EP 50. Communication in Marriage; Pt 2 of Do's and Don'ts to Becoming a Skilled Communicator
In this enlightening episode, the hosts explore the intricate relationship between communication and conflict resolution in marriages. They underscore that effective communication is foundational for addressing disagreements and misunderstandings, advocating for a proactive approach to dialogue. Through practical examples and scriptural references, the hosts provide listeners with actionable advice on how to navigate difficult conversations. They assert that the heart's condition directly influences communication, urging couples to cultivate a spirit of kindness and understanding in their interactions. The episode serves as a reminder that communication is a skill that requires ongoing learning and application, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling marital relationship.
Takeaways:
- Effective communication in marriage requires continuous practice and intentionality, as discussed in this episode.
- The importance of utilizing 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements to foster constructive dialogue is emphasized.
- We must be mindful of our body language, as it significantly impacts how our words are received by our partners.
- Developing communication skills can lead to improved relationships and successful conflict resolution in marriage.
Foreign.
Speaker BWelcome to the Married and Love it podcast.
Speaker BWe are Greg and Linda Smith, your.
Speaker CHost from Raleigh, North Carolina.
Speaker CIt's great that you are taking time.
Speaker BTo invest into your marriage by listening.
Speaker CTo our weekly podcast.
Speaker AThe goal of our podcast is to provide you with a weekly dose of marriage teaching to help you stay focused on your marriage.
Speaker ASee it as freshening up your marriage, preventive maintenance, a marriage tune up or fan in the flame of romance, love and passion.
Speaker AWell, you can even call it continuing education.
Speaker BWe will be covering everything that has to do with your marriage, including hot topics like sex, communication, love, and much, much more.
Speaker BOur teachings are based on Christian principles plus over 47 years of marriage and ministry experience.
Speaker AWe want to help you make your marriage great by teaching you how to be married and love it.
Speaker BIt is an honor and privilege to have you.
Speaker CJo.
Speaker AHey, I'm glad you joined us today to get your weekly dose of Married and Love It.
Speaker AThis is your booster shot for the week.
Speaker AOn today's episode, we're going to be continuing talking about the do's and don'ts on becoming a skilled communicator.
Speaker AWe started this in episode 49, and in episode 48, we talked about successful communication being a skill and that it must be learned and practiced.
Speaker AWe discussed how the condition of our heart can impact our communication.
Speaker ASo let me encourage you to go back to those two because they kind of all blend in together.
Speaker AAnd we're picking up with this episode 50 today, and they all kind of merged together.
Speaker ASo.
Speaker CAnd actually our whole communication series actually started on episode 29 and 30 where we kind of laid out what communication is and how it works in your marriage and some points to get started on your communication skill development.
Speaker CSo go back to 29 and 30 and then actually opposite, I think also episode 47, we laid some more foundation, which is really good.
Speaker AAll of them kind of.
Speaker CWhich episode 47 actually has one of the big keys on successful communication.
Speaker CSo go back and listen to that one.
Speaker ABut these particular ones we're hitting on right now is about conflict within.
Speaker CYeah, Deal more with conflict.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker ASo, and so let me just say what communication really includes is when you share your heart.
Speaker AI mean, it doesn't have to be negative conflicts.
Speaker AIt.
Speaker AIt's calendars.
Speaker AWhen you talk about your budget decisions, you're making together decisions in your life.
Speaker AYou know what our point is?
Speaker AJust do it.
Speaker CYep.
Speaker CJust do it.
Speaker CCommunicate.
Speaker AThe word.
Speaker AHe said the word says to communicate.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker ASo.
Speaker CSo today we're going to start off with one of our base scriptures on communication.
Speaker CAnd like Linda brought out with what the communication involves so much today when I'm doing research or I get on instant Instagram or Facebook, I see is getting over conflict in communication.
Speaker CBut communication just remind you, yeah, maybe you're having problems arguing or your disagreements or somebody's not even communicating, but communication is everything.
Speaker CIt's communicating your love and listen to set calendars, just sitting down and sharing your heart.
Speaker CBut right now, today we're going to be getting in probably dealing with things on the practical do's and don'ts of when you are communicating so you can have peaceful, productive communication.
Speaker CSo one of the base scriptures that we've been using that I really like is Genesis 11:11:6.
Speaker CAnd it said the Lord said, behold, they are one people.
Speaker CAgain, that's talking about Pete.
Speaker CGod's people were trying to build this tower up to heaven.
Speaker CAnd he said they are one people and they all have the same language.
