EP7. MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE GREAT: Part 3 Continued - Say Goodbye to Crazy Busy: Tips for a Balanced Marriage

Welcome to the Married and Lovett Podcast.

We are Greg and Linda Smith, your hosts from Raleigh, North Carolina.

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You could even call it continuing education.

We will be covering everything that has to do with your marriage, including hot topics like sex, communication, love and much, much more.

Our teachings are based on Christian principles plus over 47 years of marriage to each other and ministry experience.

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It is an honor and privilege to have you join us.

Have you ever said, I am so busy.

I'm reminded of that song that says, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning.

Well, you could put in there, I'm so busy, my head is spinning.

That is true.

I know, right?

In our marriage, we're not connecting with each other.

We feel like we're just roommates.

We're always so tired and kind of veered off course.

We're on different pages and basically drifting apart.

Maybe you feel like you're on a treadmill and going nowhere.

You know how the hamsters get on their little wheel there and they're spinning, spinning, spinning and they're just getting nowhere.

So maybe you feel like you don't have any time together, that you're stretched and you stretched way too thin, you're stressed out, you're exhausted and you're fatigued.

Well, if you can relate to anything that I mentioned above, then I mentioned to you, ask yourself this question.

Why are you saying or feeling this way?

We're going to take a look at that and try to dive in a little bit deeper and try to find out why.

If you're sensing these things, you know, maybe it's just kind of maybe.

Maybe we're all just too busy.

I know something like that.

Pay attention.

These can be warning signs.

They can be a red flag.

Like on our cars when there's a warning sign that the oil's getting low.

Right.

Or your gas is getting low.

And if we don't pay attention, what happens?

Yeah.

You know, so all these symptoms that Linda just talked about could be a flag that maybe we're getting too busy.

And we even call that being crazy busy because we're all busy.

That's we're always going to be busy.

There's always something to do.

But maybe you're getting to that crazy business.

And you know what?

We're going to be talking about being crazy in our lives or too busy.

I mean, too busy all the time.

But you know what?

It's ironic.

I just noticed when I was sitting down, getting this set up to record, we're also going to be talking about this going into the busiest time of the year.

That's right.

I hadn't even thought about.

So while we're going to all be on an accelerated busyness pattern, let's see if what we talk about today can even make the busy times during the holidays even more enjoyable.

Because we're going to learn and talk about how to manage that.

So we can enjoy the Christmas tree, we can enjoy the Thanksgiving turkey, we can enjoy going out, looking at Christmas lights, and having time with family, not just being so stressed out, because that's the word jumping ahead a little bit.

But so many times, you probably are the same way.

Me and Linda both will be out talking to people.

And what do everybody say?

What?

What do they say?

I'm so busy, I can't see straight.

I'm so busy, I'm busy, busy, busy, busy.

Yeah.

And it's like it's a badge of honor sometimes.

Like.

Like it's the politically correct thing to do that's busy.

And it's like, what are we going to do about that?

Yeah.

And people complain about it and how it affects their marriage and their kids and their health.

And that's what we want to talk about today.

But as we talk about this in the next 20, 30 minutes, question for you.

Number one is, why are you saying you're busy or feeling all the symptoms?

It's time for an evaluation to see if maybe you're on overload.

But also, let me ask you this question.

Maybe you realize you really are too busy.

And I'm remembered in Exodus 8, 8 through 10, in the old Testament, Moses had just released all the frogs all over the kingdom, and the Pharaoh didn't want the frogs around.

And.

And Moses said, well, you do this and that or whatever, we'll get rid of them.

And he said, when would you like to do that?

And Pharaoh said, tomorrow.

Can you believe having frogs in your bed?

And you can get rid of them right then?

But you say tomorrow.

Ooh, I don't think so.

So as we talk about this, do you want to spend one more night with the frogs?

No.

We can change things.

So this is just Going to be a challenge for all of us, including me and Linda, to look at our lives and see how we can make headway in our lives.

So today we're actually going to be continuing on episode seven here, making your marriage great, part three.

And that's six action steps to God's plan for your marriage.

Now episode six, which we, the one before this one was talking about deciding to enjoy your married life.

Sometimes we have to make a decision and you can go back to episode six and get more detail on that.

And the scripture we're using for this series is Ecclesiastes 9.

9.

Relish and enjoy life with the spouse that you love each and every day of your life.

So God says to enjoy and it says that's a decision to enjoy.

But it says your life.

But you know what?

When we're busy running around doing everything, doing life, overextending ourselves in these different areas, it's hard to enjoy your life.

So tonight, today's episode is called balance your busy life.

