EP 60. Communication in Marriage; 3 Essential Habits for Better Communication; Final Thoughts to this Series

Foreign.

Welcome to the Married and Lovett Podcast.

We are Greg and Linda Smith, your host from Raleigh, North Carolina.

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In today's episode, we're going to continue talking about communication as we close out this series and communication and marriage.

3 Habits for Better Communication is what we're going to be covering today.

But I want to tell you this little joke I heard is really funny.

Oh, this is going to be a funny honey.

So all through this series I heard about this couple that had had an argument.

They had been giving each other the silent treatment for a few days and it came up that the husband needed to have the wife wake him up at 5:30 in the morning so he could get up and get ready to go to the airport for his job.

So he left a note on her pillow and said asked her to please get him up at 5:30.

Well, so he left her.

And he left her note talk to her.

But okay, he left her note.

And so at 8 o' clock he wakes up and he had missed his flight.

And so he looked over and here was a note to him.

She was continuing that silent treatment thing and it said wake up, it's time for you to get up and get ready for the airport.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, that's taking the silent treatment all the way.

It's kind of crazy.

But you know what, that kind of stuff happens.

I know, it really does because it

shows how silly being playing the silent treatment is.

At least she was concerned about him

making it to the airplane, right?

Yeah, well, you know, she had a little bit of heart going on there.

But okay, that just shows the silent treatment how, how childish it is.

It is very childless.

Yeah, it's better to kiss and make up.

It happens.

Yes.

Three habits for better communication.

One would be develop and apply the ground.

Apply ground rules for conflict.

Two, say and apply the love confession.

Which we're going to have the love confession in our show notes.

Yes.

And then most important of all is communication with God.

Yes.

Number one, get that involved.

Now, if we get that one going, which we'll talk about, that'll help with everything else.

It does.

Yes.

Yeah.

And communication is one of the biggest issues we see, right, dear?

That's right.

That's what we've been talking about.

Yes.

And if it's not dealt with properly, it can lead to the destruction of your marriage.

And that's what we're going to be talking about.

And as Linda started saying, there's a Reese some research done recently and it shows the three major issues that can attack and destroy your marriage are money.

I'm sure we all realize that.

Sex.

Sex and communication.

Yep.

Which is what our previous podcast have been all about.

So we're looking forward to closing out this series with this episode here.

But we'll have more on communication down the road because there's always more stuff coming out.

I got a scripture I want to read real quick.

All right.

It's Galatians 5, 14, 15.

It's the scripture that we've been using for most of our podcast episodes as a foundation scripture.

And it says you shall love your neighbor, which we're applying here.

Your neighbor is your spouse.

So it says you shall love your spouse as yourself.

And that's a whole teaching in itself.

In other words, walking in love and.

And treating them with love.

But here's the kicker for communication.

But if you bite and devour one another, take care least you be consumed by one another.

And that this shows how if we're not communicating, which is a form of selfishness and allowing the deeds of the flesh to come in and offenses the rule.

If we don't do that, that is gonna.

That silence that can go on or that angers that that's displayed comes in like a cancer or like some type of termite.

And it eats at your marriage relationship.

And before long, if you're not communicating properly, maybe it's just a lifestyle of anger and.

And resentments going on and you can't talk properly to one another without getting into a fight or it's just occasional.

But then it carries and it lingers and it builds a resentment.

It's like that termite getting into the wood of your house.

And before long it starts to Fall apart.

So that's what we're talking about.

We don't want you to be consumed by one another.

You.

We don't want you to devour one another with your words.

We want you to be hugging one another with your hugs and speaking words of love and sweet nothings and little whispers and words of encouragement and a word and words that can be used to build agreement in your marriage to work through problems.

Love, love words or peace words, not hate words and destruction words.

And I want to read something I found just actually today.

It was on a social media post on, on Facebook, one of the marriage groups I, I just listened to, or I don't listen to.

I read just to see what's going on out there.