Speaker CAnd this me to me shows me that in your marriage then Melinda and I's marriage, communication is vital.
Speaker CIf we're not communicating properly, just like a sports team when they're playing sports or and in the army when they're trying to, to get behind the enemy lines, they have to be able to communicate.
Speaker CAnd the enemy comes in and tries to stop their communication so the army can't advance.
Speaker CWell, the enemy's coming in and trying to stop me and Linda, are you and your spouse from having effective communication?
Speaker CAnd so whether that's getting aggravated because we didn't do our schedules and we didn't pick up the kids on time or whatever it might be, our communication is so important that we're speaking the same language and that's gonna, that that gets into the skill.
Speaker CAre we on the same page on how we communicate?
Speaker CAnd what's so cool if you could you as a couple can conquer this and develop, I would say develop it because we're always growing and learning.
Speaker CIt says.
Speaker CAnd he said this is what they began to do and now nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them.
Speaker CAs you as a married couple can get on the same page in your communication, develop your skills.
Speaker CQuit being selfish and pouting and walking out of the room when you, when you don't get your way or whatever.
Speaker CThat's an extreme case, but it happens, man.
Speaker CYour marriage, your sex life can improve, your finances can improve your, your romantic life, your relationships and everything you do will excel because you're speaking the same language.
Speaker CThe other scripture is Proverbs 16:23 through 24.
Speaker CAnd I love this scripture.
Speaker CIt says, the heart of the wise teaches his mouth.
Speaker CAnd we've talked about this, but I just want to reiterate it.
Speaker CThat's talking about becoming a spill skillful communicator.
Speaker CAnd it says, the heart of the wise teaches his mouth.
Speaker CAnd that's what we're doing on these podcasts here.
Speaker CAnd as persuasiveness to his lips, and it says, pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Speaker CSo as we become experts in our communication, develop that skill, our words are going to become honeycombs and they're going to bring healing to our relationships and keep problems from developing.
Speaker AYeah, we hear a lot of stories about couples not being able to communicate about anything.
Speaker AAnd most often when they try, what happens World War Three?
Speaker COh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker ADon't you hear a lot of that going on?
Speaker AYeah, well, you know, we can hear all the how to do's and don'ts and the secrets on how to have good communication, but if you don't learn them and do them, then you are not going to succeed.
Speaker AYeah, you know, we got to apply the things that we're learning and.
Speaker AAnd in other words, developing, learning and applying them, that is going to make for good communication skills.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker CIn James 1, 1926, we've got a good example of good communication and what we need to do to develop it.
Speaker CAll right?
Speaker CIt says, part of it says to be a hero of the Word and to do the Word and you will be blessed in what you do.
Speaker CSo first of all, we got to be hearing it.
Speaker CWe got to be learning how to be a skillful talker, how to do it, and then we have to do it, and then it says you'll be blessed.
Speaker CSo the Bible's given us instructions.
Speaker CWe have to be here because what happens, a lot of people will go and hear a sermon or a podcast on marriage or something regarding.
Speaker CWith marriage.
Speaker CAnd they hear it and they go, that is good.
Speaker CThat is awesome.
Speaker CAnd by the time they get home or get back in the car or two weeks later, they've done forgot about it.
Speaker CSo we got to hear and continue to hear the word, but then we got to do it.
Speaker CSo what happens when you start doing it?
Speaker CIt becomes part of you.
Speaker CIn other words, to be a skilled communicator, we communicator.
Speaker CWe have to develop the reps. We got to practice it.
Speaker CSo whenever you get times to.
Speaker CWhenever you get time and you have a.
Speaker CYou're having a discussion, heated discussion, a lively discussion, or even when you're talking about the calendar things, you're practicing, and the more you do that and the more you practice good communication, you're going to get better at it before long.
Speaker CIt becomes natural to you.
Speaker CYou don't have to think about it.
Speaker CSo we have to be an intentional on our communication.
Speaker CThe other night, Linda and I were in the kitchen, and we started talking.
Speaker CAnd I think.
Speaker CI don't remember what it was about, but she said to do this, and I said I was going to do this.
Speaker CAnd there was a difference of opinion in there somewhere.
Speaker CAnd both Linda and I are very highly opinionated, and we're both cleric personalities, so we both want to sit there and say our thing or do our thing.
Speaker CAnd I. I felt the atmosphere getting a little more heated, and I actually thought of something else to say, and all of a sudden my brain kicked in just like that, and I just said, you know what?
Speaker CYou're right.
