EP 58. Communication in Marriage; Practical Tips to Handling Conflict Peacefully PT 1
In this episode, the hosts Greg and Linda Smith articulate the significance of effective communication in marital relationships, particularly when addressing conflicts. They frame the discussion around the vital principle that successful communication is not simply about exchanging words but involves a deeper understanding of each partner's feelings and perspectives. The couple elucidates that many marital disputes stem from misunderstandings and lack of clarity, urging listeners to approach conflicts with a mindset geared towards resolution rather than confrontation. The hosts reference Galatians 5:14-15, which serves as a poignant reminder of the biblical foundation of love and respect within marriage. They emphasize that when couples engage in disputes, it is crucial to focus on the issue at hand rather than resorting to personal attacks. This theme of attacking the problem rather than the person is explored in depth, as the Smiths provide tangible examples of how to navigate disagreements without escalating tensions. Listeners are encouraged to practice self-evaluation, recognizing their own communication styles and the impact they have on their spouse. The episode emphasizes the necessity of vulnerability in communication, advocating for honesty and openness, even when the truth may be uncomfortable. Greg and Linda encourage couples to create a safe space for dialogue, where both partners feel secure in expressing their thoughts and emotions. They also discuss the importance of timing, suggesting that approaching sensitive topics when both partners are receptive can significantly enhance the effectiveness of communication. By blending personal anecdotes with scriptural insights, the hosts provide a comprehensive framework for couples looking to improve their communication skills, ultimately guiding them towards a deeper, more loving connection. The podcast wraps up with actionable homework for listeners, urging them to evaluate their communication habits and to engage in constructive conversations with their spouse. The Smiths reiterate that the journey towards better communication is ongoing and requires continuous effort and dedication from both partners, reinforcing their commitment to helping others cultivate thriving marriages.
Takeaways:
- Investing time in your marriage through communication and conflict resolution is crucial for relationship health.
- Proper communication involves expressing thoughts and feelings clearly, fostering understanding and connection between partners.
- Daily practice of love and communication skills is essential for a thriving marriage, highlighting the importance of intentionality.
- Attacking the problem rather than the person during conflicts promotes constructive dialogue and prevents escalation of disputes.
- Recognizing and respecting your spouse's feelings is vital in maintaining a supportive and loving marital environment.
- Self-evaluation of communication habits can lead to significant improvements, enhancing both marital satisfaction and mutual respect.
Links referenced in this episode:
Use this link for email sign up.
https://lp.constantcontactpages.com/sl/LFxOu11
Website: www.marriedandloveit.com
Previous communication episodes: EP 4, 5; EP 29, 30; EP 47-50; EP 56; EP 57
Reference scriptures: Galatians 5:14-15; Proverbs 12:18; Proverbs 16:23-24; Galatians 5:16; Galatians 5:20 and 22; Proverbs 15:1; Ephesians 4:29-42; John 15:5; Proverbs 15:8; Colossians 3:8; Colossians 3:12-15; Philippians 2:2-4; Galatians 6:9-10; Luke 6:31
Welcome to the Marriage and Love it podcast.
Speaker AWe are Greg and Linda Smith, your host from Raleigh, North Carolina.
Speaker AIt's great that you are taking time to invest into your marriage by listening to our weekly podcast.
Speaker BAnd the goal of our podcast is to provide you with a weekly dose of marriage teaching to help keep you focused on your marriage.
Speaker BSee it as freshening up your marriage, preventive maintenance, a marriage tune up, or fanning the flames of romance, love, and passion.
Speaker BI guess you could even call it continuing education.
Speaker AWe will be covering everything that has to do with your marriage, including the hot topics like sex, communication, and love, and much more.
Speaker AOur teachings are based on Christian principles, plus over 48 years of marriage and ministry experience.
Speaker BWe want to help you make your marriage great by teaching you how to be married and love it.
Speaker AIt is an honor and privilege to have you join us.
Speaker BHey, thanks for joining us today to get your weekly dose of Marian Lovett, your booster shot for the week.
Speaker BIn today's episode, we're going to be talking about some practical tips to handling conflict and, you know, peacefully.
Speaker AYes, peacefully.
Speaker BPeacefully.
Speaker BThat's the word.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker AAnd we are talking about conflict today.
Speaker ABut just a reminder, when we talk about communication, it involves everything from setting your daily schedule to setting a date night to talking about the bills your go and your dreams.
Speaker AAnd believe it or not, there's people that don't even take time to do that, which leads to lots of frustrations in marriages.
Speaker ABut today we're going to talk about conflict.
Speaker ASo go ahead, Linda.
Speaker BWell, if it's not dealt with properly, it can actually lead to the destruction of a marriage.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker BYou know, so communication is vital.
Speaker BIt is key in a person in a marriage relationship.
