EP 56. Communication in Marriage; Keys to Handling Conflict Peacefully. PT 1

Foreign.

Welcome to the Married and Love it podcast.

We are Greg and Linda Smith, your host from Raleigh, North Carolina.

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Hey, I'm glad you're here with us today to get your weekly dose of Married and Love it your booster shop for the week.

And we've been talking about communication and I ran across this scripture and I thought, wow, okay, this says a lot because we're kind of getting into this next couple episodes of conflict within a marriage.

And it says here Galatians 5, 14, 15, it says you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

And I would put in parentheses there your spouse as yourself.

But if you bite and devour one another, take care lest you be consumed by one another.

Wow, that brings one fuzzies right there.

That hurts right there.

Oh my goodness.

And we see that go on in a lot of marriages.

So today's episode we're going to be talking about keys to handling conflict peacefully and becoming a skilled communicator and bringing in the God factor to help you communicate properly.

Yes, this is going to be an awesome podcast.

So I just encourage you to listen, listen all the way through because there's so much out there on communication.

And this one I believe today is going to break some of you all that's got cycles going on or you try this and you try that and we're going to get at the root causes of some of this.

But it's really big, basic and it's all in the Bible.

So hold on, get your pen out if you're not driving, take some notes, go back and listen to it later and get your spouse to listen to it.

It's going to be great.

So before we get into that, I just want to give you a little update.

In case you didn't notice, it's been a little over a month since our last, last podcast, I just want to tell you kind of what's been going on.

Some of y' all know that probably for the last four or five months, Linda had several different health challenges and procedures that hit at one time.

And she's been recovering and she's coming along well.

Still, still.

Still got some ways to go on a couple of things, but some made some good project.

However, I didn't cite it.

I guess I didn't want to get left out of it.

So I ended up having to have some procedures done for me for a couple of clogged arteries that we found after a lot of work getting it figured out.

So first of December and then the last part of January, I had a stent put in.

I had another balloon because they couldn't really get the stent where they wanted it.

So I've had some procedures, I'm doing well and up and running, and we're getting back in the saddle.

But we've had these things going on for quite a while, and life just can wear on you.

So between me having a procedure in January and life hitting, it's just like we just slowed down.

We had to have some time and we just slowed down and didn't put pressure on us.

But we are back.

We're back and we've got lots of ideas and things we're working on for the podcast and just hang in there.

We'll be on the weekly schedule and we'll have that going and tell your friends about it.

But I just want to say this.

If you, you need to be your own best health advocate.

Yes.

Because I, I was having some problems going on, and I, I probably talked to doctors about it for about five or six months before I actually got it taken care of.

And four, four and a half months was trying to get it located and it was right there in front of me on my heart.

But they had to change the test realm.

I kept going back and saying, hey, still hurts.

This isn't.

This isn't what it is.

Or they say, no, you look good, so whatever's going on in your body, I just encourage you to be your own advocate.

Don't blow off how you feel.

Get some help, of course, pray, because by the stripes of Jesus, you are healed and God can use doctors, but just push through because your health is so vital.

And for you to be the husband and wife you need to be, you need to have some good health for each other and for your family.

All right, let's get back on to our topic today, which is going to be on communication.

And we've shared several different podcasts on communication.

And when we started doing these podcasts, we didn't just do them different ones at random, we, we have it in order.

So as you're listening to this one today and you haven't listene to our other podcast, go backwards and start off on episodes four and five because we talk about 10 commitment keys in your marriage that you need to do to help you communicate properly and accurately with your spouse.

Then episodes 29 and 30 and then 47 through 50, take us from the beginning, so to speak, on learning what communication is, the importance of it, how you affect communication.

And then last episode that we talked about, it was episode 49, I believe, and we talked about skillful communication and began to touch on conflict.

And so now we're picking back up on that.

So, and one big thing we did bring out in an episode, I think it was 49, is there's three main types of communicators which we went into detail about and that's being a hider, a hurler or a healer.

So I encourage you to go back and listen to that one because that'll help you identify some things and for things for you to work on.

Well, you touched on it Greg, a minute ago that to share this episode with others like tell your friends and your family and if you're around a co worker or someone at church and maybe they mentioned that they're having trouble in their marriage, well, let them know about the podcast and that it would be good for them to listen to it.