Speaker CAnd it ended it just like that.
Speaker CI had to be intentional.
Speaker AWell, that's because I was right.
Speaker AAnd so once you finally write there.
Speaker CSee, that's because really, we've been talking about this such so much.
Speaker CI'm hearing it, and I had to apply it.
Speaker ASo faith comes by hearing and hearing and hearing and hearing.
Speaker AAnd that's the point we're trying to get across right today, to become that skilled communicator, you're going to have to hear the Word.
Speaker ABut then the other point we're trying to get across today is then you got to apply it.
Speaker CRight.
Speaker CBut see, what happens is what.
Speaker CA lot of times we'll hear messages on healing or finances or.
Speaker COr whatever type teaching, and we.
Speaker CWe constantly will listen to that to get our faith going.
Speaker CBut marriage teaching is just as important as any other, these teachings.
Speaker CAnd that's why the Bible says, like Linda just said, faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God.
Speaker AWell, that's why we bring out that this is our weekly dose.
Speaker CRight, the weekly dose.
Speaker ANow to do it on a regular basis, to hear marriage teaching and get that weekly dose.
Speaker AGet that booster shot for you.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker CBecause if.
Speaker CIf maybe once a week, once a month, a quarter.
Speaker CBut we need it because it jogs your memory.
Speaker AWell, there's the four R's.
Speaker AYes, we're going to renew our mind with it.
Speaker AWe're going to refresh ourself with it.
Speaker AWe're going to be able to refocus on it, and it would be marriage stuff, and then it's going to remind us stuff.
Speaker AWe always.
Speaker AWe always say, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I Heard that.
Speaker AWell, what have you done with it since you heard it?
Speaker CThat's right.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker AWhat have you done with it?
Speaker AYou know, so remind yourself because you can always.
Speaker CThis is stuff we always got to.
Speaker CTo be applying.
Speaker CThat's what we say.
Speaker CWe're on purpose.
Speaker CSo as you're learning this and developing your skills, we have to be intentional.
Speaker CSo if you get in a heated marriage and love it, you got to get intentional.
Speaker CSo, okay, what should I do here?
Speaker CThis isn't right.
Speaker CBecause your holy spirit and we talked about the using the spirit.
Speaker CIt's going to prop.
Speaker CTap you on the shoulder and go, go.
Speaker ARemind you.
Speaker CRemind you.
Speaker CJust like sometimes when we're recording and I get too long winded, all of a sudden I see Linda kind of sending me a signal, okay, let's move on.
Speaker CAnd I can ignore it or I can say, okay, yep, I do need to move on.
Speaker CWhatever you need to say, okay, you're right.
Speaker COr other stuff the wife saying, you know what, you're right.
Speaker AWell, that comes to the scripture next.
Speaker AThat really part of it says, let everyone be quick to hear.
Speaker CAnd this is part of James right here.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker ABe quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
Speaker CRight.
Speaker ASo when we talk about the gentle answer turns away wrath.
Speaker AThat's another scripture, you know, that's.
Speaker AThat that's important as well.
Speaker AThere's so many that they blend together.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker CEveryone be quick to hear.
Speaker CThat's the first thing we need to do is listen.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker CAnd then slow to speak.
Speaker CDon't spout off the first thing that comes out of your mouth.
Speaker CAnd to be slow to anger.
Speaker AOkay, now, yeah, we got to watch that.
Speaker AThe first thing that comes to our head.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker CSo with this scripture here, there's two points we always talk about.
Speaker CLinda just shared the scripture.
Speaker CA gentle answer turns away wrath.
Speaker CBut a big key is how do you start a conversation?
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker AHow do you.
Speaker CWhen you come in and you've got something to talk about, do you come in like a bull in a china cabinet and just start ranting and raving or coming off using you statements, you did this or I need to.
Speaker CYou did this.
Speaker COr do you start off with a soothing tongue?
Speaker CProverbs 15:4 says, A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion crushes a spirit.
Speaker CSee, if Linda comes to me with something she needs to talk to me about, and she comes off accusing, assuming, saying, you did this or this and that, which we're going to talk about how to do that a little bit.
Speaker CWhat do I do if I'm not.
Speaker CIf I'm not listening properly, I'm going to get defensive.
Speaker CYep, that's what most people do.
Speaker CBut if I, if I put on my antennas, I'm going to say, oh, wait, wait, wait a minute, let's talk about this.
Speaker CSee what it starts.
Speaker CIt starts a snowball effect if we don't answer properly.
Speaker CSo two parts.
