EP 29. Communcation, The Lifeline of Your Marriage; From the Lovers Dozen Series PT 11

Welcome to the Married and Love it podcast. We are Greg and Linda Smith, your host from Raleigh, North Carolina.It is great that you are taking time to invest into your marriage by listening to our weekly podcast. The goal of our podcast is to provide you with a weekly dose of marriage teaching to help you keep focused on your marriage.See it as a freshening up of your marriage, preventive maintenance, a marriage tune up, or fanning the flames of romance, love and passion. You could even call it continuing education.We will be covering everything that has to do with your marriage, including hot topics like sex, communication, love and much, much more. Our teachings are based on Christian principles plus over 47 years of marriage to each other and ministry experience.We want to help you make your marriage great by teaching you how to be married and loving. It is an honor and privilege to have you join us.

I'm glad you're with us today to get your weekly dose of Married and Love it. Your booster shot for the week.On today's episode, we're continuing the Lover's Dozen series, which is 13 principles we've applied since our marriage was restored after a near separation back in 1996. And you know what? We're still applying them and we now are 47 plus years of being married and love it. But you know what, it takes being on purpose.It's got to be intentional, right?Well, this series that we're continuing began with episode 19, so let me encourage you to go back and listen to them if you haven't already heard them. Also, we're going to be covering one of the main topics that couples have problems with is communication.Communication is a subject that seems to always come up whenever we're coaching people or counseling. Doesn't it, dear?

Yep.

Yeah.

So we're going to do a good start on communication on this episode today.

Well, tell me about how we started some of our communication when we got back together back in 86.

Our the first thing that we really got broke in on when we started restoring our marriage was communication. And what happened is when Linda had said we're gonna she wanted to separate and I just started thinking we need to go somewhere.So back then there wasn't a whole lot of marriage stuff going on. I called up this thing called with the Catholic Church called Marriage Encounter Weekend.

I said, and you know what? They still have them.

They still have them.

I just found out.

Yeah, they still have them. So I told talked to the lady, she said, hey, we got one coming up. I said that's perfect. That's good timing because I needed it yesterday.And the lady did say, now, these aren't for couples that are really having a hard time maybe looking at divorce or just separation. This is not a good time. Said, oh, no problem. That's not us. I wanted to go to that thing.So Linda came back and that's when God put everything back together. And we, we decided, okay, we're going to do this, get this thing worked out. And she decided to stay.So I remember we went to this weekend, didn't know what to expect. I know when we pulled up, they came out, we were staying at some type of little hotel that the, the church had. And they pulled.We pulled up and they got our bags out of the car. They took us to our room, and the rooms were decorated and had a little fruit basket and some candy and hearts and stuff all over.

Then they, I mean, it was a royal tour.

They took us to a greeting, little get to know everybody where they had wine and, and cheese and crackers. So it kind of blew me away. But say, hey, it looked good, but what? Get on to the meeting.But we got in there and they would do a little teaching and then they would separate us somewhat and then even go back to our rooms. But we had to write. We had to write about what we were feeling, what concerned us. I mean, I can't remember everything.We still got the notebooks, dear, and we're going to have to get them out, see how we're doing. But all we did almost all weekend was listen some to the teachers, go back, learn. I mean, we would go back and they would.We would have to write, answer questions, and we ride. And I never written so much and I had never shared that much and opened up my heart to Linda. Then, I mean, that weekend we were communicating.So I would have to say that was the kickoff to us getting back together, is the communication got started that weekend and it really changed both of us. And that's why it's part of the lovers dozens. I know it's like number nine or ten, but it's really one of the major things is communication.So that's what we're going to be talking about on this episode. Now, before we do that, I just want to put a quick word in for. For you to subscribe to our podcast.So you'll get a notification or follow it and then share this with other people to say, hey, I found a good marriage podcast to listen to and, and tell them about it or maybe something you've got on it because, you know, every married couple or Somebody thinking about getting married or engaged needs to hear good marriage teaching and exhortations. So tell them about it. You don't know how you could impact their life by doing that.