Get some balance in it where you can take time to have that sip of coffee, go for a stroll with your spouse and enjoy it.

Sit down and just go, ah, maybe take that warm bubble bath.

That's another topic.

What I want to do today as we get into this, I want to give a beach story years ago, I mean we still try to do it now, but it's not as often.

But years ago, when Linda and I were just dating and such and we first got married, we lived in Orlando area and we could go over to the beach about, about an hour drive, park on the beach.

You could lay out, play in the surf.

I would try to surf big two or three foot waves.

We were big.

Yeah, we were dreaming back then.

But what, what would happen is you, you pull up, some of y'all may have never been to a beach.

I mean it was part of our life growing up.

We could shoot over there after high school, got out and go to the beach and come home and then try to do your homework.

But you go over there sometimes you could park your car on the beach or you just run out to the sand and you put your, your, your towels, your chairs, maybe a tent or an umbrella and then you go out and get in the water.

And then sometimes you're surfing, sometimes you're just sitting out, standing out there talking to somebody and chit chatting or you got a raft or inner tube and you're allowing the waves to bring you in or you're just kind of bobbing along in the waves and Talking.

But what happens is you're just doing all that, having fun, and there's a current that runs along the shoreline, and that current all of a sudden, and you don't even know what's happening, comes along and begins to pull you down the beach.

So what happens, you're just doing your thing, having a good time, and every so often you're kind of watching the waves and you bobble in the waves, or if you're not paying attention, a bigger wave will come up and pop you in the back and knock you flying.

But you're just there having fun, but there's a current coming through there.

And before long, that current begins to move you down the coastline.

And usually everybody when you're in your water, you can look up and see your towels and your chairs kind of.

Kind of your home base, and you can wave at the other friends up there.

But what happens, you go down and about 10, 15, 20 minutes, 30 minutes later, if you haven't been looking at your little home base camp there on the.

The Ocean, you're about 10 yards, 20 yards, 100 yards down, and you didn't even realize you had traveled that far from your little home base area.

And then you go, oh, man, we got to go all the way back.

So you, you can either go back in the water and it takes longer, or you get out and just walk back.

And the reason why I'm telling you this story is that's the way our life is.

You got your marriage, you got your life.

Excuse me, and your, your.

And that would be your home base on the, on the shore.

That's where you got.

That's where your focus is.

And so you get busy in life.

So that's like.

You walk out into the world and you're doing your.

Going to work, going shopping, taking the kids to games, going to church, volunteering here and there, paying your bills, mowing the lawn.

That's.

That's being in the water, and that's just kind of being busy out there.

You're just kind of busy.

And what happens is the busier you get, you.

You're not aware of what's going on.

And then the current comes through, and that's all of the marriage busters, things that come against your marriage to cause it not to be what you want it to be, to be boring or, or you're just existing, feeling like roommates because you've gotten busy.

And the busier you get, the less resistance you have to the ways and the current because you're not realizing what's happening.

And before long, all of life, all these currents are coming down.

And because you're not taking time to look up at the shore where your goals and dreams are in your marriages, you start drifting.

And a lot of people nowadays say they're having marriage problems.

They go, you know what, we just drift it apart.

Well, drifting happens because you get caught up in a current.

You're taking your eyes off your focus, your, your goals, your home, off your marriage, your spouse.

And now you're focusing on the marriage busters in life and you don't have time.

And so what happens in your marriage, you don't, you don't stay focused on where you need to be.

The marriage busters are coming in through the current.

That's the current that pulls you down the coastline.

Every so often a big wave comes up and pops you.

And the more you're not focusing on where you need to be and what you're really wanting to accomplish in life other than existing, the currents have pulled you further and further away from your spouse, your marriage and your goals, and you're just existing.

And then another thing that happens at the beach every so often, they have riptides and that's when there's a pocket of water, like a little current that goes straight out real fast.

And that's where people, I know you've heard about this, they get caught in that riptide and it pulls them out.

And if you start fighting it too much, you get pulled out.

A lot of those people drown.

And so that would be the biggies that happen in life.

And you know, a lot of things that attack marriages that really cause problems is major events.

It could be an affair.

It could be like Linda when she had her back surgery and then had a heart attack.

That puts more of a strain on our marriage and we have to deal with that.

A lot of times those strains and stresses expose weaknesses and that's why we teach so much.

Build your foundation in all areas of your life, personally and as a couple.

So when the times come, your foundation can stick.

Just like when hurricanes come for or floods, bad foundations don't last very long.

So anyway, that rip current comes through and it can tear you apart.

We, we know one couple who had a 16 year old daughter get cancer and was dying.

And the people in the hospital told them these type of situations you're in, people usually end up getting divorced.

