EP 30. Communcation, The Lifeline of Your Marriage PT 2; From the Lovers Dozen Series PT 12

Welcome to the Married and Love it podcast.

We are Greg and Linda Smith, your hosts from Raleigh, North Carolina.

It's great that you are taking time to invest into your marriage by listening to our weekly podcast.

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See it as freshening up your marriage, preventive maintenance, a marriage tune up or fan in the flames of romance, love, and well, you can even call it continuing education.

We will be covering everything that has to do with your marriage including hot topics like sex, communication, love and much, much more.

Our teachings are based on Christian principles plus over 47 years of marriage and ministry experience.

We want to help you make your marriage great by teaching you how to be married and love it.

It is an honor and privilege to have you join us.

Hey, thanks for joining us today to get Weekly Dose of Married and Love it your booster shot for the week.

On Today's episode, episode 30, we are continuing with the Lover's Dozen.

It's 13 principles that we applied in our marriage to bring restoration and healing after we almost separated back in 1986.

Well now we have been married 47 plus years to each other.

That's right.

And it gets better and better.

And we're still applying these principles.

They work, but we have had to have been intentional and apply them on purpose.

So this series began back in episode 19.

Let me encourage you to go back and listen to them if you haven't already.

One of the main topics that couples have problems with is what, dear?

Communication.

Communication.

Communicating with one another.

So that's what we're going to be continuing with from episode 29.

Plus we're also possibly going to be able to talk about chilling out together today too.

Yeah, our whole goal with this Lovers Dozen is to do higher level discussions on the different principles that we applied in our marriage as we got back together and through the years.

And because a lot of the topics could take a whole book almost and communications one of them.

So our goal has been to share a few nuggets with that.

But now we've rolled over to a second episode just kind of on the basic nuggets.

So today we're hoping we'll get that done and can get into the chilling out.

If not, next time we'll bring that carrot.

We'll just carry it over because there's so much good stuff with communication.

It's so vital because that.

And that's why the devil comes in to try to stop it.

And we're trying to teach and how we can stop the enemy from messing up our our communication so we can be married and love it.

And our communication is causing blessings to come and not cursings literally.

You could take that two different ways.

That is true.

That is true.

So.

But before we get into that, I just want to remind you, after you've listened to this podcast episode, take moment to subscribe so you'll be notified when another new episode.

New episode comes up and or follow and then share this.

You can share it straight from the podcast app that you're in or just when you're out and about talking to people, say, hey, I listen to this podcast that's really helping my marriage or strengthening our marriage or opening my eyes to some things.

And I just encourage you as you're getting married or you're already married and tell your friends about it and have a ripple effect.

Yeah.

Impact other people's lives.

Just reminding you, maybe it's things you already know to do, but you haven't been doing them.

And it's just a little gentle reminder that you can be excelling still more in your marriage relationship.

That's right.

So be a blessing to somebody.

And then what Something we're excited about.

We are starting our newsletter.

We're getting it ready to go in the next maybe two or three weeks.

That's our goal.

And if you're interested in receiving the newsletter through your email, we are going to be putting that out.

So what you need to do is when you're done listening, look in the show notes.

And it's going to be a little heading in there.

It says sign up for newsletter and all you do is click on that link and it's going to take you to a page.

And all you got to do is put your information and send it and then you automatically be added to our newsletter list.

So we look forward to being able to.

To minister to you in that avenue also.

So now let's move on into communication.

We're going to continue that.

So if you didn't hear episode 29, when you're done with this one, go back to 29 so you can get more of the introduction to communication and some nuggets we shared there.

And so today we're going to get into some new stuff.

Lynn, do you want to share the.

Well, I just want to talk about the definition, Right.

A little bit of review.

Yeah, just a little.

The sharing of information, sharing your feelings, your ideas, talking about each other's calendars, your dreams, your events that are going on around you in Your world hurts you might be experiencing or have experienced.

Maybe there's some frustrations that you're having.

Maybe there's been a little bit of conflict, things like that.

That's the definition of communication.

Now, here's some food for thought ideas on what topics of communication.