You know, spread the word.

And remember I think what Greg was saying about the podcast, each podcast builds on the other podcast.

So that is like a, almost like a little study, self study, yeah, that they can do for their marriage.

Also sign up for our newsletter that's going to be in our show notes the link to take you on how to sign up for our newsletter.

Also, Valentine's Day as of this recording is coming up in a few days.

So in our newsletter at the beginning of February, we talked about doing the Valentine's Day challenge, which is doing a 10 second kiss for 14 days until Valentine's Day.

Now I know right now you're listening to that, this, this podcast and you don't have that much time, but you can start wherever you're at.

And it's just basically our ten second kiss thing.

We talk every podcast, grab your spouse, spouse, pull them up to you and plant a good old kiss on them for 10 seconds.

And that kiss can change that day and it can impact your marriage if you continue to do this.

So the challenge was to do it all the way up to Valentine's Day and then develop a habit of doing that so you carry it out for the rest of the year.

So that's our challenge to you.

Start that 10 second kiss today, celebrate on Valentine's Day and create a habit where you get a little bit of Valentine's Day every day.

Getting that 10 second kiss.

Hey.

And let us know that you're participating in the challenge.

We'd love to hear that and what it's doing for you and your marriage.

And so let's get into content.

The definition of communication is basically everything that your life together as a married couple are involved in.

Yeah, it might be your kids, it might be your grandkids, it might be your calendars together.

It might be health issues.

Maybe there's dreams, events that are going on.

Maybe you have some hurts or frustrations.

Maybe there also are some conflict things going on, victories, defeats.

Maybe you're doing a household renovation.

Oh, wow, that's a hard one.

Maybe you have some things going on with extended family, family members, you know, work and budget money, unresolved issues.

Sex.

Yep.

You know, I think people avoid discussing sex in their marriage.

That needs to be a topic that you talk about with each other.

A hot topic.

Hobbies, interests, challenges you might be facing personally or professionally.

Maybe it's something going on in your marriage.

Maybe it's your pets, you know, maybe it's your cat, your dog, your bird.

I don't know what it might be, but just talk about it.

Communicate.

There's a.

So you had an Inlanders article, dear.

Right?

Yes, I'm going to read that right now for us.

Kind of a good example of example of communication.

You know, a lot of people will say, we got communication problems, we got communications.

Well, you can see just from what communication is, there's so many different areas.

You may have talking about church and football games with the kids and your calendar going great, but you can't sit down and have a good discussion about sex or the bills or in laws.

So all of us have strengths and weaknesses.

So we want, when we say good communication, that is from talking about your calendar, talking about your day, talking about your sex life, talking about your hobbies, all the way up to anything you can imagine, all the way up to conflict and how to handle conflict.

Because that's the worst one right there.

Because what happens, you're arguing about everything else.

So that's what we're going to be talking about.

But let me just read this article, and it kind of puts things in perspective, and it's a good example.

This is from Darren.

Dear Anne Landers.

And this is probably from the the 80s, but it's the same principle that goes on all the time.

And air for you younger guys and girls.

Deer and Landers was a daily newspaper column where people wrote for advice.

All right.

It says, dear Airlanders, you recently published a letter signed Fateful reader in Vermont from a man who was upset and felt betrayed because his wife shared their conversations and disagreements with her sisters and close friends.

While I can see his point, I empathized with his wife.

My husband refuses to talk to me about things I feel should be shared between spouses.

This ranges from what is bothering him or me about our work to what may be bothering one of us about our relationship.

I cannot share my feelings or fears, anxieties or even my joys with this man because he has no interest and refuses to respond.

There have been times when he specifically told me to talk to my friends because he wasn't very good at dealing with my problems.

We all need an outlet, someone to share our thoughts with.

How I wish that someone was my husband.

You know, this could be a wife saying the same thing.

I mean, the husband saying the same thing about his wife.

But he's made it clear he can't handle that kind of intimacy.

So when I need to release my frustrations about anything, including him, I rely on my sister and my friends.

Sign me dear Shut out response.

What do you and your husband talk about?

The weather, Football?

Politics.

It's a miracle that your marriage has survived on so little nourishment.

You are lucky to have the emotional support of a sister and friends.