And, and this is an example of a couple not communicating and how you can devour one another.

It's really, it's really sad.

It says, after 20.

This is the, the wife talking.

And she says, After 23 years of marriage, I feel like I'm dying inside.

My husband and I both believe in God and we were involved in church.

I see him pray, worship, and speak in tongues.

But at home, we argue often when we fight, we say very hurtful things to each other, and sometimes we stop talking for days.

This happens almost every week.

Hopefully not a lot of our listeners can relate to this.

Maybe it's only once a month this happens, but one time is one time too many.

But this has become a lifestyle appears here.

She goes on to say, it's confusing and painful because it makes me question what is real, what hurts even more.

Now here's the consequences of the adults in the house not acting like adults.

What hurts me even more is seeing how this is starting to affect our child and even cause doubts in his heart.

Lately, the anger in our home has gotten so intense that it's affecting everything around us, even how our child reacts when he feels upset.

I don't want to shame my husband or my family, and I'm honestly afraid to talk with this, talk about this with people at church.

But I feel overwhelmed and I don't know what to do anymore.

If anyone has gone through a difficult marriage and found wisdom, healing or guidance, I'd really appreciate hearing from you.

Please be kind.

I'm simply asking for help before I lose my peace completely.

I believe we've got listeners that are crying for help.

You're.

You're.

You feel like you're losing your marriage.

You're losing your peace or your sanity, or you.

Or your joy is gone.

And if you can just trust God get the God factor going that we've talked about and, and we'll talk about again a little bit in a few minutes as we close out this series.

But if you listen to the previous podcast and go through this thing and get God involved, he can heal your heart.

He can fill in the gap while you're healing and he can get you through this because there is help there.

And, and yes, a lot of people don't want to, you know, a lot of people don't want to go to a marriage class.

They won't read books or, or like she says, she don't want to talk to family and friends because a lot of times people feel like they're, they feel shameful if they even come close to admitting they got a marriage problem.

I was that way.

I never wanted to.

Linda one, when we were date, when we were married, Linda said, greg uncle, we were involved in ministry.

And she'd say, we need to go get counseling.

I said, it's like, we don't go get counseling.

We're in the ministry.

What will people think?

That's what I was thinking.

Or we don't need it.

I'll change.

But if your spouse is crying out for help, help them get help.

Listen to these podcasts.

If you need to talk to a counselor for whatever reason, do that because we don't want you hurting like this.

We believe God can heal whatever's going on in your marriage.

So anyway, this is just a good example of Galatians 5:14 through, through 15.

Okay.

Yeah.

In previous episodes, we, we talked a lot of communication principles and mindsets so that you can become a skillful communicator in your marriage.

And we covered nine do's and don'ts, don'ts to becoming a skillful communicator.

And we covered some keys to handling conflict peaceful.

And then we talked about some practical tips for handling conflict peacefully.

And we talked about what type of person are you in conflict?

Are you a hider with your in communication?

Are you a hurler?

That's the people that just, they're on attack mode, the hiders running from the attack person.

Are you a healer?

Do your words bring healing to your relationship?

And we just talked about all a lot of other different areas of communication.

And then we tied it into having the God factor.

God gives us the ability to communicate properly, to be, to talk in peace and love and have grace in our speaking do we're not angry and saying words we want.

Yes, there we go.

And, and so we talked about all different parts of communication.

So I encourage you to go back and listen to those.

Now, this episode, we're going to be talking about ground rules that you would like you should set up for handling conflict.

There should be rules that you both agree to when you have conflict or a heated discussion.

And as you're learning and practicing these principles that we've been covering in the last several episodes, then follow these ground rules that you're setting up for yourself so that you can become the skillful and peaceful communicator.

Yeah.

So as before, we get into those ground rules, which are kind of summer summarization of a lot of the other tips and stuff that we've put together, but they're just practical for some.

You can put a bump on your, you can put them up on your refrigerator, even.