Should I interrupt there real quick?

Yeah, I think we brought this up.

Brought this up last time.

But a lot of times you hear people say we don't communicate or communication's a big problem in our marriage.

Well, communication, as this definition shows, covers so many things.

Somebody may be having a problem communicating what the weekly schedule is, and other people can't communicate without having World War iii.

It's the whole spectrum.

And that's why this definition kind of comes into it.

And then we learn how to communicate properly.

Right.

There you go.

Well, a lot of people just haven't been educated on how to properly communicate.

Yeah.

So that's something to keep in mind as well.

Now we're some of the ideas of communication, like Greg said, as maybe victories you've had throughout the week or defeats.

Maybe there's household projects going on or things about that are going on with your kids or maybe your grandkids, goals and dreams.

Things going on at your church, what you're learning.

Extended family issues that might be happening around you.

Work.

What's going on at work.

Your budget.

Oh, yeah, money.

Unresolved issues.

There might be some health issues that are going on that you need to communicate with your spouse.

How about this one?

Sex.

Yeah, that's a biggie.

Yep, that's a biggie to talk about.

Hobbies, interests, challenges you might be facing within the family or personally discussing your own marriage, relationship with each other.

Oh, boy.

How about this one?

Pets.

There.

There's some communication that goes on around our pets that we have in our home.

All these areas and more requirements, communication and discussions.

If not, then you're going to end up being frustrated.

You're going to be disappointment, bitterness may develop out of it all.

And also the roommate syndrome could develop like you're kind of just coexisting with each other.

We don't want that to happen.

Yeah, communication just covers so many areas.

So you can never say, I don't have nothing to talk about.

Wow.

Just put your phone down and there's lots of things to talk about.

You just got to stimulate the mind.

But there's a lot of stuff to talk about.

But then in a little bit in this one and then in the future episodes we're going to do, we'll talk about how to talk about these things, and you still come out being friends and lovers.

Yes.

Now, communication takes two.

It takes a talker and a listener.

It's nice when it's face to face.

And the biggest part is being heart to heart.

Or if you're talking about calendars, I would say brain to brain.

Bring your thinker.

Yes.

Put on your thinking cap.

Right.

Because that's all numbers.

Are you talking about the budget?

The.

Okay, gotcha.

Yeah, yeah.

Now we're going to get into some practical.

So you got to be a talker and a listener.

So let's look at talking first.

That means you got to talk.

That means you gotta sometimes be the talker.

And when you talk about all these different things.

Now, I will say this.

It's hard to beat the talker when the person you're trying to talk to gets mad and they walks out.

They walk out of the room for 30 minutes.

That does happen.

So it's hard to be talking.

Otherwise you might be talking to yourself.

But we'll talk about the listener in a few minutes now.

Yeah.

What is it that.

Talk to the hand.

Yeah.

Some people have said, yeah, just talk to the hand.

Yeah.

Right.

They don't want to hear something that's not the way.

Communication.

We don't want to do that.

Now, important part of communication, these are just a little nuggets on being the talker is the tone of voice.

That's important.

Right.

How is your tone?

Is it welcoming?

Is it judgmental?

Are you coming off hard or harsh?

I know one of my situations I've had to deal with in this area is tone.

Because a lot of times I can get passionate about something we're talking about, and it can come off like my tone is off, but I'm just like, you're being mean.

Or that's not at all what the.

The tone is implying.

Right.

But, you know, we can say, stop it.

Or what's another good one?

Oh, I will remind you.

I'll say, quit toning me.

Right.

And you're like, huh?

And I don't even realize I'm doing it.

Yeah.

Because I've got a habit of always talking like that.

But I realize it, that that's the way my family was.

My dad was like that.

He would have a tone a lot of times in the way he would talk.

And then I've noticed even our kids sometimes have toning.

So it comes.

We learn it, and then it's hard to break a habit.

So I always have to be aware of.

Linda says it, and sometimes I know I wasn't toning, I was just passionate, so.

But we have to not take them, take make an argument out of it.

But the tone of our voice.

So work on that.