Speaker BListen to what this scripture says, dear.
Speaker BIt's.
Speaker BIt's tough.
Speaker BIt says, it's Galatians 5:14 through 15.
Speaker BIt says, you shall love your neighbor, and I say our spouse as yourself.
Speaker BBut if you bite and devour one another, take care, lest you be consumed by one another.
Speaker BThat's an amplified version.
Speaker AWow.
Speaker AYeah, that's.
Speaker AThat's in.
Speaker BWell, we can see in this scripture that, you know, how it can actually destroy a marriage.
Speaker BRight?
Speaker AThat's right.
Speaker AAnd, you know, a lot of times listening to other podcasts or reading articles on communication and marriage, so many times people are saying we just don't communicate or everything turns into an argument or it just starts off soft and then it turns into a hollering attack.
Speaker AAnd there's so much that involves communication.
Speaker AAnd if you see in the scripture that Linda just read, you can Be in love and you can love your spouse.
Speaker ABut if we don't get our communication down, and then last week we talked about getting the fruit of the spirit going, talked about putting on love, and we talked about attitudes in our hearts and how we, how we control ourselves and, and we've got to get that under control within us so that we can learn how to do the 1, 2, 3 steps that you hear a lot of teaching on.
Speaker ABut a lot of times we hear the do this, say this, don't say this, act like this, listen this way, ask these certain types of questions which are all good and need it.
Speaker ABut if we don't get our heart under control, if we don't know how to make a decision to put on love and the lay aside anger in the flesh and impatience that's in us, then our communication is going to be doomed.
Speaker ASo tonight on this episode today, I should say we're going to continue talking about, as Linda said, how to communicate peacefully.
Speaker ASo buckle up.
Speaker AThis is going to be a good one.
Speaker AJust like Linda said, love your neighbor.
Speaker ABut part of loving your neighbor is learning how to communicate.
Speaker ASo I want to go to a scripture that we stand on a lot for married and love it.
Speaker AAll right?
Speaker AIt's Ecclesiastes 9:9.
Speaker AAnd this is kind of God's plan for our marriage.
Speaker ABut we're going to take it a little deeper about communication.
Speaker AIt says, enjoy life.
Speaker AGod wants you enjoying in your.
Speaker ATo enjoy your life in all areas with your.
Speaker AIt says in the Bible, it says why.
Speaker ABut we're going to put spouse in there.
Speaker AOkay?
Speaker AGod wants you to enjoy life with your spouse whom you love.
Speaker AAll.
Speaker AEverybody say all to yourself, days of your life, man.
Speaker AEvery day should be a love affair.
Speaker AYes, I know that's can be pie in the sky, but really it can.
Speaker AAnd part of that is getting our communication under control.
Speaker ASo what?
Speaker AWe've already talked about love a lot in our podcast, so we're not going to really dig down deep on love, but we're going to apply it to our communication like we did last week.
Speaker ALove is an action.
Speaker AAnd that means you're going to be communicating, communicating properly with the proper skills and applying that.
Speaker ASo God's saying, love your wife, love your spouse all the days of your life.
Speaker AThat's every day.
Speaker AAgain in episodes 56 and 57, we talked about putting on love.
Speaker ASee, when you get in that argument mode or you feel, feel the temperatures rising in your conversation right at that moment, you have the opportunity to put on love or to put on Anger to put on love or to put on impatience to put on love or to put in the last zinger, that's going to zing your spouse.
Speaker AAnd that's what we talked about in episodes 56 and 57.
Speaker ASo go back and listen to those.
Speaker ABut putting on love, communicating properly is a daily habit because it says love daily.
Speaker ASo it's a daily habit.
Speaker AIt's something you need to practice every day.
Speaker AAnd here's an attitude to have in all areas of our merge, but especially communication, because you know what we can, you can be driving around the road, down the road and listen to a podcast or read a good book or hear a message on communication.
Speaker AAnd you can hear all these points, but if you don't take them and put them into your heart and meditate on them and practice good communication skills every day, you know what?
Speaker AYou're not going to get it.
Speaker AYou're not going to get skillful.
Speaker AYou're not going to be able to have good communication because it just goes out your mouth, out of your brain, so to speak.
Speaker ABecause the word says faith comes by hearing and hearing the word.
Speaker AAnd that's how we get stronger, is by listening and learning and applying.
Speaker ASo Ecclesiastes 9, 10 is right at the end of loving your spouse and enjoying life every day.
Speaker AIt says, this is good.
Speaker AWhatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.
Speaker ACommunication is what your hand is finding to do.
Speaker AYour tongue and God is saying, do it with all your might, be skilled, get into it, learn how to communicate and make a decision.
Speaker ABecause love, love is putting the other first person first.
