EP 74. Marriage Quickie (4 of 4); 9 Secret Lover Do's To a Sizzling Sex Life

Welcome to the Married and Love it podcast.

We're Greg and Linda Smith, your hosts from Raleigh, North Carolina.

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And Lovett, it's an honor and privilege to have you join us.

Hey, thanks for joining us today to get your weekly dose of Married and love it.

It's your booster shot for the week.

And today we're going to be doing our fourth marriage quickie, which is on sex, fizzle or sizzle.

Well, we pre recorded these marriage quickies as we've been at a minister's conference in Dallas this and we're excited to.

Be doing these quickies.

Everybody loves a quickie now and then.

So and now we've done four of them.

The first one, and they all lead up really to this.

The first one was on the God Factor.

The next one was on communication.

The third one is on romance.

And that's all leading up to sex fizzle or sizzle?

Because you know what, if you're not having some good romance, you're not communicating and God's not on, on your side and, and you're following his plan for your mar.

You know what?

Number four here, you're probably going to have more fizzled and sizzle.

So it's all leading up to this.

All right, so we want you to realize sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed.

And I hear a lot of times people have gone to counseling and they're, they're talking and I read different articles and stuff of people or their sex life has been hindered because they don't think it's a gift from God.

They've been taught that it's evil, it's not good.

Even in the purity culture, people get married after they've gone through the purity culture and said you need to abstain from sex.

And to where when they actually got married, it hindered their ability to have an orgasm and to enjoy their sex life, even though it's legal now.

So.

But I want you to realize sex is a gift from God.

Even if you're not thinking that way right now.

It's supposed to be enjoyed.

It should bring sizzling pleasure and satisfaction to both the husband and wife.

You know, the sex should be worth having.

And that's what our goal is as we go through this quickie.

Now this sex is a very, I'm gonna say complicated.

There's a lot to it.

And we're just going to touch the surface and we'll share some other episodes that we have that dig, dig deep into this.

But we're just going to give you a few highlights to build the dream, so to speak.

In God's viewpoint, we can see in Proverbs 5 verses 18 through 19.

So if you got little ones, when I read this one verse, cover their ears up for a minute.

Okay?

It says, let your fountain or your wife or spouse, we, we like to put in here spouse, but it's talking about your wife be blessed.

So right here we see God wants the wife being blessed in the marriage and in the sexual union.

And rejoice in the wife of your youth as a loving hind and graceful doll.

Though let her breast always satisfy you.

Be exhilarated always with her love.

And this is an example.

A lot of people can say this is one one sided.

No, it's, it's the man and wife, husband and wife being exhilarated in their sexual union.

I guarantee you if the wife is not being exhilarated and having a good time, if a normal man's involved in that, he's not going to be enjoying it because he, he doesn't respond well when the wife is just doing obligation sex and laying there.

It takes, it takes the sizzle out of it, you know, so God wants both of you.

It says it's intoxicating, you're exhilarated and that's God's plan for you.

And you may be going, yeah, right, that's not going to happen.

I don't even have a desire.

Well, we're going to talk about that.

All right.

It, it sounds like in this scripture, Proverbs 5, it's sex worth having.

And that's what happens.

A lot of times people's sex life isn't so good and to them it's just not worth having.

Why, why even try?

And that's not God's plan.

And we also know that sex brings bonding, it brings connection, oneness, closeness and fun.

But you know what, and we're going to spend a little bit of, a little bit of time on this one is there's a big topic that comes up a lot when we're talking about sex.

And you know what that is?

It's the big O, the orgasm.

You know, the ratio between men and women having an orgasm every time they have sex.

We're talking about full on blown sex is about 40 to 50% difference.

Men almost always have an orgasm and only 40.

Maybe on a good day, 50% of the women or wives are having orgasms and that should not be.

All right, so what we want to do here is take a few moments and we're going to talk about the benefits of having an orgasm.

Well, the benefits of having an orgasm.

It's amazing.

When we researched and studied this out, I was like, wow, this is incredible.

One of them is it's mood boosting.

It produces the happy feel good hormones, oxytocin.

Help me, help me say that.

Oxytocin and dopamine, dopamine, endorphins.

They promote greater habit, happiness and connection.

Yeah, you know, those words can be hard to say sometimes, but it's not a matter of being able to say them.

It's just a matter.

Are you enjoying them?

That's right.

Are you?

Experiencing strengthens your relationship and connection with your spouse.

It improves your sleep.

It calms down the nervous system and that is resulting in less anxiety.

It builds body confidence.

It reduces stress.

It promotes relaxation.

And ladies, you'll like this one.

It improves your complexion.

Oh, yes.