And then in a successful marriage, the hearts and feelings need to be openly shared.

As a husband, as a wife, we got to learn to begin to open up.

And I know from the past, your past histories or even with your spouse, you've been offended, they've ridiculed you, or maybe your family, when you grew up, didn't talk much.

But we've got to come to the point where we, we open up and share our true heart and our true feelings so that the other person knows where we stand.

And then it's up to them to properly respond to that.

But if you're hiding things, you're actually putting your listener partner in a position to fail because they can't respond properly.

They don't know what you're thinking.

So share your heart, read their mind.

They can't read your mind.

And you got to be honest with your feelings.

You don't want to pay.

Paint one picture like, oh, you're over here thinking like this, but in reality you're going to be over here because sooner or later what's in your heart will come out and it's going to shock or set your spouse back, and that's going to cause conflict.

So do that.

Remember Rocky?

In the original Rocky movie, he went to Adrian.

That's what it was.

That's it.

And he was getting ready to fight the big fight.

And he came into the room and said, adrian, I'm scared.

Because it can be hard for men to share sometimes.

And we're going to get into that in just a minute.

But he had to share those feelings.

There's been a times through the years when I've had something really on me.

And one time we were going through some financial situations a while back, and now I was just getting really concerned about and it was bugging me and other decisions that were made.

And I just had to tell Linda on the having to deal with this.

I'm.

I'm scared or I'm concerned.

I'm just don't know what to do.

And so she sat down and listened to me and we prayed about it and stuff, but she didn't come back and say, you ding bat, use your faith and speak the word, but come off.

I mean, those are good principles, but she didn't condemn me like, you little wimp.

How come you can't do this or do that?

No she sat there and listened and then we prayed about it and probably hugged and we went on about our business.

But share your feelings.

See, feelings are neither right or wrong.

My sister in law taught me this years ago and I know it's, people talk about it, but feelings are not right or wrong.

Lynn, Linda, would, you know if somebody shares feel their feelings with you and you go, well that's stupid.

Why do you feel that way?

You know what that's going to do?

That's going to shut them down.

It's going to shut them down totally.

They're going to say forget you buddy, I'm not going to share anything with you if you're going to treat me.

Like that, not a glutton for punishment.

You know, and, and I'm going to go back to, I can't remember the episode numbers.

We'll see if we can find them.

But there's 10 principles to a better you and it talks about being open and vulnerable and how to communicate with your spouse in those areas properly and how you need to be sharing these things.

And that's.

Those are good episodes.

We'll put them in the notes.

Anyway, feelings are, feelings are neither right nor or wrong.

You try to understand them, you can validate them, but you don't judge them and you don't criticize your spouse when they share those feelings.

And then as I kind of brought up about Rocky, real men want to share their feelings.

Sometimes they don't know how to or they feel like they're going to be ridiculed.

Some husbands were raised in a home where men do not share, they do not cry and they got to be man.

But you know what?

A real man will open up to the right woman and share his feelings.

They got to know that they can trust their wife was sharing their feelings, that they can, they can hand their heart over to her.

Yeah.

And she's not going to mutilate it.

Right.

You know, so women take heed.

Hear that when your husband shares his feelings, number one, don't use it as ammunition against him.

Right from the past like well you should have.

You ought do.

You could, yada yada.

Don't do that.

But do always tell him that you appreciate the fact that he opened up with you and shared his feelings.

Another thing is once he does share his feelings, don't overwhelm him and pressure him to share more than he wants to.

Maybe he hasn't shared everything and you think, I know there's a whole lot more to this story.

Well, don't pressure him with demands for him to open up even more.

Just let him share his feelings to the amount and to the degree that he's comfortable with.

Yeah.

You know, a husband and wife, that's the ultimate team that God put together.

When you guys said your vows together, when you're holding hands, you know you're bowing to be there for one another.

And as time goes on, those vows can loosen up a little bit or life hits us and we begin to harden our hearts and stuff.

But a husband and wife, whether you've been married for 30 minutes or 50 years, God's put you there to be by the side of each other, to hold hands and get through anything together.

But communications, what it is.