Speaker CHow do you respond to somebody?
Speaker CBut a biggest part is how do we start the conversations off?
Speaker CSo develop your skills.
Speaker CPut the reps in every time you get in a situation to talk.
Speaker CFocus on practicing your skills of communicating.
Speaker CSo before long, they become human nature for you.
Speaker CYou just do it automatically.
Speaker CBut you know what?
Speaker CYou're going to fail sometimes.
Speaker CA lot of these speakers I listen to and people that have been married for years, they'll say, you know what?
Speaker COverall we do pretty good.
Speaker CBut every so often they'll go, man, I really blew it last night because we're, none of us are perfect.
Speaker CSo when your spouse messes up, forgive them, do a 10 second kiss and move on because both of you are learning and nobody's going to be perfect all the time.
Speaker AYeah, if you have a bad conversation, we'll just review it, Review it with yourself and, or review it together and see how you could have done things differently or, or talk differently.
Speaker AIt's, it's not just the talker, but also the listener.
Speaker CRight.
Speaker AYou know, so it takes two to tango.
Speaker CThat's right.
Speaker AThere you go.
Speaker ADon't condemn your partner.
Speaker ALike Greg said, realize that we're both learning.
Speaker AYour, both of y' all are learning and growing.
Speaker AYou, you know, whatever their behavior may have been or that, that you don't react to that, but you just respond.
Speaker AYou listen, you respond.
Speaker AAnd that, that, you know, that's a skill set.
Speaker AYeah, that's something you got to learn.
Speaker AWe learn by failures and then we just keep on going, right?
Speaker CThat's right.
Speaker AWell, let's just take a short break because all that's been a pretty good booster shot.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker AThink here.
Speaker CI do.
Speaker ABut hey, I just want to let y' all know that we're going to be our 48th wedding anniversary on November 12th.
Speaker AThat's coming in.
Speaker ASo in honor of this, we're going to be giving away four of the married and love it coffee mugs.
Speaker AIf you're currently on our mailing list to receive our newsletter and you send in a comment, question, prayer request, if you do a review, then we're going to put you in the drawing for those coffee mugs.
Speaker AIf you're not already signed up for our newsletter, click onto the link that's in our show notes to sign up and then we're going to enter you into the drawing.
Speaker ASo the deadline is November 30th.
Speaker AWe're going to do the drawing on December 1st.
Speaker ANow if you'd like to see what our mugs look like, go to our website, which is also in our show notes and click the button on the website how to get to it.
Speaker AAnd it's going to show you a picture.
Speaker AJust like go to the stores, the store, merch shop and click on that and then you can open it up and see what we've got there for you.
Speaker CYep, that'll be fun to have that drawing.
Speaker CI know some of y' all are going to get blessed by taking part in that.
Speaker ANow, you know what someone had said, you know what?
Speaker ADon't put me in the drawing.
Speaker AAnd because we've already had people, their names going in because we don't drink coffee.
Speaker AWell, you don't have to drink coffee.
Speaker AUse it.
Speaker AYou use that mug to put pens in or drink hot tea, hot chocolate.
Speaker AYeah, that's true.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker COr give it away.
Speaker AGive it away to somebody else, you know, and.
Speaker AOr just set it up on your windowsill or wherever it is that you have something to remind you to pray for us.
Speaker CThat's right.
Speaker ABecause you know what?
Speaker AWe really do need your prayers.
Speaker CAlso.
Speaker CIt can be, it can be a reminder to you to say, hey, oh, that's right, I'm married and love it.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker CThat keeps your vision before you.
Speaker AThat's right.
Speaker AAnd remind yourself of being married and love it.
Speaker AAnd being intentional.
Speaker CThat's right.
Speaker CYou got to be in on purpose.
Speaker AOn purpose.
Speaker CSo let's look at some more areas that are the do's and don'ts.
Speaker CIn the first five that we covered last week was number one, deal with conflict.
Speaker CClarify what you were saying.
Speaker CMirror what you heard.
Speaker CGive your shoulder, not your mouth and avoid using.
Speaker CYou should have statements.
Speaker CAll right, so that's a boatload.
Speaker CLet's move on to number six, Linda.
Speaker AAll right, let's get into it.
Speaker AAsk open ended questions.
Speaker ANow you might wonder what is an open ended question?
Speaker AThat is a question that it take.
Speaker AThey put the person you're asking it answers either yes or no.
Speaker AThat is a close that you know.
Speaker ASo we want.
Speaker AWhat you want to do is open something, say it like this.