Your skin looks younger and deals with.

Nice, nice, nice.

It strengthens the pelvic floor muscles.

Yes.

Now it has all these benefits, but this isn't probably the once or twice a month type.

Sex or making love.

This is probably a good consistent thing.

Weekly, every couple days or a week.

Twice a week maybe, but it's more regular activity.

All right.

It reduces pain because it decreases inflammation.

It improves your brain function because it increases the blood flow to your brain.

It improves heart health because of the increased blood flow to the heart.

And it ladies that are having trouble to conceive, it increases fertility and it enables the ability to conceive.

That is amazing.

It strengthens the immune system.

It slows down aging.

It's an anti aging element.

It increases muscle strength, bone density.

It decreases body fat and tones the muscles.

It lowers a person's mortality rate.

Wow.

It increases your sexual desires.

They say sex brings sex.

Yep.

The more you do it, the more you want it, More you want it.

It prevents muscle soreness because it flushes out lactic acid and waste toxins from your muscles.

It keeps them healthy and free from cramping, as in leg and foot cramps.

Wow, that's a nice.

Yes.

It releases sexual tension and these are.

Just some of the benefits of an orgasm.

Plus, it just feels great.

Well, who wouldn't want all that.

I don't know.

That's the problem.

There's a lot of people that still struggle with this because of different reasons.

Yeah, but this is just showing you what God he created.

You know God's a holistic God.

Here he is very gave us the.

Ability to conceive children.

But look at all the benefits.

That's why, that's why the devil and the world tries to to destroy sex or to come in and warp it and, and get it where people want to run from it or not just enjoy it because it's such a blessing that God create.

TV did not create it.

The porn industry didn't create it.

They just pervert it.

But you know what?

A lot of times it can show the world enjoying it and a lot of Christians aren't.

That's right.

We got to get rid of sticking stinking thinking and realize this is God's plan for you and your marriage.

Now just an example of physical contact going on.

The Song of Solomon verses 1, chapter 1, verse 2 says the the bride there is talking about her husband or and he she says may he kiss me with the kisses of your mouth for your love is better than wine.

And what does wine do?

It toxicated.

And we're not going to break this down all the way.

It's showing ex the enjoying of kissing.

And I don't think it's just a little kiss on the forehead or a little lip kiss.

I think it's a little more involved than that.

So you just think about that and you can look it up.

So trusting God and letting go to his idea of sex is going to allow you to experience all that he created to be.

But you got to let go.

You got to forget your past.

Ask if you've got problems in your from previous relationships or in your own relationship.

You've got to let those go.

A wrong teaching.

You've got to let that go and give in to what God wants for your sexual relationship.

So a lot of marriages are not experiencing God's plan, which we've kind of already already said for their sex life.

You know why?

Because what Linda?

Fizzlers.

Fizzlers is things that interfere with a couple's sex life.

We call them the marriage busters.

That's right, yeah.

Actually here would be sex busters.

That's right, a sex buster.

Exactly.

Well, fizzlers can cause sex to be boring.

It can cause the person to have a mindset that it's a chore.

It can be painful, non existent, rushed actually anything but sizzling sometimes, you know, you think it's just not worth having.

You know, there's a lot of work, you know, that may be involved.

Children are in the way.

Pressures, stress, fatigue, illness.

Maybe there's some unfulfilled expectations of what sex ought to be.

There's a lack of knowledge in it.

You know, a lot of people have not been educated about their own body or their spouse's body.

And there is a lot of selfishness that happens.

Abuse, maybe there's been bad experiences, maybe guilt or shame, maybe wrong viewpoints.

Like Greg talked about the fear of pregnancy even.

Yeah, there's so many fizzlers that get in there and cause a person's sex life to fizzle and not sizzle.

And honestly, those fizzlers can be dealt with and, and overcome.

And it's not excuse just to say I don't want to have sex anymore.

That, that doesn't hack it all right.

Now there are also some additional fizzlers that can cause a low sex drive, Hormone imbalances.

Oh yeah, that's true.

Illnesses, short term or long term.

Yep.

Your medications we already brought up.

Stress, depression, your age, age can affect your sex drive.

However, there's a lot of 70, 80, 90 year olds that still manage to, to have some action.

Childbirth, unresolved conflict, unresolved emotional issues.

See, a lot of times the battles in the mind is not always in the physical side.

Erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, unsatisfying sex.

Again, we said fatigue already, I believe.

Relationship struggles.

Again, selfishness, that's, that's a big one right there.

And pain, all those things can, can impact and cause fizzling to your sex life.

So the question is, we've, we've listed what God wants.

We listed things that hinder.

It can be all sorts of things.

