EP 26. The Power of Teamwork in Your Marriage Continued. PT 8 of The Lover's Dozen Series

Welcome to the Married and Love it podcast.

We are Greg and Linda Smith, your hosts from Raleigh, North Carolina.

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It is an honor and privilege to have you join us.

Hey, thanks for tuning in with us to get your dose of a marriage boost for Married and Love it today.

And on today's episode, we're going to be continuing with the lover's dozen.

And that's 13 principles that Greg and I have applied since our marriage was restored after a near separation back in 1986.

That's a long time ago.

That is.

That is.

Yes.

And we're still applying them, aren't we, dear?

Yes.

Yes.

It's been 47 plus years of being married and love it.

But I'm telling you, it took being on purpose.

We're still taking it to keep on it's intentional.

Yes.

Well, the series began on episode 19, so let me encourage you to go back and listen to them if you haven't already heard them.

And before we get into the day's new stuff, I need to make a confession.

I had a senior moment on the last episode I had mentioned about we were talking about Linda going back to work and I told her if she went back to work then I was going to help take care of all the stuff in the house and things that need to be done.

And I mentioned it was like she only had that one job.

And I later that evening or the next day I go, wait a minute.

When we got married, Linda worked a couple of jobs in the first three year time period.

So she did.

And when we first did get married, she was actually working at Disney World and we kind of grew up around that area, but she had a real good, nice job there as a waitress in one of the top restaurants there.

And so she did that for a while and then she got a job as a secretary administrator for five different youth pastors people involved in the youth ministry at this church.

Calvary Assembly.

Yes.

In Orlando, Winter park area.

And then during that time, this is now, this is all in the first little less than three years that we had been married.

And then during that time frame, Linda had a grease fire in our apartment building kitchen.

And she burnt her right forearm area, both hands, and her face got kind of singed.

And all her face hair and her eyebrows all got singed through this fire.

Nothing on my face, but nothing on.

Her face got hurt.

That's another story.

Yes, another story.

But during that time, she had stubble all over her arm.

She had skin grafting done.

She was in the hospital.

And then some skin grafting and such.

So what happened with me, for quite a while, I began to be her caretaker.

And when I say caretaker, for the first two or three months, when she had both hands wrapped up, I did everything from the bed to the toilet with her.

I was.

I was caretaker.

Tmi, dear, was tmi.

Tmi.

But it's true.

But you know what you did, you did learn to enjoy broccoli.

That's true.

The highlight of it is I hated broccoli.

And I would go across Silver Lining to that story from the cafeteria that was across the street from right around the corner and Winter Park.

I would go over and get her broccoli with cheese sauce on it.

And one night I stuck my fork over there, and she says, what are you doing?

I said, I want to try that cheese on your broccoli.

And I did it, and I fell in love with it.

So I've been eating it for a long time now, so that was a blessing.

But other than that, I took over the roles of everything in the house at that time.

I was like 21 years old.

20.

And stepped up to the plate and took care of her.

And then she went.

Then.

Then eventually, I think maybe she went back to work there.

And then after that, she had a miscarriage.

We lost our first child.

Now, for me, I was numb.

I didn't grow up with any kids, brothers or sisters.

I was an only child.

I really didn't.

Was never around any young babies, getting, you know, friends or neighbors or even other family members.

So I didn't.

I didn't really have any feelings.

That was one thing.

When I was growing up, I was kind of numb to everything going on and even through the first years of our marriage.

And I had a lot of feelings for Linda, but not in these type of areas.

So I failed to probably realize how that impacted Linda as losing a baby as it is for a mom and a mother.

And so I don't feel like I, probably because I can't remember back then, really feel like I even support her as a team member, as her husband and the father of the baby.

And so that point, I dropped the ball as a team.

Team member.

And then she got pregnant again.

Faith plus works.

She got pregnant.

And at the same time, we decided to move to Charleston, South Carolina, to work with the junior high ministry there.

So we uplifted and made a move.

Now on that we were on the same page.

And that's.

I think we may have talked about that and got your God's plans and purposes for you, but we made a move together, sir.

We were team members.