Speaker AOkay, well, first of all, here is what you don't want to say.
Speaker ADid you enjoy the sermon today?
Speaker AYes or no would be an answer.
Speaker AWell, what you want to say Is what did you like the best about that sermon today?
Speaker AOr maybe another thing would what happened at work today?
Speaker AOr you know, who did you have lunch with today?
Speaker ASome.
Speaker AHow was your day?
Speaker AYeah, give me details on that.
Speaker AAll of these do statements promote conversation?
Speaker CRight?
Speaker AAsk that open ended question.
Speaker CYep, that's the best way.
Speaker CI mean, if somebody says, how did you like the sermon?
Speaker CIf it did you like the sermon today?
Speaker CAnd they say, yeah, well, you can always say, well, what did you like about it?
Speaker CNow that may put them on a spot, but that's opening the conversation up.
Speaker CSo the next one is speak for yourself.
Speaker CAnd we kind of alluded to this a little bit earlier.
Speaker CIt is, that means use I statements instead of you and I used to be real bad about doing you statements.
Speaker CAnd I may still be at times, but you statements put people on the defensive.
Speaker CIf you say, you always do this, you did this, you make me do this.
Speaker CWhat that does is it opens that door for defensiveness and for them to, to react because automatically we put on our defensive mechanisms.
Speaker CSo don't say, you make me so angry when I should do all the housework.
Speaker CWhen you act like I should do all the housework.
Speaker CSee, I got angry and I couldn't even speak right.
Speaker CYou, you, you lever lift a finger to help.
Speaker COr you could say, to bring peace in the home.
Speaker CI get so discouraged when I feel like I'm expected to do all the housework.
Speaker CSee the difference?
Speaker CYou make me angry.
Speaker CPoint my finger at Linda.
Speaker CYou make me angry.
Speaker AOoh, body language.
Speaker AWe're going to be, yeah, we're talking in a minute.
Speaker CSo say I, everybody say I say I feel this way.
Speaker CThis is what happens to me.
Speaker CAnd put it on you yourself and say how it makes you feel or what the responses are and it will help to fuse things and then it will open the door for a better conversation.
Speaker ARight?
Speaker ASo the next one is don't butt in or interrupt.
Speaker AAnd I have to say ouch on that because this is an area I have to constantly work on that I am not interrupting or thinking ahead and saying it before I let Greg get ahead, you know, get it, get everything out that he and I even do.
Speaker CIt a lot because we, what happens is we start thinking like Linda said, we start thinking ahead how we're going to answer or how we could say something better.
Speaker CAnd it when both of you are butts or buddies, then you're a butt.
Speaker AWhen you butt in, you're a butt.
Speaker AProverbs 18:13.
Speaker AHe who gives an answer before he hears it is Folly and shame to him.
Speaker AOh, let the other person have their say.
Speaker AYou know, it's kind of rude.
Speaker AIt sends a message.
Speaker AI don't want to hear what you have to say.
Speaker AIt actually, that also shows.
Speaker AIt creates defensiveness and it can wreck the communication line.
Speaker AIt destroys the flow of thought and the conversation.
Speaker ABecause, like, think about it.
Speaker ADo you want to be interrupted when you're talking?
Speaker CNo.
Speaker AMe either.
Speaker AYou know, because, well, what happens to me if I get interrupted is then I forget what I was saying.
Speaker CYou know, it comes back.
Speaker AIt's true.
Speaker CIt comes back to be an intentional.
Speaker CSee, when you get in these conversations, we have, have to, we have to shift in, okay, how do I react?
Speaker CHow am I responding?
Speaker CSo you almost got two tapes going in your head saying, okay, what should I do here?
Speaker AThat's right.
Speaker CAnd when you feel that urge, the more you do this, like we were talking about, you're getting the reps and so you're going to be getting.
Speaker CYou'll learn the signals that's coming from your spirit that goes, Linda could be talking.
Speaker CI go get ready to say something and I can catch it because I'm making myself aware of what I'm doing because I'm being intentional.
Speaker CSo it takes practice.
Speaker AIt does take practice.
Speaker CJust because you hear this, maybe you've never.
Speaker CThis is pretty common teaching for communication right here.
Speaker CThis is no heavy revvy.
Speaker CUnless you've never heard it before.
Speaker CBut just because you hear it once, unless you're just almost like, God, you're not going to get it the first time.
Speaker CProbably.
Speaker ANo.
Speaker AThat's why we say about hearing and hearing.
Speaker AAnd hearing, right?