Speaker ASo that means in your communication, you should be communicating with, with love.
Speaker AThat's going to bring peace to your spouse.
Speaker AThat's going to encourage them, that's going to draw out their goals and dreams.
Speaker AIt's going to allow you to get through conflict where somebody's not run over and splattered against the wall, so to speak, because your tongue just blew up on them.
Speaker AIt's learning how to communicate and compromise and, and come up with a solution to what you're arguing about.
Speaker AAll right, so that's what we're going to look at.
Speaker AWhatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.
Speaker ABecause if you do this half heartedly, it will show up in your communication and will show up in your marriage.
Speaker ASo take communication seriously.
Speaker AThat's what we're getting at today.
Speaker ATake it seriously, Linda.
Speaker BWell, here's some daily habits that we need to apply regarding communication.
Speaker BThis will help out accept your part in Any poor communication that might be going to.
Speaker BGoing on within your marriage, like, you know, own it.
Speaker AYou mean if Mike, me and you were having an argument?
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AYou're not the only problem.
Speaker AIt could be me too.
Speaker BNo, it could be me.
Speaker BI need to look at myself.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker BNo, own it.
Speaker AWe got to own it.
Speaker BYeah, you got to own it.
Speaker BMatthew 7:3 through 5 says, and, and why do you look at the speck that's in your brother's eye?
Speaker BBut don't.
Speaker BDo not.
Speaker BYou don't notice the log that's in your own eye.
Speaker BOoh, we need to do a self evaluation.
Speaker BYou know, I need to take time to, you know, be mindful and listen to myself talk.
Speaker BWhen, when I'm talking to you, I want to be aware of what I'm saying.
Speaker BSo people ask yourself, how can I be a better communicator with how I'm talking and how I'm listening with my spouse?
Speaker BRight.
Speaker AYou said something.
Speaker AWhen you're talking, be aware.
Speaker AI've noticed recently, especially since we've been, you know, we've talked about communication a lot, but especially this last couple of months, we've done several podcasts regarding it.
Speaker AAnd I've noticed myself, like if we're getting in the kitchen or somewhere in the house and we're having a discussion and maybe we're getting a little bit of argument or disagreement or just talking and I'll hear myself subconsciously talking and it's like, Greg, you could have said that differently.
Speaker AOr, or Greg, your tone is getting a little, little louder there.
Speaker AAnd I'm catching myself.
Speaker AI'm self monitoring even while I'm talking and I'm able to back up and say, hey, Linda, let me say that differently.
Speaker AOr say to myself and rephrase it.
Speaker AAnd see, that's where practice comes in, is your mind does you do that self evaluation.
Speaker ASo I much rather me catch myself getting aggravated and say, okay, let me hold on dear, I'm getting a little aggravated here.
Speaker AOr to myself.
Speaker AAnd then while I'm talking, my voice can change.
Speaker AThen Linda have to point it out.
Speaker ASo that's what we call self evaluation, part of that.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker BLike, do I respond?
Speaker BAsk yourself this, do I respond or do I react?
Speaker AAnd see, that's in that communication.
Speaker AThat's a split second thing.
Speaker AIf I say something to Linda and she has within that split second, I mean this, this stuff is, is real and it's, it's vital that we get this in that split second, she can come back with the same type of maybe bad tone.
Speaker AI had, or, or maybe I offended her by what I said.
Speaker AAnd she can come back a certain way, but she has that split second to respond or to react.
Speaker ASo that leads us to becoming skillful.
Speaker AWe have been talking about that.
Speaker ASo let's, let's talk about being skillful just for a moment.
Speaker AProverbs 16, 23, 24 is one we've used for this.
Speaker AThe heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and as persuasiveness to his lips, it doesn't say, I'm going to teach Linda how to speak.
Speaker AIt's me, me teaching my mouth how to speak.
Speaker AIt starts with me, but then that becomes, I need to practice that and practice that.
Speaker ASo I challenge you to be teaching yourself.
Speaker AListen to these audios that we're doing and learn how to speak and practice it.
Speaker AAnd let me say this.
Speaker AIf you're listening and you know your spouse is working on this, allow each other time to grow.
Speaker BYeah, that's important.
Speaker AAllow each other, allow yourself.
Speaker BYeah, they're not going to change overnight to grow.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker AThese are habits.
Speaker ASome of you guys have been married for 40, 50 years.
Speaker ASome of y' all have been married for three months.
Speaker ANow's the time.
Speaker AIf you're three months, now's the time to really get a grip on this so you can learn, because the older you get, the harder it is to change because it gets ingrained in you.
Speaker ASo the heart of the wise teaches his mouth and asks persuasiveness to his lips, and therefore pleasant words come out.
Speaker AAnd that's a honeycomb sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Speaker AAnd then Proverbs 15:28 says, the heart of the righteous ponders how to answer.