But before we get into that, a couple of little announcements or housekeeping we want to do.

First of all, we would love for you to contact us and say, hey, I would like to hear about this topic talked about.

You can call our, our phone number.

We've got it in the show notes.

You can send us an email.

You can go on the Married and Love It Facebook group.

I think it's Married and love it 77 on Facebook.

I think there's a place you can even put a question in anonymously.

So if you send in all different kind of topics.

Yeah.

Something you'd like to hear on a.

For an episode or in our newsletter.

But, but do that we would love to hear.

Or if you want to just say, hey, you guys are doing great.

Want to just remind you to sign up for our newsletter if you're not already on that, because we'd love to get you a weekly dose in your emails just to encourage you in your marriage.

And then share the podcast.

Share it with your friends, your family, people that you think would benefit from what you're hearing here.

Okay, well, let's get on to the ground rules.

Develop these ground rules for conflict.

Then what we're going to be giving you.

They're just suggested ground rules that you can use.

And so customize them, however works for you and your marriage.

We'll put these ground rules also in our show notes.

Okay.

It's kind of like you go to a pool and they got pools for rules for your pool use.

This is kind of, we got all these other tips and everything we talked about, but these are just some you can kind of post up if you want to or put them somewhere to remind you guys on how to argue

that how to have conflict, how to have conflict.

Well, first of all would be no yelling, right?

Yes.

Speak quietly.

No name calling or character attacks.

No bringing up the past for ammunition.

This is a good one.

No storming out without saying, I need to take a break or I need to go for a walk.

I got to go for a drive.

Just don't stomp out and not say anything.

This one I thought was so funny.

No following the person who has called for that break or that pause.

Makes me think of our little dog, Scooter.

I'm telling you what, he gets honed in on something and he follows.

If it's time for his dinner or his walk, he follows Greg all over the place.

He hones in when Greg's like, can you just leave me alone, dog?

No following the person who has called for the break or the pause.

Yeah.

So if they go out to go for a walk, don't follow them out and start walking with them.

I just took that just tickled me.

So next is no slamming things.

Don't slam down paper your hand or slam down a book or glass bottle or something.

No slamming.

Yeah, don't slam the doors.

Right.

Be civilized.

Oh, yes.

And no physical attacks.

Yes.

That's a biggie.

Yes, that's.

That's not acceptable at all.

That's right.

Then no pointing your finger.

Don't sit there and shake your finger at your.

Like, sometimes you see these pictures and it shows the mom shaking the finger at the kids, but don't shake your finger at your spouse.

And don't tap on their chest.

Don't.

Don't you do that again.

Yeah, that would be bad.

So don't do that.

Even if your partner doesn't do their part, if they're not behaving well, you still behave.

You still do your part.

Yeah.

And we got down here agree on the ground rules.

Now, you know, we don't.

Not everybody wants to do ground rules, but these are some things you should.

Guidelines discuss with your spouse to say, hey, we're.

We.

We argue.

We're arguing and we have discussions.

So let's go through this list and see what we can agree on.

Yes.

Because that way if they happen to say, they start yelling, you can go, oh, timeout.

Ground rules.

No yelling.

Yeah, yeah.

Might be good to keep the whole list right in front of you when you sit down to discuss something.

Right?

Yeah.

Like make a commitment to your spouse to follow through.

Follow these ground lines when you're in a heated discussion and, and think of what rules as a couple you would make.

You know, here's an example.

We.

We always end up laughing at each other when we do this.

Take a little sticky and write on it, I am not the enemy.

And when you start getting so heated and things are just like, ooh, can't put a break on it.

Put that sticky on your forehead and let your spouse see it saying, I'm not the enemy.

Because really, one of the things that we taught in communication is you're not attacking the person.

Right, Right.

You know, you're attacking the situation.

You're trying to find a solution to a situation in your marriage.

Stop attacking the person.

I'm not the enemy.

Yeah.

And.