And that's why both of you have to be able to share without being ridiculed what's going on in your heart.

Right.

What desires, what goals and dreams you have.

Remember this, women too, that it's a lot easier for women to share because we're relational minded, you know, so communication for us is way easier than most men.

And we require verbal attention.

That's a major need for us.

So men remember that about women.

Yeah.

So.

Oh, also, I wanted to just mention this, that most women will fall in love with a man who's going to set aside time to make verbal communication with them.

And they stay in love though, with the man who continues to meet those needs.

So that is a little bug I'm going to put in, little seed I'm going to put in your ear.

Men, they fall in love with you when you're verbally communicating with them, but they're going to stay in love when you continue to communicate with them.

That's why you hear the stories in the past I haven't heard in a while, but you always hear.

My husband never tells me that he loves me and the man to come, I told you we married when we got married that I love you.

That ought to be I told you.

On Valentine's Day I love you or I told you last week.

You know what?

A lot of people like to hear it multiple times a day or once.

At least women do, but they like to hear that otherwise, you know, just saying, why I go to work every day for 40 hours or I clean the house every day.

That's not what people need to hear.

They need to hear it.

Yes, they like to have the things and see the things, but they need to hear it.

I'm going to share a little article here about the importance of letting your spouse know how you feel.

Here's the article it's called does she know how you really feel?

Thomas Carlisle was a.

Was perceived as a tough, blunt, and unfeeling man.

But underneath that facade was a man who saw himself as affectionate and loving.

He dearly loved his wife, but never.

But he was never able to express that love to her convincingly.

He simply traveled through his marriage, assuming she knew what was going on in his heart.

His biographer says that when Carlisle's wife died, he became distraught.

He became obsessed with trying to find out whether she knew how much he had loved her.

He found her diaries and started reading them, hoping he'd find comments about their relationship.

He was horrified when he discovered she hadn't the slightest sense of his feelings for her.

She died believing she was totally unloved.

In fact, the only comments he did find about their relationship centered on her resentment of his temper.

The discovery almost killed him, and he lived his life wishing his wife could return for just five minutes so he could pour out his love to her.

Now, this is an extreme story, but is it really extreme in some marriages?

That's sad.

It is sad that a wife or husband doesn't really know how much they love they're loved because they can't just say, I love you, even if they're demonstrating, we need to talk.

We need to express our feelings and such.

Do you have anything on this area?

No.

All right, well, let's move on to the next one.

Being a listener, listening, that's a major part of communication, and that's probably where my downfall is, because so much of the time when Greg is sharing something with me, my brain is already moving ahead, trying to answer what he's saying or trying to come up with a solution or something.

But, you know, listening, that's an art.

But it's an art that can be learned.

Say that again.

It's an art, and it can be learned.

It's a skilled art that can be learned.

All these communication things can be learned.

Whether you're having a tone, it may take, like, me a little long.

Gotta work a bit.

It.

It can be learned.

So there's no excuses here.

Doesn't matter if your mama hollered at you and slapped you upside the head.

Right?

That matter.

You can learn.

And now there is a difference between listening and hearing.

Yes.

I mean, there's a big difference.

You know, hearing does not require focusing.

It doesn't require any effort, and it does not require any kind of concentration.

However, listening, on the other hand, requires your brain to click in and get involved.

Requires your heart to get Involved along with your ears.

Yeah.

So there's a technique.

Here's where the problem is.

Uh huh.

Unlike simply hearing, listening does take concentration, effort and focus.

So you gotta be on purpose.

It's gotta be on purpose, intentional.

So in order to listen effectively, you have to, number one, eliminate distractions, stop talking, stop fidgeting and stop thinking about other things.

Now listening correctly means that you stop thinking about your response like what I said earlier, and concentrate instead on understanding what your spouse is saying and feeling.

So don't, don't just try to fix things.

Don't be thinking in your mind, oh, I know how to fix that or I'm going to suggest this or whatever.

Just listen, just be there and just listen.

You, you know what your body language is going to give you way about how much attention you are spending.

You know your body language is going to reveal the attention you're given to the person talking.