And they said, no, that'll never happen to us.

But they ended up separating.

But thank God they did get back together again.

That riptide Got them.

But when you're so busy, you don't know it until it's too late.

So then what happens?

You're going down, and all of a sudden your life, you go, who am I married to?

We don't even talk or talk very much.

We don't have sex because we come home and we're both so tired and worn out.

We haven't connected emotionally and mentally.

So we don't feel like.

Especially the ladies don't feel like hopping in bed.

And the man would like to do that, but he can be too tired, and it just causes all sorts of problems.

You're just not connecting.

You're not enjoying life.

And so what happens?

You look up and go, Whoa, we are 100 yards, 200 yards down the beach from our marriage, from where we want to be.

And so you go, okay, we're going to do something.

But a lot of people when they're at the beach is they'll try to walk back to where their car is or where their towels are in the water, but the current keeps pushing them back, and that wears them out even more.

So sometimes you got to make changes.

So what we would do is you just get out of the water, walk back along the beach, maybe more boring, but at least you're not fighting that current that's coming at you.

That life is hitting you.

And then you come back and you regroup and you start all over.

So our goal is to talk about how you can get out of the current.

The current's going to be there, but you have to stay focused on the goal that you have in your marriage.

So what do you want to think about?

I'm jumping ahead of myself.

I'm going to come back to that thought in a minute.

But there's a couple in the Bible that's a good example of getting caught up in the current and losing focus.

And that was Adam and Eve.

God said in Genesis 1:28, I got you this beautiful garden for you to live in and enjoy.

Take care of it.

He gave them all these things to do, so they did that.

And evidently they got caught in some type of current of life, just daily business.

And the next thing you know, they're distracted.

And the serpent showed up very subtly and just started working on Eve.

And then to eat the apple.

And then Adam, he had a bite of it.

He got this.

Both of them getting deceived and just wanted to take care of their own thing.

So they got their eyes off the goal, and you know what happened?

It's impacted their Marriage and our marriages, because they allow, they got in the drift.

They drifted away from God's plan and ended up settling for.

And look what happened.

So as we're talking about getting busy and resolving that, there's one thing that's most important in all of this, and that is your marriage.

Busyness is a major impact on your marriage.

And again, we hear people say that I'm so busy, I'm so busy.

Your career is not number one.

Your even your kids aren't number one.

Your family members, your finances, your marriage and God is number one.

So Linda, why don't you take us through what we're going to be talking about.

Well, here's some things that you can do, we can all do to help change that.

Crazy kind of busy.

There's going to be busy times in our life, in our marriage.

That's pretty normal.

But we got to find a balance so that it's not crazy, crazy busy, crazy busy.

Yes, the drifting apart.

We got to stop that.

And if we're just aware of it and we pay attention, it's going to make a difference.

But here's some things.

First of all, remember what you want.

What do you want in your marriage?

Marriage is a journey and that should be our number one priority in life.

Think about this.

What Ask yourself this question.

What is best for your marriage?

What does your marriage need?

Yeah.

Each one of us in our marriage, relationship, we're all different from the, from our friends and all that.

It's not going to be the same.

So we got to remind ourselves about what's best in our life, in our lifestyle, in the schedule of life, the things going on around us, what's best for our marriage.

Yeah, you do it as a couple.

What's what you're looking for, and then you come together as a couple and say, how.

What do we want our marriage to look like?

We've got this set up on the shore of the ocean, so to speak, and what do we want that to look at and it.

That might be different than what me and Linda wants, you know, so everybody has to decide, what do you want for your marriage?

And also since we brought up the holidays, Thanksgiving's a couple of weeks away.

It depend on when you listen to this.

And then Christmas is right there and New Year's.

This is really a great time to practice.

You know, everybody is super, super double crazy busy during the holidays.

But maybe you can say, here's what I want my Thanksgiving and Christmas to look like.

What am I willing to do or not do to Reach that goal.

Right.

As long as you're aware, you can adjust so you're not frizzled at that Thanksgiving meal or Christmas meal or going out looking at Christmas lights or going to a church service.

Yeah, you want to enjoy.

You want to enjoy it.

So maybe we have to slow down a little bit.

Maybe we just got to pause in.

Some of this stuff.

So we're going to try to apply that in your life.

And then we're going into the new year and another six weeks, eight weeks.

So we'll have a groundwork for going into the new year about.

And what a great time to set your goals.

Maybe you need to do a little evaluating and see what your dreams and goals together are for the new year.

And we will be talking about that in the 1st of January in one of our couple of our podcasts.

So remind yourself, what are your goals and dreams for your marriage and your family?