And you know, our words, we use, our tone, our body language, all so important.

Add to that that you an enemy.

I. I know, Linda, there's times, really, more in the past that when I would.

My tone wouldn't be right or the way I just thought it's coming off, she actually said, donna, I'm not the enemy, or she put the sticker.

We start laughing.

I use that tactic.

It works.

Yeah.

Another example was when I'd be in a lot of pain from the surgeries I've had and it was time for my medicine or something, and Greg would come in, and I would just be a bear looking for a fight.

Oh.

Oh.

That was like when she had her first or second back surgery and she was on a ton of painkillers.

So I. I put together a little sign that I would hold up for Greg to just kind of give him a warning that I was in pain and I'm past my time for medicine, and, you know, just beware.

What possibly could come out of my mouth would be the medicine talking and the pain talking and not me.

Yeah.

Sometimes I didn't know what she was saying, if she was talking like that.

It wasn't always pleasant.

Yeah.

So those are some examples that we've used, and it's been very good.

That's actually a good point.

If you realize your spouse has got extreme pain going on or they're going through something that could be impacting them and causing them to act out of character or just not being able to control themselves, then that's where you've got to put on that love and compassion and not take it personally and then not fall into what they're into.

You follow what I'm saying, right?

Say, hey, I know Linda is in bad pain right now, and she can't hardly roll over or do this without being in excruciating pain.

So if she's talking, like, a certain way, don't Take it personal.

It's not about me.

It's about her getting healthy and me being there to help her and server.

So in other words, that leads into this.

Don't let your emotions direct your actions.

Right.

In other words, respond and don't react.

Let love not anger control.

Just like if Linda's in bad pain and she.

She's not speaking what way I want to hear her speak, then I got to say, you know what?

I need to put on love right now and realize she needs me to help her and be there.

And if your conflict gets out of control and it doesn't seem to be slowing down or progressing, just say.

Just say stop.

We.

We need to stop.

Put a pin in it.

Put that on the table.

You can agree to a time to come together again.

That means you say, all right, we're gonna.

We're gonna knock this off and we're going to come back in two hours, right?

Or.

Or four hours or tomorrow.

The person who needs to pause needs to say, okay, I need to pause.

And then they put a time on it.

In other words, book a time from the.

Where you're at now to come back.

Otherwise it'll get put under the rug and things will begin to fester.

That's so true.

Now say the love confession and then walk in it.

That's another thing is on the ground rules.

In previous episodes, we talked about putting on love, like what Greg just said, and it's a decision.

Well, it's truly a decision that has to be made.

See us putting on a coat.

Yeah, that's right.

Yes.

Colossians 3:12 through 14.

And is a good scripture to stand on.

And when we do that, it says it's the perfect.

It creates the perfect bond of unity.

Yes.

So we can see that's important right there.

And this leads us to the love confession that we've been talking about.

That's in First Corinthians 13, 4, 8.

And this is going to be in the show notes, but I'm just going to read through it real quick.

And I usually will put it in my first person.

And you can even put this up on your mirror or just have it where you read through it maybe each day or maybe, you know, when you get up in the morning, just say through it.

So you kind of set yourself up for walking in love, for putting on love, for choosing, because like Greg said, it's a choice.

And so my.

I say it like this.

God is love, and the love of God is in me.

Therefore I endure long, and I am Patient and kind.

I'm never envious or jealous.

I'm not boastful or proud.

I'm never haughty, selfish or rude.

I'm never irritable or touchy.

I'm never resentful and I don't hold grudges.

I hardly even notice when others may do wrong.

I expect and believe the best of every person.

I will defend them no matter what anyone else may say.

The love of God in me never fails, Therefore I never fail.

Love is my greatest aim.

Now, like I said, we're going to have this in our show notes and you know, also send us an email if you want me to send this to you.

I'll be more than happy to do that.

So say and apply the love confession.

That would be it right there.

And this is really awesome because it starts off it says the love of God is in me.