Since you didn't ask for any advice, I won't offer any.

But if you want a clue as to why your husband is so uncommunitive, my hunch is that he was frozen out by both parents and has kept his own feelings bottled up since early childhood.

You know, this is sad, but this goes on too many times where people, for whatever reasons, aren't communicating.

Maybe it's a legitimate reason, maybe it's not.

Maybe their mama slapped them on the head.

Maybe they got dropped when they're a baby.

Maybe they're just stubborn, whatever.

But there's people not communicating.

And you know what?

I'm just gonna be blunt because we're going to get into this.

That comes out of selfishness.

Because when you recognize that you have a problem and you're not doing something about it when you could that is, is, is selfishness because you know what can be done and what we're going to talk about in our communication, the problems can be overcome.

Yes, and it can be done.

So we're going to get into more about some of this and I kind of gave you a little peek there, but we're gonna, we'll get into all that.

So hang on, hang on.

This is going to be a good one.

So also I want to bring out that we brought out on some previous episodes that the communication keys is just not coming down well.

Don't say, you don't say you should have use I statements, all the different steps.

Those are all important.

But I'll tell you what, if your heart's not right and your heart's not in it and you don't got God involved, it's not going to be as successful.

So those are things we're going to talk about.

But just remember this, if you don't properly communicate and make it a priority, and you're probably already experienced this, you're going to be frustrated.

There's going to be disappointments, disappointments.

Bitterness will develop, even resentments will develop.

You become roommates and even roommates that can expound on the problems, but there is answers to it.

You don't have to live frustrated.

So listen to this and you'll find out some keys.

But I just want to tell you this.

Disagreements and conflict are part of marriage.

Linda and I will have a different, different disagreements on things.

Matter of fact, the other day we were, we were having a little disagreement.

You know, a disagreement also was not shouting and hollering and ranting and raving.

It can be a quiet thing.

You're just disagreeing.

But a lot of times what happens, it does get, the volume can go up.

And I remember Linda and I were, were talking and I felt like I was right and she felt like she was right and we kept going back and forth and I go, wait a minute, Greg, just, just say you're right like the Bible says.

You just say, I'm sorry, you're right and it stops everything.

Well, you know it.

Linda did.

I go, all right, you're right?

She goes, I know I'm right.

The way she said it, we just had a good old laugh.

See, a lot of times your conflicts, you can end up laughing at each other because they're so silly, you know, But I had to apply that principle and she let me know she was right, but I didn't argue with her.

See, I caught myself twice.

I was right.

Yeah, well, we'll talk about that later.

You know, I mean, what we're trying to say here is it's normal, it doesn't matter how long you've been married.

It's normal to have conflict within your marriage that, you know there's going to be some battles that go on, some surprise assaults.

You know, it might be in an occasional all out war time, you know, there might be cold wars of silence.

No, silence is worse.

As bad as the arguments that is, it really is.

And you know, a lot of people use these cruel methods.

You know, there's public criticism, there's intimidation, there's ugly sarcasm.

There might be some hateful remarks that are designed to put one of your, one, your spouse down.

And then this is something that has always been a pet peeve.

I do not like humor at your spouse's expense.

I think that, I just think that is just really cruel in a marriage.

So those are just some ways to think about, as we're talking about communication, what's going on in your marriage.

Yeah.

And you know, Linda was kind of bringing up how those battles come up.

It can be an all out war, but you know, sometimes you can just be having a good day and your spouse walks in mad and it's turns into a war.

There's conflict going in.

But sometimes conflict can be your spouse saying, hey, we need to talk.

Now a lot of times when guy here, when a guy hears, honey, we need to talk, the walls go up and comes in a com.

A conflict can even be planned.

This, your wife may need to talk to you and, and you say, hey, can we talk later this afternoon about such and such and you get together and you start talking about it.

But because of the way it's handled or things that are said, people get defensive.

And that conflict starts out of a calm conversation because things are said, feelings are hurt and then all of a sudden things explode.

And that's what we want to talk about, stopping.

So there's lots of different ways things happen.

But let's look at this.

This is a scripture that talks about how communication can be really be hard.

These are out of James.

Okay, so it says in James 3.

5, the tongue is a small part of the body and yet it boasts of great things.

Behold how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire.