So during this first three years, we are developing as a team.

I dropped the ball as a husband in the area of that miscarriage, but we made it through.

Now, the point I want to bring out is, is that started almost day one, that we were a team because we were also working in ministry stuff.

But here's a point I want to make is.

And as you get go longer in your marriage, we were working in a team in some areas.

But down the road, if you don't have all your ducks in order, just because you've got three or four areas going good in your marriage, if you're not working on the other areas of your marriage, which we've been talking about, you're going to have a bad foundation.

Because at that point, I was.

We hadn't.

We hadn't had that near separation.

We were still six years or so from that, but because I was not understanding Linda and treating her properly in certain areas and how I would be start putting her in a box.

And that hadn't really kicked in all the way yet, but that was a weakness in our foundation that came back and bit us six or seven years later.

So just because you're doing good in two or three areas of the teamwork or areas of your marriage, pat yourself on the back, say, good job.

But you gotta watch out, because the marriage busters will try to come in and still kill and destroy your marriage.

And a lot of times they'll start on day one, day one, and they're going to come in, but you got to watch it.

So put your antennas up and be thinking, how can I be the best husband, the best spouse, starting now, so that you can be a team player with your spouse and ministering to their needs and y' all can accomplish your goals and dreams together because you got to have that foundation Going now before we go on, I want to go into a little information here.

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Yeah.

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Where is that?

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Okay, so let's do that.

And then as we get started into the next topic, in the last episode we talked about the first two parts of being of teamwork in your marriage.

And the first, number one was develop a team mindset to win.

That's your mindset to be a winner and how you can accomplish that.

And then number two is working on household chores and responsibility.

So we did a pretty good dive into that.

So that was last week.

Listen to those.

And then now we're going to get into number three.

Number three.

Yes.

Pray together and let me read this scripture.

It's Matthew 18:19 Again, I say to you that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by my Father who is in heaven.

And, and that's like part A of that scripture.

And so the thing about it is the power of prayer.

Pray together to be a team member.

It's great to pray together now.

And when we lived in Fort Worth, Texas, we had purchased that, we bought this house and the carpet was horrendous.

The people that lived there before two.

Tone lime green from the 60s and 70s.

I think they dyed the carpet.

But no, no, we did.

We did afterwards.

Yeah.

Oh.

But it was still really bad.

So I had told Greg, I said, carpet, let's get some new car.

Well, the people that lived there before us had brought their motorcycle into the master bedroom.

Yeah.

And had worked on their motorcycle.

Had oil.

Oh, it was.

It was horrible.

It was.

It was bad.

So I was like, greg, can we just get some new carpet?

And he's like, at this time in life, no, no.

We don't have two or three thousand dollars at that point to sell out for new carpet.

And.

Right.

I was negative, Norman.

Let's put it like that.

Yeah.

And I said, okay, well, appease me then.

I'm just going to believe God that somehow, some way, he is going to provide this carpet.

Yeah.

And Greg's like, oh, my gosh.

Okay.

The man of faith.

I was.

I will agree with you.

Yes.

Well, two hours, literally.

Because I wrote it in my journal.

Two hours.

Someone came knocking at our door, and they said, we have this carpet.

We're pulling up.

It's like, brand new.

Yes.

Would you like to have this carpet?

Would it fit in your house?

And we'll bring it right on over to you.

You can pull up the carpet that you've got on your floors now and put it in, and away you go.

And I'm like, by all means, yes.

Oh, yeah.

So that.

That is true.

It was within two hours.

It was some friends of ours from the church we went to.

Right.

They were doing handyman work, and it had pulled out from somebody else, Right?

Yes.

I mean, it was incredible.

And I'm like, okay, that just told me about the power of prayer.

Yeah.

I mean, how it works.

It works.

See, if we hadn't prayed, who knows?

It probably wouldn't have happened.

But that's the way God put it together.

And they pulled the carpet out, piled it up in the garage.

Oh, that was, wow, horrendous.

All that carpet in one spot.

That was a miracle.

Brought the carpet in, did almost the whole house, that we need it done.

And that was God blessing us.

But we prayed.