Are you looking at them in the eye?

Are you shifting in your seat and moving around and you know, just kind of being shifty and all that.

Well, that tells the other person you're not really listening, you're just getting antsy.

Don't do that, don't do that.

Does your body language say hurry up, I got other things to do.

That would be like tapping on the table or clicking a pen or you know, that gives signals, you know, maybe looking at your watch or maybe looking at a clock on the wall or you know, something of that sort.

Or does it say, what is your body language saying?

I want to hear what you're saying.

I want to hear what you're saying.

Now here's an article I would like to read from Ann Landers.

It's about a lady had written in.

Now Ann Landers is a newspaper person that people would write into years and years and years ago asking for advice.

So this is where this, this is a true story right here.

This lady wrote and she said, dear Inlanders, my heart is going to break if I don't tell someone how I feel.

The person who needs to be told is my husband and I've tried but it doesn't help.

Maybe he'll read this in your column and understand.

Last December, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

So far I've been able to handle my anxiety and despair.

However, I recently attended a seminar sponsored by the local chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

And after seeing the unfortunate condition of so many of the people there, I became overwhelmed and broke down.

All I could think of was getting home.

So my husband could comfort me until I was able to pull myself together.

When I arrived home, I asked him to hold me and I wept in his arms.

The whole time I was talking, he had one eye on the tv.

Apparently I had come home with my emotional neediness and and interrupted a show he was watching.

As his TV program continued and I kept talking quietly, he would glance at me and then back at the screen.

I could tell he wished I would be quiet so he could give his full attention to the show.

This brings me to tears.

Yeah, it's so sad.

He might as well have slapped me in the face.

That just shows what is happening out there, you know.

How are we listening when our spouse is needing us to listen to them?

Yeah.

So if we're truly listening to our spouse, what we are saying and communicating to them is, I really want to hear what you're saying.

The feelings you are sharing are very important to me.

I enjoy hearing your point of view.

I value your opinion and more.

So we see here we need to be a talker and you need to be a listener.

You can't do both at once.

You may go back and forth like a volleyball thing.

You go back here, back here, ping pong or something.

That's what you're doing.

You're following a lot of times.

And that pace of the volley when they're playing ping pong can get real fast.

And maybe your conversation gets fast, but then it may slow back down, but you're not trying to spike the ball and get a point in.

That's going to really knock the person out.

It's just good communication.

So be a talker.

And we're going to talk more in the future about how to talk.

And actually I got a little nugget we're going to share in a minute on that.

But also being a good listener, now we need to move on.

As we begin to close up, the next point we want to bring out is you must make time for communication.

You must make time to reconnect, because communication is vital.

If you're not communicating, you can be a great communicator, but if you never communicate, you're a bad communicator.

Ephesians 5:16.

We're not going to read the whole scripture, but it says, basically says, make the most of your time.

So what that means is God gives you so much time, you're gonna need to take time to communicate because it's vital.

What about an.

In any organization, it's got a team manager, boss, CEO, they always have a staff, different groups of People that work with them, what are a lot of them do?

Once a week, maybe on the first day of the week, or maybe it's a monthly.

They have a staff meeting.

Well, you see, your marriage is an organization.

You and your wife are working or husband are working together with this marriage organization, Smith.

Like us, Smith Family Incorporated.

Right here.

We have to have a team meeting.

Yeah.

Where we sit down.

And sometimes it's casual, sometimes it's one that's geared for talking about the calendar, the scheduling.

Maybe it's what's going on with the pet.

Maybe it's in law.

Whatever it is, you gotta set time aside to do that.

Really.

It's ideal.

When you do that daily.

Yeah.

We recommend about 15 to 20 minutes of reconnecting with each other on a daily basis.

Yeah.

Now, let me get this in there real quick.

Episode seven and eight, we talk about balancing your busy life.

And a lot of times people say, well, we can't do this.

You.

You know why Their life is out of balance.

Right.

You have to be intentional, scattered.

See, you've got to make your communicating on purpose.

You got to be intentional on it because you're going to be in trouble if you don't.

And now sometimes you can have spontaneous.