Speaker AThat's what we need to be.
Speaker AWe need to have that instant thing we ponder.
Speaker AHow am I going to answer this?
Speaker AHow am I going to respond?
Speaker AAnd where we put on love and, and answer with love.
Speaker AMaybe speaking truth, but there's a right way to do that.
Speaker ABut it says, the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
Speaker ANow, it doesn't mean you're cussing and, and, and ranting and raving.
Speaker AIt may be speed.
Speaker AYou're not supposed.
Speaker BJust a jab.
Speaker AIt's just a jab.
Speaker BOr bad tone and such.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker ASo with all of this in mind, let me say this.
Speaker AYou have to be intentional and then do it.
Speaker AYou have to, you have to be thinking, I need to communicate properly.
Speaker AHere's how I'm going to do it, and I'm going to do it.
Speaker ABut you have to be on Purpose with it.
Speaker ASo let's look at some tips that we can apply on how to be better communicators.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker BHow to handle a conflict peacefully.
Speaker BAnd this is part one, because we're going to have to probably.
Speaker ARight.
Speaker BWe don't know if we'll get them all, but.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BWell, we want to be committed to being honest and extending mutual respect.
Speaker BWhat does that exact.
Speaker BWhat does that mean?
Speaker BIt means being you're expressing your thoughts, your concerns, your feelings, your desires, and you're expressing them clearly and truthfully.
Speaker BYou know, like a partial.
Speaker BIt's not a partial truth or half a truth.
Speaker BAnd you're not withholding information or actually misrepresenting the facts or feelings.
Speaker BAnd that can.
Speaker BThat actually can prevent your spouse from being able to properly deal with issue at hand because they really don't have all the information.
Speaker ARight, right, right.
Speaker ASo basically, if your spouse can't get proper information from you when you're talking, then they can't respond properly.
Speaker AThey're going to take.
Speaker AIf you're not saying what you're feeling accurately, then they're not going to be able to respond accurately and then that's going to cause you to get aggravated.
Speaker ASo got to share everything accurately and don't lead things out now.
Speaker BTell the truth, even if it's uncomfortable.
Speaker BOh, you know what, there's going to be times it is going to be uncomfortable.
Speaker BSo tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth because if
Speaker Ayou get caught not telling the truth down the road, it's going to cause more problems.
Speaker BYeah, sure.
Speaker ATell the truth now.
Speaker AShare with openness and freedom what's on your heart.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker BAnd you want to be vulnerable and willing to share your whole heart.
Speaker BSo we did some episodes that talks about that.
Speaker AYeah, Episodes three and four, I think.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker BYou know, you know, there's a part of being vulnerable and willing.
Speaker BYou know, you have to know that you can be that way with your spouse.
Speaker ANow, the key to that is, is if your spouse is starting to open up and be vulnerable, that's.
Speaker AYour spouse is putting their heart.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AIn your hands.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AHere's the skillful learner, skillful communicator.
Speaker AYou, you've learned how to take what they're saying and listen to it and respond and show that you're understanding.
Speaker AAnd if they're sharing some feelings or they're sharing a weakness or maybe something they did for you to respond in love and not crucify them.
Speaker BRight.
Speaker AOr say that was stupid or exactly why did you do that?
Speaker AI didn't know you thought that way.
Speaker AI can't believe that.
Speaker ANo, they're laying their heart out there.
Speaker AThey're being vulnerable.
Speaker AThey're, they're, they're taking a risk.
Speaker AAnd if you don't respond properly, you cut them off, you ridicule them, you come against them, which.
Speaker AWe'll talk about that in a few minutes.
Speaker AYou know what you're going to do?
Speaker AYou're going to put that heart in a shell.
Speaker BYou know, they got to know that they can trust you.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BWith their heart.
Speaker BRight, right.
Speaker BThat they're safe.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BThat they can be safe with laying it out there.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker ABecause what happens when that heart starts going in a shell?
Speaker AIt's going to, it's going to be harder for them to.
Speaker BYeah, that's right.
Speaker AThat's going to affect your communication because there's a good chance they're not going to keep sharing with you things of the heart or what's going on or if you go ahead.
Speaker BNo, I was just going to say.
Speaker BWell, that actually presents trust issues.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BYou know, we don't want that happening.
Speaker ARight, right, right.
Speaker ASo be vulnerable, as Linda said, and then moving on a little bit in that conversation, don't pretend to agree with them when you don't.
Speaker BRight.
Speaker ASo if you're.
Speaker AThere's something your spouse.
Speaker BAnd maybe it's an idea that's not being.
Speaker AMaybe they've got an idea.
Speaker AMaybe they're saying, hey, can we do this?
Speaker AOr how about if we try doing this differently or whatever it might be.