Yeah, don't wait until you hear from your friend that they're having difficulties in their marriage. Get with your girlfriends and tell them about it and tell them how great it is.

Yeah. Yeah. So we're going to move on, get started here, and we're going to talk, like I said today on this episode, about communication.Now, this is not going to be a deep dive. We're going to be talking about the importance of communication, how to apply it, and a little bit of how to's.And then in a future podcast, we're going to do a deep dive into all the different aspects of communication. But this one here is going to be laying a foundation for it because, you know, communication is the lifeline of your marriage.The quality of communication can determine the success or defeat of your marriage. Now, I'm going to play the lyric, read the. I'm not going to play them or sing it.I'm going to read the lyrics of a song by Michael Bolton, back from the 70s or 80s, I believe.And you've probably heard this song, but you really listen to the lyrics and it kind of is going to go into what we're talking about, but I'm not going to sing it, believe me. But it's Michael Bolton's song, How Can We Be Lovers.And if you haven't heard it, I'd recommend you going on and seeing if you can find it and listen to it. But it starts off saying, how can we be lovers if we can't be friends?You know, friendship's so important in your marriage, but God wants you to be more than just friends or even roommates. So how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends?You know, so many times people say we're fighting all the time. We just keep fighting and fighting. Then it goes on to say, how can we make love if we can't make amends? How can we be lovers if we can't be?If we can't be friends?Look at us now, look at us, baby still trying to work it out Never get it right we must be fools, we must be crazy there's no communication, It's a no win situation. Then he goes, how can I start over? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? How can we make love if we can't make amends?Tell me how can we be lovers if we can't be if we can't be friends we lie awake this wall between us we're just not talking We've got so much to say can your marriage relate to this maybe a little bit or a lot? He says, let's break these chains. See, that's what we want to have happen by you listening to this podcast and this.This episode, even if you're a good communicator, you can excel still more. Let's break these chains Our love can free us Our love take Putting on love Ain't it time we started trying?That's a question to you Isn't it time you. You begin to try to heal your marriage or to improve it or take it to the next level?Even got to stop this love from dying Love is tough but we can take it Times are rough but we can make it we can work it out how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? How can we make love if we can't make amends? How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?So our prayer for you is, you're not going to be just friends, you're going to be lovers.

That's really good in the song.

Yeah.

So that talks about communication.

Yeah, that's this whole thing.

That's what it's all about.

Yeah.

Are you communicating? And he was saying, we're not even communicating. We're not even talking. That's really good.

And if part of that work. He says, we've got so much to.

Say, but we just don't talk.

But we don't talk for whatever reason.

The song says it all right there.

So communications, like an astronaut in the old days, now they got them on jet packs. But usually when the astronauts would get out of the. The spaceship, when they're in space, they have a little lifeline that went from the.From the little spaceship, and it would. The little tether line. And that was a lifeline for that. That astronaut. So if it got broke or got cut, he was dead or she was dead.

That was the end of that.

It would sever. He would die.And if your communication is weak or severed in your marriage and it can be weakened or dying, which is what Michael Bolton was saying, this song.

That's it.

But he said, we got to do something. But you know what? He came back and said? It's tough, but we can do it.

Yeah. Quality communication. It's more difficult than most people. Even Realize, but too many people, couples, they fail to communicate with each other. Not.Not because they don't want to communicate or talk, but they just don't know how to.

That is true.

You know, they haven't learned what proper communication skills are. And, you know, maybe they didn't have a role model or maybe their parents never communicated, you know, so they.They just didn't know how to properly communicate. And. But here, the good news is this. Communications, the communication skills can be learned.