Speaker AYes, yes.
Speaker ASo let's move on to the next one.
Speaker ABe aware of body language, whether it's you that's creating body language, conversation, or the person that you're talking with.
Speaker AListening shows that you think the other person is important and that what they say is important.
Speaker ABut your nonverbal clues can give them insight and into what you actually feel about what they're saying.
Speaker AAnd so you want to be aware of those signals that you're sending them.
Speaker ALike, does your body language say you're important to me, I want to hear what you're saying.
Speaker AOr does it say, hurry up, I've got other things to do?
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker ADo you have some.
Speaker AWhat are some things that you notice, dear, about non verbal, clear.
Speaker COne example just came to me is you ever been in a conversation with three or four people or just one person?
Speaker CMaybe it's at church in the four year one of your co workers at Work or somebody.
Speaker CAnd you start talking and all, and your guys are looking at each other, talking, and all of a sudden your person you're talking to keeps looking behind you, all around you.
Speaker CAnd then they, you could see they're, they're looking around.
Speaker CWhat type of signal does that send to you?
Speaker ADoes that say that you have full attention?
Speaker CFull attention.
Speaker CThat they're interested?
Speaker CMaybe they're looking for somebody.
Speaker CMaybe they're bored.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker CYou don't feel good when that happens?
Speaker ANo.
Speaker CAnd that's, that's why we need to focus if we're talking to somebody, looking at them in the eyes, looking at them and paying attention, maybe shaking your head a little bit every so often saying, yeah, I hear what you're saying, but that, just remember what it feels like when that's happened to you in the past, when somebody just keeps looking around because you don't feel important, like they're looking for somebody better.
Speaker CSo here's some other non verbal clues.
Speaker CIt could be the wife continuing to paint her nails when her husband's trying to talk to her about something.
Speaker CRolling the eyes.
Speaker CHave you ever rolled the eyes?
Speaker CStaring into space, counting ceiling tiles, tapping.
Speaker AYour fingers on the table, shrugging your shoulders, fiddling with your pencil, continuing to.
Speaker CPlay with your device.
Speaker AHere's a big one.
Speaker ALooking at your watch.
Speaker COh.
Speaker AIf someone is talking to you and you keep looking down at your watch, then you look back up at them.
Speaker AOh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker AWhat is that?
Speaker AWhat is, what kind of signal is that sending?
Speaker CThey're tired.
Speaker CThey're bored.
Speaker AYep.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker ASo.
Speaker AAnd they're, they're really not paying attention to what you're saying.
Speaker AThey really don't want to listen to you.
Speaker AYeah, right.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker CAnd, and I know we have a situation where Linda will be on her.
Speaker CShe's gotten a lot better at this.
Speaker CShe'll.
Speaker CI'll be trying to talk to her and she's on her phone just scrolling or looking at something, whether it's her calendar, I don't know what Amazon, whatever it is on there.
Speaker CAnd I'll say, let me know when you want to talk.
Speaker CAnd she'll go, I'm listening.
Speaker CI can do two things.
Speaker AMultitasking, you know, I'm good at multitasking.
Speaker CAnd I just say, go ahead.
Speaker ANo, I was just gonna.
Speaker AHere we are, interrupting each other.
Speaker AThat was okay, we being butt heads.
Speaker ASo I'm good at multitasking and I can do both, but that doesn't give me an excuse, right.
Speaker ATo not pay attention, Put my phone down and pay attention to what Greg is saying, you know, so within our own marriage, we got to really work at this, you know, and.
Speaker ABut you know, what I've learned to do is to say, let me get this.
Speaker AHang on just minute.
Speaker AI want to listen to what you're saying, but let me just finish this up.
Speaker AI gotta close this off because maybe I'm documenting when I took a certain medicine or, you know, something of that sort.
Speaker AAnd so I gotta get it in.
Speaker AI do everything in my phone.
Speaker AEverything but go to the bathroom in my phone.
Speaker AWell, I don't know.
Speaker AI take my phone to the bathroom.
Speaker ARight.
Speaker AWho else does that?
Speaker ADo you out there?
Speaker AAudience.
Speaker ADo you do that?
Speaker CLet's tight to everybody.
Speaker AOkay, well.
Speaker CBut that.
Speaker ASo go on.
Speaker CWhat she's saying though is anytime somebody has a chance to assume something that you're doing, say, hey, let me just finish.
Speaker CLet me close this page out.
Speaker CYes, I want to listen and then set your phone down or turn the TV off or get the DVR going or.