Speaker ADon't pretend to agree.
Speaker AJust say, you know what, dear, I, I like what you're saying.
Speaker AI appreciate, but I don't think we need to go that direction.
Speaker AI don't believe those glasses would fit in our cabinet real good.
Speaker AWhatever it is, speak up.
Speaker ALike ladies.
Speaker AHey, your husband says, hey, we need to get these type of dishes.
Speaker AAnd you go, oh, yes, dear, we can get those dishes.
Speaker AOr you're thinking, I don't want those dishes, but you know what?
Speaker AAnd then you get them and you're not happy.
Speaker ATell the truth.
Speaker ABecause that's.
Speaker AThat takes both of everybody getting mature to be able to handle the truth.
Speaker BRight.
Speaker BWell, also avoid exaggerating the facts.
Speaker AOh, I don't know anybody that does that.
Speaker BI don't think I do either, really.
Speaker BMaybe there's somebody out there, but it's worth saying.
Speaker AAnd then certain personalities are good at that.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AThe sandwich type people, they can exaggerate.
Speaker BYep.
Speaker ASo go ahead.
Speaker BRespect the other person and what they say.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker BThat's, you know, even if they're exaggerating.
Speaker BYou know how you can come back or you can say, wow, that is really colorful picture of what you're talking about.
Speaker BI don't see it that way at all.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BSo that would be showing respect.
Speaker BRespect their feelings and opinions as they're neither right or wrong.
Speaker BLike Greg was saying earlier.
Speaker BFeelings.
Speaker BA lot of this is just discussing your.
Speaker BYour own feelings.
Speaker BThey're neither right or wrong.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BThey're just feelings.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker AThat's something I had to learn.
Speaker AMost men need to earn.
Speaker ALearn that.
Speaker ABut respect your spouse's feelings, you know, so being truthful and honest is so powerful.
Speaker AThat's the key.
Speaker AThe bottom line, you gotta be true.
Speaker AVery important to have any type of progress going on.
Speaker BNow, another thing is to take initiative to communicate.
Speaker AYeah, yeah.
Speaker BThe another step, don't wait for your spouse to take that first step.
Speaker BYou be the one to break down the barrier barriers because, you know, issues might be building up and neither one wants to talk about it for whatever reason.
Speaker BWell, you take the initiative to communicate.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker BAnd get those barriers torn down.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker AWhen there's something that needs to be talked about.
Speaker ATake that.
Speaker ABecause what happens is if we let issues build up, before long that's going to start boiling over.
Speaker ABoiling over, going have an anger build up, issues build up.
Speaker AAnd when somebody doesn't deal with that and then especially if more issues pile up on that, what happens is like a Jack in the box.
Speaker AY' all have seen the Jack in the boxes before.
Speaker AYou start the, the little Jack in the box guys inside the box.
Speaker AAnd you wind it up.
Speaker AAnd the more you hide and hurt your feelings, you hide them and you hide them and you hide them.
Speaker AAnd then one week goes by, two weeks go by or whatever it is, and all of a sudden you can't hold it anymore.
Speaker AAnd bam, that Jack in the box pops up.
Speaker AWell, that wife or that husband, and they just explode.
Speaker ACan't hold on because they didn't speak up when they need it to speak up.
Speaker AYou know, that's why sometimes a wife can start crying and the husband goes, what are you crying about?
Speaker AShe goes, well, five years ago this happened.
Speaker BHe's like, are you kidding me?
Speaker BWhat?
Speaker AAnd the wife held on to it for a long time.
Speaker AAnd that happens.
Speaker ASo don't let things build up.
Speaker BAnd another thing is to make sure that the timing is right when you are going to communicate with each other.
Speaker BTalk or sit down and cover an issue.
Speaker BAsk yourself if the timing's right for you, but ask your spouse if it's the right Time for them to talk.
Speaker BYou know, they may be needing to come in and get the day shook off and sit down and kind of decompress from the whole day before they get hit with some big issue or some.
Speaker BOr even if it's a little issue, any kind of issue.
Speaker BCheck out the timing on all of it.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BStep out of your comfort zone, you know, make sure that you are stepping out of your comfort zone to move in on the issue.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker ANow, see, I can come back to.
Speaker AWell, we go by the personality types.
Speaker AThere's four different ones, but a couple of the types, they don't like the confront.
Speaker BThat's right.
Speaker AThey don't like to rock the boat.
Speaker ANow, if you're one of those type of people doesn't like to confront, you're more inward and you don't like to rock.
Speaker ALike I just said, rock the boat or cause a problem or speak up, then you've got to get out of the comfort zone.
Speaker AThat's part of getting mature, growing up.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker ABecause.
Speaker ABecause if you don't, then that's going to harm your spouse and your marriage.