Yeah. And. Yeah, and on that, I just. Just know in my family, my dad didn't share hardly anything and my mom didn't. Too much.I didn't learn about sharing that much. But you know what?When the things we learned when we were kids and growing up and people were around, what happens when Linda brought up, we have to learn these skills, which we're going to talk about.

Yeah, we're going to be teaching, really.

Especially in a little bit later episodes. But you have to begin to build new habits because the old's gonna continue to come out.So that's why we have to be on purpose and intentional on this. So this is gonna be good stuff.

I know, I'm excited about it too.Well, we're gonna be presenting some guidelines and tips that can be followed to help with communication skills and when to put them on, when to put them into practice, how to do that on a continual basis, and how that. How all of this can positively impact your marriage. Let's look at the definition of communication. We haven't covered that, have we?

You know, with that, you know. No, we haven't given that yet.

Yeah.

And a lot of times you hear people say, like, one of the big problems, you mentioned it earlier in the opening, is we have problems with communication. We have problems with communication. Well, that can mean anything. It could be talking about your calendar.It could be talking about your sex life, talking about money or how you're going to raise their kids. It could be with your feelings, goals and dreams. And I'm getting into part of the definition here, but.Okay, but so when people say, oh, we just don't communicate well, what do you mean in their marriage, what is the problem? It could be all that look like or just one.

Right.

So we have to learn what it looks like.

Yeah. What does it mean when someone says, we got a communication problem? Yeah, yeah. What does that really mean?Well, a definition of communication is, like Greg said, the sharing of information.It's feelings or ideas, talking about your calendar, talking about your dreams, events that you might have going on or coming up, it might be communicating something that has hurt you or a frustration that you have, or maybe there's a conflict that's been going on. But you know what? Here are some food for thought ideas on what topics your communication should include.Okay, so topics like victories that you've had or maybe defeats. Okay. Household projects. Talk about kids, like Greg said. Grandkids, goals and dreams. Talk about church and what you learned in church when you went.Maybe talk about your extended family or work budgets. Money. Ooh, money. Unresolved issues, health issues.

You know why they're not unresolved sometimes?

Why?

Because you're not talking about them.

There you go. That's right. Exactly.

That was worth the whole thing right here.

Hey, and here's one. A lot of people, health issues. Women do not share their health issues with their husbands like they all do.And maybe the men don't share their health issues with their wives. You know, they don't want to talk about it to their wives because the wife will say, go to the doctor.

No, we'd rather talk about the next one you're going to say.

I knew you were going to say that. What is it?

Sex?

Yeah.

Got to talk about it.

That's right. Hobbies, interests, challenges you're facing within your family or maybe your extended family or personally, things that you're just.You're challenged with at work. Talking about your marriage, relationship. Huh.

You know what I just get from all this, Right. Tell me, is a lot of times people say, well, we just don't have nothing to talk about.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah.

Really, There is more than enough to talk about if you just open up and talk about it.

Yes.

But you know what that takes? Opening up.

Yes.

You know, sharing your feelings and being willing to be vulnerable.

Right.

You know, and then, you know what that takes out the roommate syndrome.

Right.

You know, when you talk to. Rather than going to your girlfriend or, you know, the guys don't talk. So I don't worry about that.But the girls, rather than going to mom or your girlfriends, you should be talking to your husbands about things. Now, we're going to get into some reasons why this. That doesn't happen.

Now, I'm going to ask a question on that.

Okay.

Because I believe husband and wife need to be talking all the time about everything. And really, it's not good for somebody to go share all their problems necessarily with everybody to get all this input.But isn't it true that sometimes girls need to have girl talk?

We need girlfriends.

You need girlfriends.

Yeah. And we we do. We need girls.

That might be a topic.

Should be a trusted girlfriend and someone that you can have confidence in.Know that you're going to get like if you share back and forth and maybe talk about how to overcome the challenges with your girlfriend that they're godly.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, a godly relationship with your girlfriends. But yeah. So you know, and let me just throw in here because a lot of times some will go. We'll start talking with somebody at work. A co worker.