First Corinthians 9, 24.

I think this has got good principles to it.

It says, do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize?

Run in such a way that you may win.

So our challenge here is, your marriage is a race.

It's a journey.

How do you want to live it?

What is your goal?

But live your marriage so that you can win.

You can live marriage so you can't win by not doing certain things or doing the things you know you shouldn't be doing.

And then it says, and everyone who competes in the games exercises self control.

So you got to have some discipline in this.

You got to know what you want.

Well, that comes back to making the decision.

Yeah, Making a decision.

Yeah.

And then it says, do it to receive the prize.

Therefore, I run in such a way as not without aim.

You got to just don't get up every day.

Living in the current.

Right.

Because if you live in the current and you don't know what you want to accomplish each day and a month, and in your marriage, the current is going to pull you and you're not going to win your race.

So for therefore I run in such a way, not without aim, I box.

Not such a way as not the beating air.

I buffet my body and make it my slave.

So talk about the holidays.

That's scripture.

Didn't say buffet our body.

That's just.

I know.

That is a different topic.

You're meddling.

That I am.

Yeah.

You're getting.

Yeah.

So anyways, that was a free nugget.

You know, in your marriage.

In your marriage.

This is Just a, A goal.

Example.

Maybe you say, you know what?

We need to have more date nights.

Why do you want to have the date nights?

Because, you know, you need to be connecting, having fun.

So you need to base.

Some of the things you do is what does my marriage need?

I think the date nights even actually help us to slow down.

Slow down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So.

But ask yourself why you do certain things.

You just say, in our marriage, we, we need to reconnect, but we're so busy.

Then what do you need to do to not be so busy?

That's a goal.

You're saying, oh, man, we just don't ever have time for sex.

Well, what is your goal for your marriage?

To have sex.

Set a goal for that.

That you can take a cooking class.

That would be something to help solve the problem.

Right?

That's.

Right.

That's.

But that's a fun thing for a date night.

Right.

These are just some ideas we're throwing out there.

Take a weekend together.

Take.

Yeah.

Weekend together.

You can manage it in the busy holiday time.

But outside of that, just take a weekend getaway.

Yeah.

For each other.

And hey, maybe go to church.

Yeah.

Sit down.

Bring the family to church.

Get together with another couple.

Have game night with another couple.

Pray together.

Oh, yeah.

Pray together every day.

Just a few minutes.

Prayer.

But the bottom line is, know what you want for your marriage and your life.

What do we need to do that and then make time for it.

So that brings us to the next one.

Linda, prioritize your time.

Ask God to help you.

That's number one.

And here it is.

When you're praying together, you can ask God together.

It doesn't have to be a big, long, drawn out prayer, but just ask God to help you to prioritize.

And is your.

Think about this.

Ask yourself this question.

Is your busyness causing you to have to sacrifice something?

Yes.

In another area.

Yeah.

Of your marriage, of your family life.

Is it?

So just.

That's some food for thought.

Ask yourself that question.

You know, on top of that, that's like maybe you're only already doing four or five things outside your marriage.

Kids, sports.

You're, you're, you're doing something at church and doing several things.

And then somebody says, oh, by the way, Susie, can you do this for us next week?

Realize if you take that on, it's going to take.

Make you more busy or you'll have to stop doing something else.

Sacrifice it.

So you've got to decide when you get new opportunities because that current, that current can get Some days that current is stronger at the beach and some days you don't feel it at all.

But it's going to be there.

And you know, here we are.

You bring me back to the holiday season.

What's happening.

A lot of churches are doing the, the, they're doing the live nativity scenes together.

They're doing all of that.

So we got to learn to say no.

And women, we are really bad about that is because we're so relational minded.

Just not to your husband at the magic moment.

That magic moment.

That's right.

So.

So talk about it together.

Maybe something like the, the church activities, a prior type for.

It's a priority for the holidays.

That's real important to you as a woman.

But to your husband, it's like really, we don't, we don't want to do, you know, I'm not, I'm not all into it.

So talk about that.

Do a walk and talk together.

The weather is going to be nice for the most part, depending on what kind of where you're living.

But do a walk and talk and just talk about these things.

This can be the time that you do a reconnecting with each other.

And remember this.

Don't try to please everybody.

That, that makes it a little bit easier to say no to a project or maybe, you know, whatever it might be.

But realize that you don't have to say yes to every single thing that comes along.

Yeah.

Yep.

And have some non negotiables.

You can say, you know what, we're going to do a walk and talk every day or every other day.

That's non negotiable.

So you make a way so you have things that are non negotiable.

Maybe it's your prime time with God, maybe it's time with the kids at certain times.