Speaker ASo you gotta.
Speaker AYou got just like the.
Speaker AThe one that tends to exaggerate has to tone it back.
Speaker AThe one that doesn't want to talk, they got to come out of the box and the other one's gotta.
Speaker AThey gotta meet in the middle to have a good conversation.
Speaker BYeah, that's true.
Speaker AAnd so that's something to work on.
Speaker AAnd you can see what happens if somebody doesn't speak up or they do start speaking up and the other person that's the listener doesn't know how to respond, it's going to push that one back in their box.
Speaker ASo work on these issues right here.
Speaker ARemember, you got to be a good talker, but you also got to be a good listener.
Speaker ANow, the next.
Speaker ANext one we want to look at is attack the problem and not the person.
Speaker ABecause if you don't focus on solving the problem, then what's going to happen?
Speaker AYou start attacking the person.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AYou know, that gets into name calling.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AAccusations, blaming, belittling and attacking that person these different ways.
Speaker AAnd that's not what we want to have.
Speaker AYou can't get anywhere if all you do is attack the person.
Speaker AIf you don't agree with them or you think they did something wrong, look at the problem, focus on it and say, how can we solve it without attacking?
Speaker ABecause when you start attacking, what happens?
Speaker ADefensiveness becomes to stick in.
Speaker ASo now they're defending themselves, and that is.
Speaker AThis causes the conflict to escalate and causes everything to come up to that explosion point.
Speaker AAnd we don't want that going on.
Speaker BWell, a good example.
Speaker BWell could be say you go to your spouse and you tell them you always leave your dishes in the living room after you have a snack.
Speaker BYou are so lazy and selfish and you don't even know.
Speaker BYou know that I don't like stuff being left out like that.
Speaker BNow that could be said in a better way without attacking the person.
Speaker BIt can be said like this.
Speaker BWhen the dishes are left in the living room, it causes more work for me to do.
Speaker BHow can we prevent this?
Speaker BSee how better that was?
Speaker BHow that was way more kind and not attack, is it?
Speaker BIt was going to the issue, not the person.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker AOkay, so be a problem solver and not a problem solving people attack her.
Speaker BThat's good.
Speaker AAnd then don't threaten and say things you may regret later like calling somebody your name or saying they're stupid.
Speaker BYeah, that is some putting your foot
Speaker Ain your mouth or saying if you don't change then I'm, I want to separate because I can't handle this.
Speaker ADon't threaten.
Speaker AYes, don't threaten.
Speaker AAnd remember, if you attack the problem, it shifts the focus to the facts and solutions.
Speaker BYeah, that's good.
Speaker BThat's good.
Speaker BWell, we also want to avoid a self righteous critical attitude.
Speaker BOoh, ouch.
Speaker BAnd what that means is you, this is believing that you are right and your spouse is wrong.
Speaker BAnd I had heard somebody say they had married their spouse in the spouse's name.
Speaker BIt was right.
Speaker AOh yeah.
Speaker BAnd she said the problem was I didn't realize that his first name was always right.
Speaker AYeah, yeah.
Speaker BSo it's believing that you're right in your spouse.
Speaker BThat's how you, that's how you want, you want to avoid that critical attitude of self righteousness.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker AAnd so in a marriage situation, this is a spouse who's approaching a disagreement in a way that judges it attacks or assigns blame to their per their spouse's character.
Speaker AAnd when this happens, it's going to shut down communication and close it all down on defensive.
Speaker ASee how many of these different things together, all these different categories of types of communication put people on the defensive when we don't communicate properly.
Speaker BSome of the characteristics.
Speaker BIf you're wondering, well, am I being critical?
Speaker BWell, check yourself on this.
Speaker BFocus on the person is going to focus on the faults instead of the facts, you know?
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BYou are so selfish.
Speaker BNow that's, that's a critical attitude.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker BAnd then also believing that your perspective is right and Your spouse's is wrong.
Speaker BAnd also using absolutes, which would be words like, you know, you never listen to me or the person might be exaggerating and be accusing.
Speaker BSo these are all some characteristics to kind of just do a self check for yourself.
Speaker ASomething else a self righteous or critical attitude can do is they keep score.
Speaker AOh, they keep the score of everything you do.
Speaker AOh, that's painful to bring that up.
Speaker AYeah, they rehearse past failures to strengthen their argument.
Speaker BRight?
Speaker AYes, they bring up those.
Speaker AWell, you always did this and I remember you did this two years ago and then last year when we went out to eat, you did this when we were in the restaurant you said this.
Speaker AAnd don't rehearse the past.
Speaker ABring up the past.
Speaker AThat's past.
Speaker BYep, move on.
Speaker AAnd then not, not seeking to understand your spouse's heart or intention is another way to be self righteous because you don't care about them.