That's talking about how these big forest fires, even like the ones that we saw in California the past few years, one little spark from a power line can create a thousands and Thousands of acres and do thousands of millions of dollars of damage from one little spark.

And that's what they're saying the tongue is like.

There's so much power in the tongue.

Let's look at James 3, 8, 10, it says, but no one contained the tongue.

It says no one.

It is restless.

It is a restless and evil full of deadly poison.

With it we bless our Lord.

Hallelujah, Daddy, God.

And with it we curse men who have been made in the likeness of God.

From the same mouth come both blessings and cursings, my brother.

These things ought not be this way.

See, we're set up for failure almost.

That tongue, our tongue that I'm talking with right now can bless and curse.

But you know what?

That doesn't mean we go, you know what?

There's nothing I can do about this.

This is just the way I am.

But you can tame it?

We can bring it under control?

Yes, we can learn how to do that with God's help.

And that's what we're going to get.

Getting ready to get into.

And that can save you thousands of dollars in counseling if you just get these principles down.

So we can control it.

And it's a little bit of work, but we can do it.

It's worth it.

Yeah.

Well, you talked a little bit about the hider, the hurler, and the healer.

So I've got a couple scriptures here that are examples of this.

Proverbs 12:18 says there's one who speaks rashly, like the thrust of a sword.

Now, that would be the hurler.

That'd be the hurler.

Right.

But the tongue of the wide wise brings healing.

So that would be the healer.

Yeah.

Okay.

So reckless words are like the thrust of a sword.

This is another translation.

Cutting remarks meant to stab into heart.

That would be the hurler.

Okay.

So, you know, we just see that there's so much power in the tongue, and we can see that it is hard to tame it, like you said, Greg.

But it can be possible.

All things are possible with God.

Right.

With God's help, we can learn how to bring it under control.

And in marriage and in life, we've got to learn to do all we can to improve our communication, and we got to learn how to do it properly.

That's.

That's about being like a skilled learner.

Yeah, Right.

And that's what we talked about on episode 48 and more detailed, becoming skillful.

And I'm going to read this, the foundation scripture we used when we talked about that.

It says the Heart of the wise teaches his mouth.

And as persuasiveness to his lips, pleasant words are honeycomb sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

That's why we read Proverbs 20:12.

18.

You may have a problem being the one who speaks rashly.

Like the thrust of a sword, you're cutting your person.

But you know what God's word says right here is if you teach your mouth, you can turn around and be the same person that has the tongue of the wise.

And bringing a healer.

Yes.

So you can do that.

If you've got a problem, you can do that.

We can pray that over our spouse and stuff some right here we're going to just say, be aware how you're communicating right now.

I want you to be thinking, am I a heiler, Am I a hurler or my healer?

Think about your own weakness and stuff.

And then what can you do to change that?

Now here's a big part of it right here.

It's a golf factor.

Yes.

You know, we got to get God to help us because, you know, honestly, we cannot do this on our own.

We can't.

As Christians, we can bring in the God factor, which it's him helping us in life and especially with our communication in all areas of life.

But we're going to put it toward our marriage, right?

Yes.

And so we can control our tongue with God's help.

Yes.

Right.

Yep, that's right.

But what happens when we leave the God factor out?

Not so good.

And you know what?

Ask yourself, how's that working for you?

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah.

I mean, think about it.

If you're not a born again Christian, you don't, you don't have the God factor really working in your life.

So this is an advantage that we have.

And that's why we say put our trust in and you in God.

And that's the God factor is what saved me and Linda's marriage years and years and years ago in our marriage and such.

So we just challenge.

You get the God factor involved and we're going to talk about how that works.

You have the ability.

We've got the God factor working.

You know, what with that statement that we have God on the inside of us to help us communicate, because on our own we can.

We're going to look at a scripture like that.

But what happens is it takes away the excuses.

Like the guy in that Ann Landers article I read, he said, I just, she said, he just says he just can't handle my problems.

He doesn't Want to talk to me?

Maybe, maybe his parents did squash his inner being where he couldn't share and he became inward.

But when you got the God factor, that's available to you, to me and to Linda, it takes away the excuses.

You just can't say it's the way I am.

You know, I gotta pause here for a minute.