You don't know how quick God will come in.

And when a husband and wife pray, there is power.

There's power there.

And.

And there's studies that show a statistic that shows couples who pray regularly.

The key word there is regularly together.

Not just quick, bless me, meal at dinner or lay me down to sleep at night, but say some type of prayer and such.

They have a 1% divorce rate that's amazing.

Because that is amazing.

There's been several studies that have brought that out.

Yes.

Yeah, that's amazing.

And pray for everything.

I mean, it doesn't.

God wants to be involved in everything in our lives.

Pray for everything.

And you know, they're also.

We've heard so often and still do families that pray together stay together.

They stay together.

Isn't that right?

Yes.

And we're going to.

We talked about prayer and all that in episodes one and two, maybe three.

And we're going to talk about that a little bit more in the Lovers.

Lovers Dozen here in another few points that we have, but not tonight.

But this is just part of the actual team work right here.

So it's, it's.

And it's.

It's a must.

Now, if you don't believe in prayer, don't pray.

But if you do pray and if you don't believe in player.

Try it.

You might like it.

All right.

All right, so the next one, this is a good one here.

This is one I had to learn.

It says, allow your spouse to be on your team.

And you may be thinking, well, we're on the same team.

We come home and we maybe do this or do that and we do things.

But this is going to go a little bit deeper in what that means, because there are times when you may have something to do around the house.

Maybe if your man or lady.

And it could be chores, it could be a honeydew project.

And you, they say, can we help?

And you go, no, no, I got it.

I can take care of this.

And you're thinking, I can do this better than them, or they're not strong enough to do this.

And so here's an example.

We had moved in this one house in.

In Fort Worth.

This is before the house with all the weird carpet, and we wanted to paint the kids bedrooms.

So we came home from church that day and Linda said, you want me to help?

And I go, no, no, I got this.

Because I'm thinking I'm gonna have to show her how to put the tape up, how the paint.

She's not going to be able to know how to paint.

And it's just going to be a me, a mess.

I'll just do it myself.

I didn't tell her that, but I just told her, no, you don't.

You don't need to help.

And she said, again, I don't mind helping.

And so I guess I had a hunk an auction.

I said, all right, come on in, I'll put you to work.

Best decision I ever made, besides marrying her and a few others.

But I brought her in and showed her what to do, and she did a good job, and she's got an eye for detail, probably too much sometime, but.

And we got in there and we had fun.

We were doing things together.

And then after that, for.

For any house projects, we started doing them together.

You know, there's something about doing things together.

I mean, there's been times when we've been painting where we've lived, and it's time to stop.

We order a pizza, or Linda would make a pizza, and you just take that break, and you're there with your spouse and you're having a good time and talk about all the stuff you've done, and then you rest afterwards.

And who knows, you may have a special team meeting when you get done at the end of the night, but allow your spouse to come in.

And.

And I was just thinking about that.

Okay, let me just get to this statement.

Doing things together will help bring unity, a closeness, a bonding, and a sense of accomplishment.

And.

And.

And it allows.

It could be fun.

Yeah, you.

You may get aggravated here or them, but it just.

Something about that.

And Linda, we talked about this, doing chores like housework, I mean, and gardening and stuff.

But this is a major project now.

I'm gonna.

This.

It can be the closest thing to a Hallmark moment.

Think about when you watch a Hallmark movie for y' all that do or have.

Think about when they're in the kitchen.

Maybe you can have your Hallmark kitchen moment, and your.

Your wife lets you come in and cook, and you start cooking, and maybe you're doing a good job, and all of a sudden one of y' all throws flour at one another or you get something off your face.

What happens?

It shows them having fun.

You can make cooking together fun, or they're painting a room, and one of them gets a little cocky there and they slap some paint on there.

And I don't recommend doing that, but they allow things that make it fun and get cheerful, a little flirty and romantic in it.

And so there's things that you can do to make it fun where it's not Montana monotonous.

Is that how you say it?

I think.

Yeah, but.

And, you know, I probably lost some of y' all because I said Hallmark movie.

I happen to like them because I look for things and meanings in them.