Speaker AYou're all about yourself.
Speaker ASo you really don't care what they, what their heart's feeling or what their intentions were.
Speaker BRight now another tip is to hear each other out rather than tuning them out.
Speaker BAnd James 1:19 says, Let everyone be quick to hear and slow to speak and slow to anger.
Speaker BSo you want to be willing to listen without interrupting and without trying to defend yourself.
Speaker BSo many times we will be talking, we'll be talking with our spouse and in our head we're already thinking how you're, how to defend ourselves in that conversation.
Speaker ARight.
Speaker BYou know, so don't do that.
Speaker BBe, you know, don't tune out what your spouse is saying.
Speaker BYou know, now you want to try to understand, put yourself in their shoes, you know, try to see it from
Speaker Atheir point of view that, that, that takes practice.
Speaker BIt does take a lot of practice
Speaker Athat all of this does.
Speaker BAll of it does.
Speaker BAnd a losing argument is when two people want to be the one to get the last word.
Speaker BAnd I think you had said earlier, you just got to get that last zinger in.
Speaker ASo you can see on all these things that we're talking about that if you're you, you can hear this today.
Speaker ABut if you're not practicing this and you've kind of had some of these characteristics in your communication for the last several years and you're conditioned to interrupt your condition to, to start your aunt figuring out your answer before your spouse is done or you've got the critical spirit or these, you're not always honest.
Speaker AMaybe it's going to take a little time to turn this ship around.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AAnd again, that's why?
Speaker APractice, practice.
Speaker AAsk God for help.
Speaker AGet the God factor involved.
Speaker ALike we talked about in the last two episodes that we did, getting God into help.
Speaker ABecause I'm going off our little script right here a little bit.
Speaker ABut once we're going over these things, some of them are really criticals and some aren't.
Speaker AWell, maybe that's not that harsh or not.
Speaker ABut a lot of times we just need God's help to come in and do these things.
Speaker AAnd.
Speaker AAnd that's what we talked about.
Speaker ASo I recommend going back and listen to the last two episodes on that so you can learn how to get God to help you with this.
Speaker ASo as you're practicing and he brings and he helps you say, you know what?
Speaker AYou need to be listening.
Speaker AYou're art.
Speaker AYou're not listening to your spouse right now.
Speaker ASo you can say, all right, mind.
Speaker AWhat is my wife saying?
Speaker AI can say, what is Linda saying right now?
Speaker ADo you can.
Speaker AAnd you can go.
Speaker ACan you.
Speaker ACan you re.
Speaker ARepeat that?
Speaker AMy mind.
Speaker AYou can always say, you know what?
Speaker AMy mind started wondering.
Speaker ACan you repeat that for me?
Speaker BI think that's good.
Speaker AYou got to learn these things.
Speaker AOkay, so go ahead, Linda.
Speaker AI didn't mean.
Speaker BWell, no, that's good.
Speaker BYou know, Proverbs 18:13 says, he gives an answer before he hears its folly.
Speaker BHe who gives an answer before he hears it's folly and shame to him.
Speaker ASo what does.
Speaker AWhat this requires is effective listening.
Speaker BThat's critical.
Speaker ATakes time.
Speaker ALike I was just saying, it demands paying close attention to the words that your spouse is speaking, the tone and quality of their voice, as well as your voice.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AThe depth of meaning.
Speaker AAnd listen to this.
Speaker AThe sender's eye.
Speaker ASee as you become.
Speaker BWhat are your eyes saying?
Speaker AYeah, communicator.
Speaker AYou can look at your spouse's eyes.
Speaker AYou can even how your.
Speaker AHow are your eyes reflecting the facial expressions and the body movements?
Speaker AIt's a whole package that communicates to your spouse.
Speaker BThat's it.
Speaker AAll right, now we're going to stop there.
Speaker AThere's more steps.
Speaker AWe'll get into those next time.
Speaker ABut I just want to share this scripture here in closing.
Speaker AAnd then we have a couple of announcements and some homework.
Speaker AGenesis 11:6 says, God is saying that the people, they're building this tower all have the same language.
Speaker AThey're basically on the same page.
Speaker AThey've got good communication skills going on.
Speaker AAnd he says, there's one.
Speaker AThey're one people, and nothing shall be impossible to them for them.
Speaker AAnd that's the goal that we have for your Marriage for you and your marriage through all these episodes that we've been doing on communication and today that you will become skillful, you and your spouse in communication.
Speaker AAnd when that happens, you're going to be unified even more and nothing will be impossible for you to accomplish together.
Speaker BThat's good.
Speaker BAll right, a couple honey do's.
Speaker BNow do a self evaluation.
Speaker BAsk yourself what areas do you need to improve on to become more skillful at communicating?