Speaker COr quit stirring vegetables and take them off the burner so you can go sit down.
Speaker CIf it's.
Speaker AYou know.
Speaker AThat's a good point.
Speaker ASo let me just interject.
Speaker AIf you're cooking and your spouse needs to talk to you about something, but you gotta take it off the burner if it's something that they desperately need.
Speaker CYes.
Speaker ASomething really undivided attention, you know, turn the burner off so nothing burns, whatever it might be.
Speaker CAnd as a husband and wife begin to.
Speaker CIf you know how y' all want to communicate, if you're wanting to have a conversation and you don't mind them being over there stirring the vegetables, or maybe they are finishing something in the computer and you know they're listening.
Speaker CAnd you guys.
Speaker CThat's an accepted thing for your particular type of communication, then that work, that's fine as long as you communicate and you guys get some guidelines.
Speaker CBut what you got to watch, if you do that for each other, don't get in a habit.
Speaker CSo all of a sudden you get with another relative or maybe your kids or co workers.
Speaker ATrue.
Speaker CWhere.
Speaker CHey, my husband doesn't mind if I'm clicking away or scrolling.
Speaker CBut they might.
Speaker AThat's.
Speaker CSo these are not very good point.
Speaker CThese are just not tips for you.
Speaker CIt's also for.
Speaker CWith your kids.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker CYour parents, maybe brothers and sisters, co workers, people at church.
Speaker CThese are these.
Speaker CThese work everywhere, so be aware of the signals that you're sending.
Speaker CLet's close up with this right here.
Speaker AOkay, so Ephesians 4, verse 39 through 42.
Speaker CNow this is a good, this is a good scripture Linda's going to read.
Speaker CComing back to being skillful.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker AIt helps develop those skill learning muscles, the communication muscles.
Speaker ARight.
Speaker CThat's got to work them.
Speaker AYep.
Speaker ALet no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment that it may give grace to those who hear.
Speaker ALet all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor be put away from you along with all malice.
Speaker AAnd be kind to one another.
Speaker AJust be kind.
Speaker AThat's my explanation.
Speaker ASimple, tender hearted, forgiving each other.
Speaker AJust as God in Christ has forgiven you, you know, so build those communication muscles.
Speaker CAnd a key part right here is according to the need of the moment.
Speaker AAnd you know, we.
Speaker AI like to take this scripture and apply it to me like put it in the I person form, like let no unwholesome word proceed.
Speaker AHelp me, Holy Spirit.
Speaker ALet no unwholesome word proceed from my mouth, but only that which is a word that's good for edification according to the need of the moment that it may give grace to Greg.
Speaker AThat's how I'd like to say it a lot of times.
Speaker CYeah.
Speaker AAnd, and going on down the scripture, just apply it and make it a confession for me.
Speaker CYeah, that's right.
Speaker AThat's good.
Speaker CSo ask God, say God, help me, especially if you know you got some weaknesses.
Speaker CSay God, help me to be a better communicator.
Speaker CHelp me know what to say to my husband or wife at this time or this time or if we're having this type of conversation.
Speaker CHelp me to control my emotions, help me to control my reactions, help me to respond.
Speaker CBegin.
Speaker CGet the God factor coming in and helping you.
Speaker CBecause you know what?
Speaker CAs you work on your unity, as you do your part to be an expert communicator, your spouse eventually will catch on if they're a little slower because maybe they're just being stubborn.
Speaker CBut as you both get this down and practice and practice, God said for you as a married couple, you're speaking the same language.
Speaker CNothing will be impossible for you.
Speaker CBecause you know what?
Speaker CYou guys got goals and dreams that you want to accomplish together for your kids or when they get older, for your grandkids.
Speaker CYou've got some things you want to accomplish as a couple.
Speaker CMaybe it's a business, maybe ministry, or you just want to be enjoying life and all these things.
Speaker CThe enemy is going to come in to try to stop you and he's going to do part of it by your communication.
Speaker CSo remember as you're doing this, you are guys are going to be able to fulfill your goals, dreams and purposes in an easier way.
Speaker CBecause God has a future for hope and a hope for you.
Speaker CAnd it's going to come as you guys get unified and perfect your communication.
Speaker AThat sounds great.
Speaker AYep.
Speaker ASo here's some honeydews.
Speaker AAsk yourself 1.
Speaker AOne honeydew.
Speaker AAsk yourself, do you have a habit of butting in?
Speaker ABecause the first thing is you got to recognize it should.
Speaker CMaybe they asked their spouse.
