of the walls of your marriage.

Because sometimes spouse, like a husband or wife, they talk to their husband.

Wife.

Then they go to mom or they go to your sister, or they go to a friend, and they start talking about what's going on in their marriage.

Well, don't be doing that.

Women.

Right.

You know, that's a.

That's a free golden nugget.

Yep.

Right there.

You know.

Okay, so also,.

Genesis 2:18 says where God said, God says it's not good that man should be alone.

He's talking about companionship here.

God knew man needed a companion.

Yep.

And his wife needed a companion.

So he put them there together to.

Be each other's helping.

That's right.

Yeah.

Well, the idea of marriage includes having someone to share life with, not merely someone who just occupies the home.

Yes.

Your comrades, your companions.

So now, and let's also add in there being your best friend.

Yep.

You know, and all of these things we're talking about, that's kind of the amplified version of filet.

Right.

We're taking different aspects of it and expounding on it.

So this is really cool right here.

Yeah.

Best friends.

There you go.

This means that you like each other.

You actually like each.

Yes.

Enjoy each other, trust each other, and want to share life together.

It's a relationship where your spouse is not only your romantic partner, but also the person you feel safest, closest, and most connected to.

So before we break down these little nuggets on being best friends, I want to read something I just found.

Read this morning about being best friends and is from the.

The holy of holies, Facebook.

Oh, gosh.

It's a Facebook group that I'm a part of, and it's for Christian couples.

And somebody wrote this post in here, and it was perfect for today.

It says, my husband and I have been married 32 years this week.

I love him dearly, and he is my absolute best friend.

32 Years.

We love going out together and are always looking for fun things to do and try.

Recently, we found a state park where we can rent a paddle boat, horseback ride, feed geese, and have ice cream.

We love to just play together.

Can you say that in your.

In your marriage?

Do y' all do things like this?

I mean, this is getting out there, and I know we're.

We're taking a lot of people.

Can't do some of these things that we May talk about, but you're.

You still find what works in your marriage.

This is just food for thought here.

Now here's the question.

I'll ask it to you.

Is your spouse your best friend?

What do you like to do together to build your friendship and, and in turn your intimacy?

And I want to just read a couple of responses here before we break down.

All right?

So she asked, can you say that your spouse is your best friend?

If so, what are you doing?

So one person wrote, absolutely.

This is a lady, a wife.

She goes, absolutely.

We are definitely best friends.

We go on adventures all the time in our side by side, I guess, motorcycle and love riding on the trails in the woods.

We just recently joined the gym together.

And although he can go more often than I can, today was the first time we were able to go together.

And when we got home, I couldn't help myself to lead him to the bedroom and have another workout session.

That's good.

I like that even just going to the grocery store or Lowe's Hardware is fun with him.

I'm so blessed and thank God every day for him.

That's being best friends.

I know.

Linda and I have a story from years ago.

This is long.

Years ago, we would go to Kroger stores there in Fort Worth, Texas, when we lived there, and we would call it going Krogering.

And at one point, one time I we were just kind of having a wild day, busy day, and I just said, I need to give Linda a good old kiss and hug.

So right there in the middle of Kroger and one of the aisles, I just turned around and planted a big one on her.

And it's like something happened and we hugged and we needed it, but something happened.

And are we having fun right there in a Kroger, you know, and so we always joke about that.

And that's one of those memories.

And then we'll still do it.

Sometimes we'll go down the grocery stores and I'll just give her a good old kiss or something.

Of course, if you go back behind the vegetable counter, you might, you know, that's another story.

But anyway, they say they just go into the grocery store.

Everything can be fun in your life.

And then one last one, it says, congratulations on 32 years.

We'll be celebrating 33 years married this November.

That's when we're at November.

But 49, nearly 36 years together.

Yes, he's my best friend, my ballast, and the reason I'm the person I am today, having been my greatest support.

We have Shared hobbies.

We both ride motorbikes and we go on tour together.

We love playing board games and other kind of games in parentheses.

I don't know what that might mean.

We do fun things together and try to surprise each other every now and then.

Outside of joint hobbies, we show interest in each other's work, their other interests they have and opinions.

We talk a lot and that's in capitals.

We are 100% honest with each other.

So here's some just real life examples of what it means, of what it means to, to be best friends.

So let's, let's get back into that and we'll see what we got here.

So first part of being best friends and they talked about it.

In these little things here you talk openly, sharing your thoughts for feelings, hopes and concerns.

And we talked about it also about you trust one another.

Know that you can be honest without fear of being ridiculed or rejected.

Yeah, that's right.

That goes right along with what I just said.

Yes, you have fun together, laughing, joking, playing and creating memories and that, you know, that comes into being creative Sometimes, Sometimes you got to find something to do.

Go fish.

Linda just brought up yesterday or this morning about.

She said we need to go out to this one, one place actually.

She said we need to go to find a BUC EE's and go get some barbecue.

We just go there and get out of town.

I said, well, to drive down to South Carolina for that.

But then we thought of another restaurant type out of the way place that we like to go.

And that's just a creative like a day date like, you know, but those are things to do.

Yeah, well, you develop common interests together, like hobbies or projects are just serving together.

Yeah.

You know, find something to do together.

I remember one time we were counseling with a couple, this was a while back, and the husband was collecting Star wars stuff and the wife did not really get into it.

She says he just wants to collect these Star wars figurines and all of this.

So we just said, well, hey, why don't you go with her?

Go with him when he goes down to the flea market and he's looking for these items and maybe you find something to get interested in.

So sure enough, she went down there with him, looked around and she began to have fun.

She started taking interest in what he was collecting.

And then while she was there, she found something else that she could collect and, and get involved in and get interested in.