Yeah.

And if it's somebody of the opposite sex, well, that is a prime line.

Because they'll probably want to listen to you.

They're going to listen to you. And you know what? That puts a crack in your armor because the devil will slip in there. And that's how affairs start on the emotional level.Now we're going to talk a little bit more this on a deep dive.

Now what just came to me on that tell me is if, say you are working.

Right.

You know what my competition would be?

What?

Co workers.

Yeah, that's true.

Not that they would try to whine and dine you because I don't want to get out. Communicate it with that.

Oh, there you go.

See that's.

Yeah.

Because you get people at work.

Yeah.

Oh, tell me what's going on. Oh yeah. And if I'm not doing at home or you're not doing it when I'm trying. You know what I'm saying?

I do.

So we gotta. We got competition. Hey guys, we got to be the one. That's their number one big ear.

Hey, women listen to that. Because if we're not making time to communicate with our spouse, our husbands. Well, you know what? Someone else will hear, someone else will.And that's when you're asking. Problems, trouble. Right.

We're meddling now, so keep. All right.

Okay. Well, well, so what else is it that we need to. Well, you got learn about that.

Well, communication. If we don't communicate and have discussions, it says we can get frustrated.

Yep.

There's disappointments and bitterness can develop.

Oh yeah. We don't want.

And the roommate sister. The roommate syndrome can come around.And because they don't communicate other than what they're going to eat or what type of romaine noodles that are going to have coexisting.

They're just right. Coexisting.

Communication is vital right now. Excuse me. There's a book by Elaine Kidman. Creedman. She. She was a marriage writer a long time ago, a while back and she wrote this statement.I'm just Going to read it because it's very, very important and it ties into sex. Yes. But you'll see how it all works together. Okay. She says if I want to know how.How good a couple's sex life is, all I have to do is ask them how well they communicate.

Oh, wow, that says a lot right there.

I know that.I know that a man and a woman who spend quality time talking to each other every day are much more likely to have a close sexual relationship than a couple whose conversation is limited to a factual exchange regarding the need to take the car in for service, an upcoming school play, or little Johnny's recital.

Hey, that tells you right there why affairs happen.

Affairs happen right there. And why a lot of times there's not a lot of sexual intimacy going on in a marriage because this area is not being fulfilled.And especially for a woman, that's like foreplay.

Yeah.

That's communication. And that leads us to my next comment here. Communication is lubrication. And let me explain that what it means.And sex, a lot of times we need to use lubrication that makes things, different parts of your body slide together and work together. It allows that wetness to come in to where that causes. It eliminates friction and pain and it can bring more pleasure.And a lot of people say, ah, we don't need lubrication. And they're not getting everything they need to have out of that relationship there. But that's another topic.But what happens if you're communicating in your relationship? Then it's being lubricated.It's the friction between you and your spouse is being eliminated, things are flowing better, you're communicating, there's more peace and your relationship just works better because it's being lubricated. You're putting that oil in there and it just makes things more pleasurable. So if you're not communicating, there can be pain and friction.

Yeah. So what does communication bring?Well, like Greg said, it brings unity in Genesis 11:1, verse 1, and verse 6 describes that unity and talks about the unity of the people because they were speaking the same language. And it says at that point nothing was impossible for them for someone to take action. You must express your desires, your goals and your needs.Okay, so get communicating with your spouse. Get on the same page, right, right down those desires, those goals they need and talk about it. Get a game, get a game plan.Share your ideas, learn about each other and grow together. You know, that's all about all part of your journey, your marriage journey.

Yeah.

Is learning and growing together.

You Know, they were communicating right back.

In Genesis and that particular thing.