So you have to work around those non negotiables.

Prioritize your time.

Okay.

Another idea we got to keep in mind is to count the cost.

Yes.

Now in Luke 14:28 through 30, I don't have that scripture right in front of me.

Oh, wait, yes I do.

Here it is.

I'm going to read that real quick.

For which of you wishing to build a farm building does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see whether or not he has sufficient means to finish it.

Otherwise, when he's laid the foundation and is unable to complete the building, all who see it will begin to mock and jeer at him.

So count the cost before you commit to something new on your schedule.

Think it all the way through make sure that you count the cost.

Like if you're adding more sports for your kids or more activities, if you're committing to volunteering at church or, you know, maybe, maybe you're thinking about getting a second job, a second income.

Is it worth it?

Because really, if you think it all the way through, you count the cost.

What is the daycare expense on that if you have kids?

Yeah.

You know, because sometimes that just eats up your whole.

You got nothing left after you've paid all the expenses for daycare.

You know, volunteering at church.

I think I mentioned this.

Even working overtime, you know, working overtime.

Count the cost on working overtime.

So.

Or hey, you know, if you don't have children and you, you decide you want to take a yoga class or maybe another exercise class or something of that sort.

Think about what is.

Is it going to take an.

A hit to your schedule that you need to stay on a regular balance or is it going to be.

Are you going to be sacrificing something there?

Yeah, because you got to look at, maybe you're.

Maybe you've got a good exercise routine, and then you say you kind of got your schedule going and something else, a couple other items pop up.

Oh, I need to do this.

Or we should do that.

Count the cost of doing that.

But what's the cost of stopping your workout routine?

Yeah, that's true.

So you can look at all that reverse.

That comes back to the other part.

If you give up, you add something, you take something away, but you got to look at what you take away.

Yeah.

What type of priority that was.

Yeah.

So I think what we're going to do here is go ahead and stop for this time for this podcast, because our time's about up.

And we'll pick up on our next episode on getting rid of the busy in your life or getting a balance in your busy.

And so take a look at these things and Linda's going to give you some homework to do.

But just remember, you're in that current.

Remember about in your life, you're in that current and it's coming to pull you.

And that's all the marriage busters and your daily routines.

Keep an eye on your goals, your marriage, and what matters most to your marriage and then your family, your home base.

Because every day that see what can happen is you can get out of a routine.

It's like sometimes people go on a diet or they're exercising and they got a real good schedule going, and then all of a sudden it gets interrupted and it's really Easy to say.

You know what?

I'll get started back on that tomorrow.

I'll get started back on just like the frogs.

You want one more night with the frogs.

And what happens when we do that?

The drift starts and before long it's so subtle.

You're down the road from where you want to be in your marriage and in your relationship and you got to get out of the water, change some things and come back and you can thank God with him.

We can start over again.

Yeah, honeydews.

Ye.

Go ahead and look at our honeymoon.

Let me challenge all y'all.

We talked about a couple things to be aware of and to help to get that crazy busy more balanced.

So before we get back to when we get head into the next few action steps, the ones we did, talk about recognize.

Talk about these action points with your spouse.

What do you want for your marriage?

Yeah, what do you want?

Recognize where you're too busy and realize, you know, sometimes we women, we get so caught up in the busyness that we don't even recognize.

Yeah.

Our men are a lot of times better at pointing out that that's kind of overload, you know, so take that into evaluation.

Yeah.

Like Linda said, the husbands may point out, but then maybe if you see your spouse busy and maybe it's something that needs to be done and it's.

If you could get that done quicker, you could do something else.

So offers.

Hey, can I help you with that?

Can I help you with the Thanksgiving dinner?

Can I help you get the clean before everybody comes over and messes it up again?

But look at ways you can work together as a team while you're doing this.

Anything else on your homework?

Not on that, just maybe on those action points, what adjustments can be made?

Yeah.

So just start evaluating.

All right.

As we close again, your homework is the 10 second kiss.

Always, always.

So.

And that's something you would be good to have a routine in.

So remember, you just grab your spouse, bring them up to you and set a timer and get a good 10 second kiss.

For extra credit, go to 15 seconds.

And that kiss can be any type of kiss.

That's right.

You never know.

But make time for that.

It's only 10 seconds.

Don't rush out the door.

Right, Right.

And you know what?

I'll throw this one in, maybe do a 10 second prayer.

Oh, say lord, I just ask you bless my wife and myself as we head out to work today or whatever's on your schedules.

We just ask for your blessings to come upon us and overtake us as we live our life today and bless our families and you go on.

See how easy it is.

Get kissed Spiritual.

You're working on your foundation.

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