Speaker ACan we ask our spouse if they have any suggestions?
Speaker BYeah, that would be a great thing to do.
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker BIf you can do that without conflict.
Speaker AYeah, there you go.
Speaker AAnd, and don't be done.
Speaker AAnd if they offer some, if this is, this is good practical application because if they say, well, you know what, you do have a toning problem.
Speaker ADon't go, I do not.
Speaker BYeah, then you get, see, you just
Speaker Afails the homework right there.
Speaker BRight there.
Speaker ASo you got to start practicing while you do the homework.
Speaker BAnd then you know what?
Speaker BCommend yourself.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker BOn the areas that you are doing good in and commend your spouse.
Speaker BThat's another good thing.
Speaker BTell them.
Speaker BYou know, because I, I have noticed that Greg, since we've been doing this, these teaching series, I have noticed when he's caught himself, I said, oh, you did good right there.
Speaker BHe's like, I did, didn't I?
Speaker BYeah.
Speaker AYou know, implying that I got a communication problem.
Speaker BNo, I'm just saying that you're develop and you're getting more skillful at it.
Speaker BYou're getting more and more master's degree.
Speaker BSo that brings us to a third honeydew.
Speaker BAnd that's, that's a good one for
Speaker Ayou to cover the 10 second kiss.
Speaker AYou know what, when you're doing the 10 second kiss, you can't argue.
Speaker BYou sure can't.
Speaker ASo make it a 20 or 30 second.
Speaker BYeah, that's it.
Speaker AYes, do the 10 second kiss.
Speaker AAnd if you haven't heard about it, what we just say is if you're in the kitchen and you're getting ready to go out to work or do something, wherever you're at in your house, just pull your spouse up to them and say, hey dear, give me, let's do our 10 second kiss.
Speaker APull them up and plant a good old kiss on their lips for 10 seconds.
Speaker AAnd this, you can give them a little hug while you're at it.
Speaker AAnd you don't know how that's going to impact your day.
Speaker AYou may walk out of the house with a skip in your step and everybody, you go to work and everybody's going wow, what happened to you?
Speaker AYou know, or this may be a good kiss, but you know what, you took 10 seconds and bonded together for that time frame.
Speaker BThat's right.
Speaker BWell, we'd love to hear your comments and if you have any questions or if you got some topics that you would like us to cover in our podcast, will send us an email, let us know.
Speaker BYou can text it to us or do a voicemail even.
Speaker BAnd our phone number and email address is going to be in our show notes.
Speaker BPlus, if you have a prayer request, feel free to leave them also on this phone line.
Speaker BAnd we, we'll be, we will be.
Speaker BWe pray over all of our listeners anyways.
Speaker BBut if you have a specific prayer request, we'd love to cover you in prayer and share.
Speaker BShare, share, Right.
Speaker AThat's right.
Speaker BShare this podcast with a friend.
Speaker BShare it with your family members, spouse, Share it with your spouse.
Speaker BDo it together.
Speaker BDo a little Bible study together.
Speaker AThat's right.
Speaker BYou know, and do your honeydews together.
Speaker BRight.
Speaker BGo on a date night and then seal it with the 10 second kiss.
Speaker BRight?
Speaker AYes.
Speaker BAll right, well, thank you guys for joining us tonight, today, whatever, whenever you're listening to it.
Speaker BWhenever you're listening now, we see a
Speaker Alot of people listen to these at 3 o' clock in the.
Speaker B3 o' clock in the morning.
Speaker BWow.
Speaker BWell, so we hope that you have been inspired by today's message.
Speaker BWe want to see and know that you've been encouraged.
Speaker BI know I have.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker BYou know, because I'm going to be developing my skill.
Speaker BI'm going to be working on, you know, developing.
Speaker BI mean, we've been married for over 48 years.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker BAnd I still have to watch my mouth, you know, and how.
Speaker BWhat comes out of it.
Speaker AShe's speaking truth.
Speaker BI have to zip my lip many times and I have to take a pause and pay attention because I, I tend to want to wander over here or be thinking ahead before Greg even gets his whole message out.
Speaker BRight.
Speaker AYep.
Speaker BSo, and we're going to close with that.
Speaker BWe're going to see you next time.
Speaker BAnd until then, remember that you can be married and love it on purpose.
Speaker CThank you for investing into your marriage by listening to the Married and Love it podcast.
Speaker ABe sure to be a part of
Speaker Cthe ripple effect of making marriage great by sharing this podcast with other couples to equip them to be married and love it.
Speaker CAlso, subscribe to and follow us on your favorite platform and be sure to check out our website at www.marriedandlovet.com where you can learn more about married and love it and contact us with any questions or comments that you may have.
Speaker CAnd remember with God that you have a future and a hope and you can be married and love it on purpose.