And then she told us how they would come home and each of them would they'd sit on the floor and lay out their.

Their fines from the.

The flea market event.

And that began the next phase of them taking interest in each other, sharing what the other's doing, but then also even developing their own interest.

And that's part of being best friends.

Yeah.

You choose each other over and you make your relationship as a married couple a priority rather than simply living alongside each other.

And you support each other, especially if one of you struggling.

Yeah, that could be work, your health.

They're in their walk with God.

Maybe they got some turmoil going on himself.

You respect each other even when you disagree.

Now, does that ever really happen?

Do you disagree?

Probably a lot?

Once in a while.

You got to respect.

Best friends do that.

You know what happens if you're best friends and you're married?

You can kiss and make up.

Yeah, that.

That's fun.

That would be a hobby.

Yes.

Yep.

Yep.

You know each other deeply.

You know, the longer you're married, the more you get to know each other, including each other's strengths, weaknesses, dreams, their fears and goals and desires.

And you forgive and you give grace.

Yes.

Real important.

Recognizing that neither person in this marriage.

Relationship is perfect.

Yeah.

You face life as a team, working together rather than against each other.

Well, we named a few things.

That's just to kind of kick things off.

But, you know, being best friends, it requires being intentional.

You gotta work at it.

That's right.

It's hard work.

Yep.

You know, your friendship in your marriage in general, it's like a plant.

Yeah.

If you don't water that plant, fertilize that plant, and take care of that plant, what's going to happen?

Especially if the heat comes out, life starts hitting that plant like it can hit your marriage.

What happens?

It begins to wither and quit growing.

And you're so comparing your.

Your relationship to like a plant.

It has to be cultivated.

You've got to be intentional.

As Linda just said, you've got to spend time on your relationship.

If you're.

If you're saying, hey, you know what?

We.

I feel like we're kind of borderline roommates.

Well, you have to make a decision.

What can I do?

You be the one to say, hey, can we go for a walk and talk?

Can we go somewhere?

Can we get a babysitter?

Can we go.

Go at the McDonald's and get an ice cream cone?

Can we go get a cup of coffee?

Can we just go somewhere?

Can we go walk around the park, have a picnic?

You have to get creative.

It just doesn't Happen because when you got married, all that stuff was running.

All your friendship stuff was running on hormones for a while.

Yeah, that's true.

And then, then.

And then the kids come and then life hits and work hits, chasing careers, all the pressures.

Maybe a sickness or disease comes in.

You still have to sit there and grab each other by the cheeks and say, hey, we need to get a grip.

We need to get back to being best friends in our marriage.

We need to be the companions.

I mean, we need to be comrades.

We need to.

We need to be working together.

We've got a life to live.

We've got a marriage to enjoy.

We've got a journey ahead of us.

So let's do it together and have fun while we're doing it.

Let's get, quote, on our side, base side by side motorcycle, like the lady said.

One of these people said, and let's go after life and enjoy it.

You know what?

To have a friend, you gotta be a friend.

Right.

So that would be part of taking the initiative to be your spouse's best friend.

So right there, I think there's one statement Linda just said.

If you're not satisfied where your relationship is, you change it.

Look in the mirror and see why is it that way.

Right.

Maybe.

Maybe you're the one that.

That could be right.

That's a putty duddy.

That's right.

You know, even if we're tired, we're worn out just around the house, you could think of ways.

Maybe you just need to get out some old I Love Lucy shows.

Oh, yeah.

Watch them with your spouse.

If you haven't watched those, they're kind of crazy.

Yeah.

But find something to get you laughing together.

Yeah.

Start your friendship.

Do what you did when you were dating.

Yeah.

You know, do something.

Spend time, get it going.

So in closing, I want to make this one statement that roommates can say this, that we live together and take care of things together.

Compare that to what a couple says in marriage.

The husband and wife say that we live life together, we know each other, enjoy each other, support each other, and continue building our relationship.

So marriage is more than sharing a home and responsibility.

It involves companionship, friendship, affection, emotional connection, intimacy, commitment, and choosing to share life together.

Yep, that's very good.

Choosing is a good word because it is a choice that you got to make in your marriage.

That's right.

Well, we have a couple honeydews as we're closing up here today.

This is one of them.

How would you describe your relationship with your spouse?

Are you roommates or best friends or somewhere in between.

Number two, do you see any red flags developing in your race and relationship like we talked about being too busy, etc?

What kind of red flags are you picking up on?

And number three, how can you change this?

Think about that.

And number four is the ten second kiss.

You got it.

So as being best friends and companions, this ought to be a fun one to do.

And if you're not, this one help can maybe help you get back in their best friends mode.

So what do you do?

You just grab your spouse.

You know the routine.

If you're a first timer, listen, grab your spouse, say hey Siri, set my timer for 10 seconds and you just lock a nice good long 10 second kiss on your spouse and then you get about your day.

There you go.

Well, you know what, we are so happy that you joined us today and your feedback matters to us and we'd like to hear your comments.

If you have questions that you would like answered or if there's certain topics that you'd like us discuss in our future podcast.

Well let us know about that.

Text us or voicemail us or email us.

We're going to have the phone number for married and love it in the email address in our show notes.

But you know what, no matter where you are in your marriage, whether you are celebrating joyful moments or you might be walking through a difficult season, well, we would love to pray for you and your marriage.

Please if you have something like this going on, don't hesitate to reach out.

We pray for our Marian Lovett family on a regular basis and we will, we love to be able to believe with you for your marriage.

Help see you through this difficult time.

Yes.

And again, thanks for joining us.

Hope you gotten inspired by today's message and we're going to see you next time.

And until then, remember this, you can.

Be married and love it on purpose.