We're talking about setting time aside.

But sometimes if you get a moment, nothing's going on, and you let guys start to share something.

Go ahead and share.

Open up.

You don't have to have this written down in your daytime or on your phone calendar.

If you got a moment, man, just share what's on your heart.

Yeah.

And take that time to make it special.

Okay, go ahead, Linda.

We thought you were going to.

Well, just that we recommend about 20, 15, 20 minutes on a daily basis.

But that's real good, dear.

About the spontaneous, you know, reconnecting that way couples should have that undistracted time to communicate with each other on a daily basis.

A lot of you may already be doing that, so that's great.

And what you probably experience when you do, you notice in your marriage that it creates unity, a oneness and.

Yes.

And actually an intimacy in.

Into your marriage.

It creates a bonding and it helps the couple to reconnect on all sides.

You know, I think there's a safety in it.

Yeah.

You know, I think that.

That it just helps the other person know that they have a safety net almost when they sit down together or go for a walk.

A walk and talk.

Maybe just sit outside, have a cup of coffee.

You know, when you said a safety net.

Yeah.

Your spouse needs to know when y' all sit down together that they're not going to get, like Linda brought up earlier, that there is safety there, that they can share what's going on at work, what they did, how they feel, and they're not going to get lamb blasted.

Yeah.

And they're going to get listened to.

You guys are a team.

Yeah.

And you.

It takes a while sometimes for especially y' all been not married a long time.

You got all the good feelings when you first get married.

Oh, yeah.

We talk and we talk all the time.

But as time goes by, you begin to drift.

So keep that teamwork in a flow that it.

As Linda said, it's a safe space and your communication will run over all of the other areas of your life.

Yeah, it does.

So, you know, those are just some ideas.

And we're going to go more in depth on all of this communication thing in a other episode.

Yeah.

Go deep dive with it.

And so if you need to get out of the house.

Get out of the house, go for a walk together, go to a park, go out to eat, escape for a night, do that.

Share time to share the events.

Yes.

So now I think you get the drift on this.

You need to talk about everything, be spontaneous, set up times and do all that now.

You need to choose your timing.

Timing is everything.

When you're.

When you're overtired or you're hungry, maybe you've gotten angry over a situation and you're wiped out with the.

It's been overwhelming.

That may not be such a good time to sit down and communicate.

You might just say, there's something I need to share, but can we set it back?

Set aside a little bit of time to communicate about this situation?

You know, timing is everything.

So pay attention to your timing and realize when you go to bed at night, everybody's tired, and all of a sudden you want to talk about something.

Not good.

Timing, really, you know, on the timing part is super important.

I remember, and y' all may, if you've listened some of the previous episode.

I shared about a time me and Linda went away for the weekend.

And it was like a fancy hotel, was going to be romantic evening, and we went downstairs at the hotel to eat.

And I'm thinking, oh, we're going to talk about what's going to happen in the hotel room later.

And Linda goes, greg, we need to talk now.

That didn't create a lot of warm fuzzy that now.

No, it didn't.

I knew what she meant by that.

Her.

The look on her eyes were it was not a look of anticipation.

Baby, here's what's going to happen.

But we need to talk now.

You could say, well, that wasn't good timing.

That's because that's what I thought.

Yes.

But you know what?

For her, and after we talked, it was time we were away from the house, we were away from the kids.

This, these things were issues she wanted to talk about.

Really wasn't anything major, but just the fact that when they.

Women say we need to talk, everything's major to a guy.

And.

But in the long run, I had to be sensitive and be mature because this was a good time for her.

And really it was a good time for us because we were away from everything.

And then we had time to talk.

And then we went ahead and had our whole weekend.

Right.

So this is something I was going to bring up earlier.

Sometimes we have to put on our big boy pants and our big girl pants.

We need to learn how to be mature and talk like adults.

Yeah.

And that means we have our emotions under control.

It isn't easy.

Nobody's perfect.

We're all going to screw up.

But you know what?

We know how to change it.

Say, I'm sorry.

Kiss and make up and move on.

So.