So the question is, depending on where your sex life is, what are you going to do to improve the quality of your sex life?

Because it's up to you.

You know, what God wants.

And this is where the God factor comes in.

Because when you apply the God factor to your marriage in this area, we see what his plan is, what he wants us to have.

Well, he says we can do all things through Christ if we're abiding in Him.

He gives us the strength and energy to be able to learn and grow and overcome these issues.

So you get God involved and say, God, I, I want to have a good sex life, but I, right now, my desire is gone.

So he's saying to you, wife, husband, what are you going to do once you Hear the remedies and what the word says, to overcome and enjoy.

Why I've given you to have this gift.

So you know what?

It's not about you.

It's also about your spouse.

See, some of you will say, I'm just not going to have sex.

I only want it this much, no more.

And usually the low desire controls the bedroom.

But you know what?

That's not the way it's supposed to be.

And we're getting ready to do in a few episodes down the road about high, high desire, low desire and how that works in a marriage and how to take care of that.

So.

Well, we got to realize that while sex is not the key to a lasting, successful marriage, it is one of the keys.

You know, a healthy sex life is vital.

And as a couple, you should decide what type of priority, well, how, what, where does sex in your marriage, what is the priority of it?

And you should both agree on it.

You know, so I'm not talking just about quickies, but I'm talking about the sizzling encounters.

Yeah.

You know, don't get in a rut.

Put excitement, adventure and romance into your sex life and, you know, it'll be worth it.

It'll be worth it.

It'll be worth having.

Yeah.

And, you know, as I mentioned in the last episode on the, on the quickie for, we talked about romance and expressing your love in that way.

And we said that's one of the love, love definitions of love deals with that.

Well, also eros and some other parts of the love in your marriage is part of.

It's the sexual side.

And a lot of times that gets left out.

It's just as important as these.

Some of the others which we're dealing with in our episode that we stopped for a couple of weeks while we're out of town and we're going to get back to that, I think in the following week and we're going to talk about all these loves, how they tie in.

But if you're neglecting your sex life, you're not operating in love.

And we'll leave it at that.

And we'll cover that more when we get back into the genuine Love series.

A com.

A couple of scriptures you can look at are in Song of Solomon.

And we'll put these in the show notes, chapter 7, verses 10 to 13, and then Song of Solomon, 8 to 14.

Matt, you can read the whole Book of Solomon, the, the Song of Solomon, but look at those.

And then, yeah, it shows how back in the day they had sizzling, sizzling Sex Solomon describes it pretty clear.

And also you can listen to episodes 34 through 38 where we do an in depth teaching on this whole.

Remember, this is a quickie.

This isn't the long extended version of love.

This is quickie.

So here is nine lover dues to help you have sex worth having the sizzling sex.

Number one, determine to have sizzling sex.

Make a decision you're not going to settle for.

That's right.

And communicate honestly with each other.

Yes.

About what your desires are, what you want, what you don't like and so forth.

Number three is learn.

Get educated and ask questions.

Be curious.

Talk about your sex life with your spouse.

That's one of the hardest conversations.

It's hard enough to get people to open up, but talking about sex they get.

They can be filled, shamed and blamed and condemned.

Right.

You got to be curious.

And don't, don't shame your spouse when that happens.

That's right.

Number five is be creative.

Don't be boring.

Allow.

Number six.

Allow time for each other to grow.

Be patient with each other.

That's right.

Number seven, especially you newlyweds.

Number seven, base everything on love.

Prefer the other and look out.

And number eight, be sensitive.

Be.

Yes, right.

Be.

That's good.

And number nine is just do it and enjoy.

Experience what God wants for you and your sex life.

Well, we got some honey do's and the first honeydew would be to do the nine lover dues.

That's right.

Number two, this is a good one.

Ten second kiss.

You do that ten second kiss and we talk about being spontaneous and, and just ready to go.

You know, you may be the only people in the house, you and your spouse and you do that 10 second kiss.

You may be spontaneous and see what happens.

You could have some sizzling going on.

All right.

That's right.

Well, your feedback matters to us and we would love to hear your comments, answer your questions and learn what topics you would like us to discuss in our future PODC episodes.

You can text, voicemail or email us and the phone number and email address is going to be in our show notes.

Now, no matter where you are in your marriage, whether you're celebrating joyful moments or you're walking through a difficult season, we would be honored to pray for you.

If you have a request for prayer, please don't hesitate to reach out to us.

It would be our privilege to stand with you, believe God with you and lift your marriage up before him in prayer.

So thanks again for joining us and we hope you gotten inspired.

By today's message.

And we're going to see you next time.

And until then, remember this.

You can be married and love it on purpose.