God didn't like them communicating because they were trying to build this tower up to the heavens. And he said, you know what he said? He. He said to his angels and such, we need to go down and disrupt their communications.And that's when all these different languages developed because they were so powerful. Communicating together just shows that power.And that's why Satan and the enemy in life comes in with the marriage busters that will try to destroy or hinder or hurt your communication, to cause you and your spouse to get on the wrong page, to get bitterness going on, misunderstandings going on, and lack of knowledge. A lot of things come in and it cripples, as we've already talked about your marriage. So how does he do that?Well, you know, when wartime happens, what does the enemy try to do to the other. Other armies?They try to knock out their communication system because if they can't communicate, they can't go into war and do what they need to do to win. They don't know what their other players are doing, their other team, the other army guys, whatever you want to call it.So they get disorganized and they get distracted. So that communication is cut. It leads to defeat. Also, in a football game, think about this.What happens when the quarterback is up there trying to snap the ball? What is the other team's audience get out there? The. The crowd, they start yelling and screaming as loud as they can. Why?So the players on the field can't hear what the signal is, and it messes up their plays. So have your antennas up. How is the enemy coming in trying to steal and destroy your communication with your spouse?Is it because you're not talking or you're arguing all the time, not taking time, whatever it is, we'll talk about those things more. But be aware of the marriage busters. They. They want you to fail, people.The enemy, the devil life wants your marriage to fail or just to be miserable so you won't have a successful family and your kids can be impacted because what you and a husband, what you as a husband and wife do, will impact your kids. So the enemy wants to take you out and take them out. Now there's two another thing that, that Linda brought up. Unity.Another one, the communication brings his knowledge. Because that knowledge will reveal your dreams, your desires. It'll deal with your issues. You have knowledge of the issues.You know, I don't know if something's bothering Linda if she doesn't. What? Tell me.

Communicate. Tell you about it.

And then I may not like it, but I need to hear it because I can't change. Okay.

No.

Or I can't read her mind.

You can't help me if I. If you don't.

And I can't read her mind.

Yeah, you can't read my mind.

So I want. I got another song here. Some reason. Some reason this week I'm in the songs. But this is kind of dealing about knowledge. All right.I know you've heard of this song before. It's called the escape song, the pina colada song. And it's really got some truths in it. So I'm just going to read the word. I'm not going to sing it.

Let the song re. Let the song teach it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It says, I was tired of my lady we'd been together too long Like a worn out recording of a favorite song so while she lay there sleeping I read the paper in bed and in.And in the personal columns There was a letter that I read if you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain if you're not into yoga and if you have half a brain if you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape Then I'm the love you've looked for Write to me and escape, he goes on and says in the next verse. Thereafter, some courses I didn't think about my lady. I know that sounds kind of mean, but me and my old lady. Catch that word.Me and my old lady had fallen into the same dull routine.

Roommate syndrome.

Same dull. Where are you at in your marriage right now? That's another. We'll talk about that later. So I wrote to the paper. So I took out a personal ad.And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad. Yes, I like pina coladas and I like getting caught in the rain. It's not too. Not. I'm not too much into hell food and I'm not. And I am into champagne.I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape At a bar called o' Malley's we'll plan our escape. So I waited on high hopes and she walked into the place. I knew her smile in an instant I knew the curve of her face. It was my own lovely lady.Do you notice what he called her? My own lovely lady. The first part of the song, it's.

Oh, lady, old lady.

What happened? He saw and heard what she was interested in. There was communication going on. It lit a fire in him and then she says, oh, it's just you.Then we laughed for a moment and here's the key word. And I said, I never knew, I never knew, I never knew. And he went, once he knew, it went from old lady to my lovely lady.I tell you, you got to listen to a lot of these songs sometimes. I know a lot of them are junk, but there's some of them got good stuff.And then it goes on to say, like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain and the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne. If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape, you're the lady I've looked for. Come with me and escape.And it goes on and talks about that. So if I only knew. So knowledge. Another thing that communication brings with that knowledge is Habakkuk 2 says Record Division and run with it.When you're communicating with your spouse, in a sense, when you talk about your dreams and your goals and what's going on in your life, you're writing a vision for your marriage, which is vital, but you've got to talk about it, write it, so you can run with it. Now Hosea 4:6 says, My people are destroyed for the lack of knowledge.When you don't have that knowledge going through communication and your marriage, you're heading for destruction or at least miserable existence a lot of times.