Well, you know what if something is really, really, really, really urgent and it needs immediate attention and so ask your spouse, is this a good time?

I really.

This is very, very important.

Ask your spouse, can we talk now?

Is this a good time?

Do you mind if we just pause a minute and let them know how very important it is?

That's a form of communication right there.

Is just saying, you know what?

This is so important right now.

Let's just take a moment and if for some reason your spouse wants to talk and it is not, say, yes, I want to talk, but just give me a minute.

You know, give me a minute to finish.

What.

Maybe you're involved in a project or you know, something like you can't take a moment to sit down right then and there, but say, give me a minute so I can get.

So you can have my full attention.

Yes.

You know, that's good to communicate.

So now we've.

We've covered the importance of communication and then salman.

Reconnecting with each other.

And like I said, in future episodes, we're going to get into the guidelines and tips for communication and a lot of the how to's.

But right now.

I'm gonna.

What do you want to talk about?

I'm gonna.

We're gonna close this communication part with this.

We talk about in previous episodes about putting on love.

You make a decision to.

To walk in love.

Make a decision like a coat.

You put on love.

But I want to add another term in there.

So when you have those discussions begin to get heated, or there could be friction or strife.

In other words, you're not talking about warm fuzzies.

Have the attitude, yes, I need to put on love.

But also a term that was used a lot in the 60s and the 70s when the Vietnam war was going on and there was stuff going on, people would say, make love, not war.

They had signs and everything up.

Make love, not war.

Well, when you sense yourself getting agitated or your spouse is getting agitated, or you've said words that aren't good, or you're tempted to say words that aren't good, like in a.

Like in proverbs.

I'm just going to do this 1 scripture, Proverbs 15:1.

It says, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

So when you feel that harsh word.

Coming up or that zinger like, I gotta get in here, put on love.

But have that thought come in and say, all right, Greg said, make love, not war.

War.

So making love, we're not talking about going and having sex.

Well, it could lead to that.

But make love, put on love, make love, and then say not war.

Because what happens when we say something wrong?

We criticize, we judge.

You could say you're making war.

So begin to get a little word.

And when you feel the temperature and the conversation going up, go.

The word says, put on love.

In other words, make love, not war.

Because a gentle answer turns away raft.

So we'll end on the communication on this.

We're not going to get to chill out on this one.

So next episode 31, we'll begin to talk about chilling out with each other.

Well, we have a couple little honeydews that we can add to this on.

And just ask yourself these questions.

How can I improve my communication with my spouse?

How can I improve my listening.

Yes.

With my spouse.

So that that right there encompasses a whole lot.

Right, right, right.

All right.

The other honeydew.

Yes.

10 second kiss.

Oh, yes, we're not gonna miss that one.

No, no.

10 second kiss.

Set your timer for 10 seconds.

Grab ahold of your spouse and plant a good one on them.

You know, that's good homework.

But you know what?

If you're in the middle of an argument.

Yeah, that's gonna be.

You can go.

No, no, no, you can.

Mine goes, make love, not war.

You know what?

You can do.

Yeah.

Go over to your spouse and just lay a big one on them.

And that's gonna diffuse.

Yeah, that'll diffuse the bomb.

I mean, sometimes you do something to startle people.

I know I watch some of the SWAT programs and some of the police ones and they have a flash bomb they throw in a room and it explodes.

Explodes.

Makes a loud noise and it just wipes everybody out.

Well, if you do something drastic like.

Your 10 second kiss, just give your.

Spouse a big kiss and then y' all, maybe y' all a laugh and it kind of diffuses things.

That's right.

But you can rehearse that by doing your 10 second kiss on a regular basis.

That's right.

Right.

Doesn't have to just be in the morning when you're going out the door.

It can be anytime.

Spontaneous.

Yes.

Right.

That's right.

Well, again, thanks for joining us and we hope that you've gotten encouraged and to take the time during your day to talk to each other, communicate, and take time to listen to each other.

So we're going to see you next week.

And oh, oh, remember this, you can be married and love it on purpose.

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And remember with God that you have a future and a hope and you can be married and love it on purpose.