Therefore.

See, as we talked about the God factor in a couple of the episodes back.

God has equipped you to do this so you can.

Like Linda said, we.

She's got lots of different confessions in her bathroom.

I hear them, hear her saying a lot of times and she's in there.

And what happens when you're saying that you're, you're hearing yourself say it and your spirit's hearing it and you're making a confession that you're going to do this.

It says I am never haughty, selfish or rude.

And sometimes you got to say it three or four times.

I am never haughty, selfish or rude.

I am not irritable or touchy.

I am never resentful.

And you say it several times.

It's like taking medicine.

That's right.

You take sometimes like I'm had to start taking some type of blood thinner stuff or whatever, different medicines after I had the stents put in.

I gotta take it twice a day.

Well, you can get God's word and take little medicine shots with it.

Yeah, God is medicine.

God's word is I am never hottie.

Especially if you're having a issues with this.

I am never haughty, selfish or rude.

And what will happen a little bit later if you start getting into a little argument or things get a little heated, you'll be surprised.

That'll pop up.

Yeah.

And the Holy Spirit will remind you you're not haughty.

That's right.

You're not selfish or rude because you have the love of God in you and the love of God is what's going to come out.

Now it takes time, but it will come out.

So take Your daily doses of the love confession.

That's right.

Now this ties is right into number three of those habits is that is your communication with God.

You know, it's important for you to be communicating with God individually.

But I'll tell you what, to help you with all your communication is you and your spouse coming together and praying together with God and that you guys, you, you, you, you, you come together, you join hands maybe and you just say a prayer.

Lord, we commit our marriage to you.

Help us be able to communicate more clearly and accurately with one another.

Help us to walk in love.

But there's something about you and your spouse praying together.

Even if it's just a simple, as you're starting off one or two sentences of prayers, it brings intimacy into your marriage.

It brings bonding because when you, you pray together, you're joining together spiritually, which will complement your emotional and physical intimacy.

It's just something powerful there.

Yes, go ahead.

I know how important this is to me and it seems like for us women that this is so important.

Even if it's like Greg said, just a quick little, you know, two or three minute maybe Johnny, your child is ill and you come together in prayer.

Well, the same thing come together in prayer.

If there's something going on, if you had, have had a heated discussion and you know, to just, you know, cool off a little bit and just pray together, take each other's hand.

It does, it's, it's like individually it is powerful, but it's so much more powerful when it's both you and your spouse that are communicating with God together.

And what is that scripture, dear?

Matthew 18 that talks about that.

Yeah, Matthew 18, 19, 20, it says, I, this is Jesus speaking.

He says, say to you that if two of you, and we're going to say husband and wife agree on earth about anything that they may ask.

I mean, that's praying about your finances, your love life, your sex life, your kids, your business, your work, whatever's going on in your, your, your family arguing.

If you, if you ask about that and, and ask God to work with you, it says it shall be done for them by my Father who is in heaven.

For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there in their midst.

So as you guys are praying together and whether again, it's that one minute prayer or you guys have 10 or 15 or 20 minutes of praying, he's there, he wants to help you have victory in every area of your life.

Yeah, God wants to get involved in your marriage.

You know, it takes three yes.

It takes three for a marriage.

Takes me, it takes my spouse, and it takes my daddy, God.

Right?

My father, God, my Abba father.

So those are the three areas that we were one to cover.

And I tell you, like Linda said earlier, that number three is the biggie because that's getting the God factor.

That's going to set you apart in so many ways if you'll be hearing the word and doing the word and allowing God to work in your marriage.

So over the past several episodes, again, we talked about the importance of sharing calendars, of handling conflict peacefully so that you can become a skillful and successful communicator.

And again, we talked about bringing the God factor in.

That's going to help you do that.

So communication is you guys sharing your goals and dreams all the way to getting over a conflict.

All right, It's.

You've got to do that.