Speaker AOh, yeah, you could do that.
Speaker AYeah, yeah.
Speaker CThat's communicating.
Speaker AThat's communicating.
Speaker ASo do you have a habit of butting in or interrupting your spouse when they're talking?
Speaker AAnd then like Greg said, add on to that tag, you're it.
Speaker AAm I doing this or not?
Speaker CThat's a good thing though.
Speaker CI mean, you could ask yourself.
Speaker ATrue.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker CGet brave, step out of the comfort zone.
Speaker AThat is definitely practice.
Speaker AYep.
Speaker AThat's going to take courage to move.
Speaker COn with that and use I statements when you do it.
Speaker ADo I do that?
Speaker ANo, no, I wasn't asking you.
Speaker ASo another number two honeydew is pay attention to your body language and how you may need to improve the signals that you are sending.
Speaker AThose non verbal signals.
Speaker APay attention to that.
Speaker CYes.
Speaker ASo they.
Speaker AThis is just a few things you can do.
Speaker AA couple things you can do between now and our next podcast.
Speaker AAnd what's the other one, dear?
Speaker AYou know what, this is the next honeydew.
Speaker AYou guys is gonna be medicine like candy to your soul.
Speaker ATell me, what is it, dear?
Speaker CWell, it's using your lips.
Speaker CJust like talking.
Speaker CYeah, that's part of communication if you're doing number one.
Speaker CAnd number two, this may even go over better.
Speaker CBut it's the ten second kiss.
Speaker AThere you go.
Speaker CUse your body language, but tell you what is communicate and kiss.
Speaker CSo what you need to do is say, hey, Siri, set my timer for 10 seconds and grab your spouse.
Speaker CMaybe you just had a little argument, maybe it went well and you guys are celebrating.
Speaker CBut say, hey, Siri, set my timer for 10 seconds, pull your spouse over to you and give them a good old kiss.
Speaker CAnd it can be whatever type of kiss you want to give them and enjoy it.
Speaker CAnd then when it's over, if you want to keep going, going, but do at least 10 seconds, it can change the atmosphere of your day.
Speaker CIf you do it in the morning, it can send good feelings when you're going out the door.
Speaker CBelieve me, that is better than walking out the door and you've had an argument and you go out the house steaming.
Speaker AAnd a lot of times if you're in the midst and on the verge of a heated discussion and you just take that little timeout break and do the 10 second kiss, it'll defuse the whole heated discussion.
Speaker CThat's right.
Speaker CYeah, that's it.
Speaker CSo do the 10 second kiss.
Speaker CPractice it.
Speaker CNow, feel free to leave any comments or questions that you have.
Speaker CYou can go to the Show Notes and you can get into our email there.
Speaker CYou can contact us.
Speaker CThere's a place to sign up for our email newsletter.
Speaker CYou can go on our website and leave information.
Speaker BIf you've got a comment or a.
Speaker CPrayer request or a topic that you would like for us to share on a podcast, just send us an email there and we'll be glad to look at that and see what we can do or get back with you.
Speaker AOkay, sounds great.
Speaker CAlso, we have a phone line that you can call and leave a message on.
Speaker AYes.
Speaker AAnd it's on the website.
Speaker CYes.
Speaker ANow, I hope you've been inspired, y'.
Speaker AAll.
Speaker AI know I have and I.
Speaker AAnd I got some homework to do.
Speaker CAll right.
Speaker ABut let me also say that I think Greg mentioned that if you know somebody that would benefit from these podcasts, we'll pass the word along to them, let them know that this is good, valuable information for them.
Speaker BShare this.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker AShare it with your family.
Speaker AYour.
Speaker AYeah.
Speaker AShare it with your friends.
Speaker APass the word along.
Speaker AAnd you know, they can be single because everybody, you know, there's a lot of people that if they're, they're not yet married but believing to get married, they can benefit from this podcast.
Speaker CYes.
Speaker ASo we're going to see you next week.
Speaker AAnd until then, remember this, you can be married and love it on purpose.
Speaker BThank you for investing into your marriage by listening to the Married and Love it podcast.
Speaker BBe sure to be a part of the ripple effect of making marriage great by sharing this podcast with other couples to equip them to be married and love it.
Speaker BAlso, subscribe to and follow us on your favorite platform and be sure to check out our website at www.marriedandlovet.com, where you can learn more about Married and Lovett and contact us with any questions or comments that you may have.
Speaker BAnd remember with God that you have a future and a hope and you can be married in Lovett on purpose.