Well, here's some reasons to communicate. To inform, inform your spouse of what's going on in your life from the calendars, goals, dreams, desires and concerns. That's one way.A second way and reason to communicate would be to investigate, ask questions about your spouse's life and what's going on in their life and, you know, take interest. And a third way is when you communicate, it's to gain understanding.Understand what makes them happy or sad and what brings out their best and their worst. So those are three great reasons to communicate.

Let's go ahead and stop at this point, we're not going to be able to get everything that we wanted to cover on this part, Introduction to communication. So next time we're going to pick up. We got some more good stuff. I'm going to close with this one article right here.It's going to tie into community, ties into communication, because we're going to be talking about talking and listening and such and a few other things to finish this off in the next episode. But I want to read this from Ann Landers.She says, dear Landers, my husband refuses to talk to me about the things I feel should be shared between spouses. This ranges from what is bothering him or me about our work to what may be bothering one of us about our relationship.I cannot share my feelings, fears, anxieties, or even my joys with this man because he has no interest and refuses to respond. There have been times when he specifically told me to talk to my friends because he wasn't very good at dealing with my problems.We all need an outlet and someone to share our thoughts with. How I wish that someone was my husband, but he's made it clear he can't handle that kind of intimacy.So when I need to release my frustrations about anything, including him, I rely on my sister or my friends. Sign me. Here's a lady, a wife crying out for her husband just to talk to her. Now this could be the.Some of these it's always like it's the men's fault, but a lot of times it can be the opposite.

That's true.

And maybe your marriage isn't like this, but even if it's got a hint of poor communication going on, don't let that spread. Let's make it a challenge to up our game and our communication to share, to talk about everything with your spouse.

Yeah, do it on purpose. Make it intentional, you know, and awareness.

Next week we're going to come back, we're going to continue on this introduction part on, on communication. And then I think we got another topic we're going to cover next time too. And so just think about what we shared. Linda's got a.

Here's a honeydews. Just a couple honeydew. Yeah. Well, okay, so ask yourself, in what ways can I improve my talking with my spouse?And in what ways can I improve my listening with my spouse? Ask yourself that.And then if both y' all are listening to the episodes together, then take time to sit down and what Communicate this one questioning. Communicate these weaknesses, strengths and weaknesses, I guess you could say. And then the next honey do would.

Be what is it?

The 10 second kiss.Now Greg usually shares about the 10 second kiss, but I just want to tell you, it just makes my whole day when we set our timer, the 10 second timer and we take that time and there's even been times when he's hurried out the door and I'm like, hey, dear. Hey, hey. And he comes back and he's like, whoa, what's happening? I said the 10 second kiss.

10 second kiss.

We didn't do it. And he's like, oh my gosh, how could I have forgot that? So then we started.

I really just seen if you remember.

Is that what it is?

Yes.

So let me encourage you take that time to do the 10 second kiss. Women, you be the initiator. If your husband isn't initiating it, you do it. Yeah. You know.So in closing, thanks again for joining us and I hope that you've gotten encouraged by listening to this episode and we look forward to you joining us next week. And remember, you can be married and love it on purpose.

Thank you for investing into your marriage by listening to the Married and Love it podcast.Be sure to be a part of the ripple effect of making marriage great by sharing this podcast with other couples to equip them to be married and love it.Also, subscribe to and follow us on your favorite platform and be sure to check out our website at www.where you can learn more about Married and Lovett and contact us with any questions or comments that you may have. And remember with God that you have a future and a hope and you can be married and love it on purpose.