We're talking a lot about the God factor and being a born again Christian and all that, but there's some people that may not know what that's all about.

Well, I want to encourage you, if that's you out there, let me just encourage you.

Send us a comment, send us an email.

Send us something to let you know, to let us know we can lead you into how to get the God factor into your life and how you can present yourself and your marriage to the Lord.

Right.

And make him lord over your marriage.

That's good.

That's good.

I tell you what's the best decision anybody can make.

It is.

And when you get God involved in everything.

And actually in episodes two and three, one of our first episodes, we talk about having the God factor in our marriage.

Because God's God wants your marriage to be exciting.

He's got so much good for you.

Don't base it on how your parents were or what you see.

And people say, I don't ever want to get married.

It's the best thing that can happen to you, but you need to be doing it God's way.

And his way is, is awesome.

It's fun and.

But takes work.

It does.

It has to be on purpose.

Yeah.

Now, and like we said in previous episodes, we've talked about practical, the practical dues, but now we're going to be dealing with us.

Good communication starts with me.

Good communication on our marriage starts with Linda.

Now you can say, well, that's both.

No, only one needs to start it.

That's right.

Only one needs.

Don't wait for your spouse.

Don't wait.

Because you can, you can get it started.

But you know what?

We need to do a self examination.

And that's why we Talked about episodes four and five, I think, where we talk about the 10 keys for to get your communication going with your spouse, but you need to do a self examination.

And we did cover this in more detail in one of the other.

I think it was 47 or 48, but I've got a scripture here and we're going to close this podcast with this.

And then on the next episode, I think it's episode 57, we're going to get in how the God factor works and about what's going on in our lives.

Okay.

This scripture says, search me, O God, and know my heart and try me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any hurtful way in me and lead me in the everlasting way.

I know.

I asked God, say God, how can I love Linda better?

How can I communicate better?

Lord, I have a problem of, of interrupting Linda.

Help me stop interrupting her.

Help me to, to, to hear what she's saying and respond.

Tone.

That's what I'm trying to think of, my tone.

I have a lot of.

Linda says I have tone problems.

Quit toning me.

And I go, I'm not telling you, I'm just excited.

I'm.

You're toning me passionate.

She says, I'm Tony.

Honestly, I have to ask.

God said God, that's a habit.

I've done it for years.

I think my dad used to do that and, and our kids even do it at times, and that's hard to break.

But I keep saying, God, help me see what I need to do to change so I can be a better communicator with Linda.

So as we end this particular podcast here, this episode, think about what we've talked about.

The God factor coming in, taking away excuses and see where you're.

Maybe you're lacking.

And then when we come back on the next episode, we're going to get into how to use God in your life and the things that you look for to see that happen.

Okay, let's do it.

Well, so let's just talk about a honeydew.

We're just gonna go with the 10 second kiss, plus the Valentine's Day challenge.

And plus do a self evaluation.

And a self evaluation.

We can do that.

That's very good.

So I hope you've been inspired by today's message.

I know I have.

It's gonna encourage me, it's challenging me.

And remember to pass this on.

If there's anybody you know that can benefit from the this podcast, pass the word along to them and we're going to see you next time that we get together.

And until then, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Honeydew part is do the self evasuate self evaluation for you on how you're doing.

But just take time to think about your marriage where you are having areas of communication issues.

You need to work on your calendar system.

You need to sit down and say, you know what?

I need to start taking time to sit down with my spouse and take 10 or 15 minutes a day when the kids are in bed or we get home or whenever it is and take a 10, 15 minute walk and talk.

Start looking at your overall communication and see how that can be improved.

Also, and I want to just encourage you, don't lose heart.

You know, I mean, you might have heard the things that we talked about today, but you know, don't lose hope, don't lose heart.

It's not going to happen overnight.

You're not going to change yourself and you're not going to definitely change your spouse overnight.

Just hang in there.

And so we will see you the next time on the next podcast, right?

And until then, remember this.

You can be Married and Love it on purpose.

Thank you for investing into your marriage by listening to the Married and Lovett podcast.

Be sure to be a part of the ripple effect of making marriage great by sharing this podcast with other couples to equip them to be married and love it.

Also, subscribe to and follow us on.

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And remember with God that you have a future and a hope and you can be married and love it on purpose.