So two closing scriptures, Proverbs 16, 23, 24, which we.

It's been a foundation for this series.

It says, the heart of the wise teaches his mouth and adds persuasiveness to his lips.

Practice communicating.

You're not going to change your habits in one day.

Practice.

If you.

If you blow up, ask for forgiveness and move on with it.

But teach your mouth.

That means you're going to be a wise spouse.

And listen to this.

Pleasant words.

This is your goal.

Even if you're in an argument or discussion or disagreement.

Pleasant words are honeycomb.

I mean, it even comes down if you're sharing about goals or dreams.

If you're a husband and your wife starts sharing about some goals and dreams that she has for her, her life don't go.

Well, that's stupid.

You're nerga.

You can't do that.

You don't even know how to.

You can't even bake a cake.

Why do you want to get involved in a cooking contest?

That's not a pleasant word.

Those are words of destruction.

Those aren't believing the best of your spouse.

Like love.

The love confession says so.

Pleasant words are a honeycomb.

Sweet to the soul and healing to the bone.

See, you're supposed to be a healer, not a hider, not a hurler, but a healer.

And your words can bring healing to your spouse?

Yes.

Then Psalms 133, this is part of 1 through 3.

It says, Behold how good and pleasant, good and pleasant it is for brothers.

Or we're saying here your spouses to dwell together in unity, which that comes out of your communication.

For there the Lord commanded the blessings of life forever.

As you two come together as a husband and wife and you're trying to be unified and trying to communicate and share and love and grow and you're doing all the different things that you need to do.

God's saying, I'm commanding blessings there.

Your family will be blessed, you and your kids and future generations, because you're setting an example, people.

So Lord, I just thank you right now that all the different things that we've talked about today in this episode and in the previous episodes, that all these couples, Lord, are going to be able to become skillful communicators, that their words are going to be bring healing, they're going to bring unity, they're going to be able to open up and share their goals and dreams and even know how to coordinate their calendars better because they're communicating.

And if a spirit of division comes up, they'll be able to nip it in the bud and deal with the issues at hand and get a 10 second kiss in and go about their day and be blessed.

So we thank you, Lord God, that you're, you're commanding blessings to come upon these couples today as they work on their marriage and become skillful in their communication.

Yes, that's right.

Amen.

Amen.

Okay, so a couple honey do's.

First of all, make your ground rule list with each other.

Now sit down and take a date night and write a little list out together.

Maybe pull the ones that we mentioned into the list and then talk about for you as you're in your marriage what kind of ground rule boundaries you want to have for each other.

And here's a hint.

Don't argue about the ground rules.

Oh, that's a good hint.

Then commit your communication with each other to God.

Yes, that's good.

Just like what we talked about.

And then how we gonna seal it?

Seal it with a 10 second kiss.

All right, do it in the morning,

but during the day get that 10 second kiss.

Call your spouse over, say, come here, I want to give you a good wet one and just set your timer for 10 seconds and give them glasses

all up if you have to fog

them up, fog them up.

But get that 10 second kiss in daily, but even throughout, throughout the day.

That's right.

And most of all, if you have a prayer request, we are here to pray for you.

You can also leave them on the phone line or through the email.

And then we will definitely be attacking to that because we pray for our, we pray for the couples out there that we pray for homes and marriages on a regular basis, so if you have a specific need, it's anonymous, so we'll be glad to cover that specifically for you in prayer.

And I hope you got inspired by today's message, and we're going to see you next week.

And until then, remember this you can be married and love it on purpose.

Thank you for investing into your marriage by listening to the Married and Love it podcast.

Be sure to be a part of the ripple effect of making marriage great by sharing this podcast with other couples to equip them to be married and love it.

Also, subscribe to and follow us on your favorite platform, and be sure to check out our website at www.marriedandlovet.com where you can learn more about Married and Lovett and contact us with any questions or comments that you may have.

And remember with God that you have a future and a hope and you can be married and Lovett on purpose.