Yes, they are hokey a lot of times, but there's still some good points.

A lot of guys could probably learn some things, and some of the girls Too, especially on communication, but that's another story.

Now, here's an example of my mom and dad.

My mom would not ever allow my dad.

I mean, really allow my dad to do cooking, wash clothes, do anything around the house.

He owned his own business.

He kept.

He took care of the outside until I learned how to do it.

Then he had me take care of the outside.

But he was a hard worker, provided everything we needed, but she just protected him from doing anything.

Well, that protected herself.

Yeah, but he never had a role model at all.

Yeah, actually, he never did have a role model because he was.

His parents were drunks and he lived out on the streets a lot of his life, but she just protected her world.

And maybe she didn't think it was a man's job, or maybe she tried to let him do it and he screwed it up, which, if he didn't get training, that could happen.

But the.

The sad thing is she got dementia, and down the road, she ended up passing away.

My dad was clueless, right?

When he.

He got his own place, he had to call us up.

How do you fry an egg?

How do you boil eggs?

How would you do oatmeal?

How do you do this?

How do you.

How do you wash clothes?

I mean, we literally had to walk him through so.

So many things, but my.

My mom just never took the time.

For whatever reason, she had to teach them that.

Allow your spouse to come into your world, and maybe they'll come in and they may say, you know what?

I don't ever want to see another paintbrush again.

Well, that's fine.

But you allowed them come in, so take that step of faith, if that's what it is.

Now, you got some stuff on this, right?

But let me get back to with your mom and dad.

That rolled over into you when you moved out before we had gotten married, you had to call your aunt because you didn't know how to cook.

Yeah, my mom never taught me how to cook a hamburger.

Maybe, but.

Yeah, but you're right.

You didn't know how to wash your clothes.

Yeah, I remember.

I had to go.

I moved out, got my own place, and it was time to wash clothes.

And how do I do this?

I didn't know how to do this.

I couldn't get a hold of my parents right then, so I had to call my aunt.

She had to tell me what to do and how to wash clothes.

Yeah, you know, and not.

Yes, you can say, well, your only child, you're spoiled.

No, I had to do plenty of chores, believe me.

I, my mom just never let go of that stuff.

And it was a consequence.

Well, there's, there's some reasons why some wives won't ask for help.

And here we are back to the communication thing.

But they won't, they won't ask their husband for help because they feel guilty or they're, they feel like they're not doing their job if they do ask for help.

And they also think that helps housework is their job, that that's their role.

And some husbands get, may get angry if they are asked because the husband thinks, well, I've been out working 10, 15, well, however long hours, and I come home, you've been home all day, what's the deal?

Well, maybe she hadn't been home all day.

Nowadays, most of the times the wives have been working just as much as.

The men, both are.

But she doesn't want to ask for help because she doesn't want him to get angry.

So what happens then?

Well, we had that happen just recently.

Somebody told us about where the husband, the wife was asking husband help around then he goes, well, you're home today.

Even though she worked part time.

And she, he would just get mad for, for being insulted.

He was insulted, you know, so that can happen.

It does happen.

You still need to ask.

Ask regardless.

And then when the wife doesn't ask for help, she starts to feel resentful and angry.

She's exhausted and literally sexually unresponsive and she might even begin feeling like a martyr.

And that's because she didn't ask.

That's just because she has not asked.

So now she's putting resentment out.

And the husband may or may not have been.

He probably would have been okay.

May have been okay.

Yeah.

We're not coming across like all men are lazy oafs.

No, most men want to love and serve their wives.

They just don't know how.

They don't know how or what or when.

So realize this, women asking for help is in everybody's best interest.

Do it for your marriage because it can really make a difference in your marriage if you will ask for help, communicate with your spouse.

If you've got frustrations about lack of support around the house now, it might even bring it to.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you can manage getting someone to clean your house for you, a house cleaning company, or you know, get someone to help with the yard?

It goes both ways really.

Now I'm like this, I like to help, like mowing the yard.

I loved to mow the yard.

I think it's Great.

And I would ask Greg, can I help mow the yard?

And he's like, what?

No, that's man's work.

Yeah, that was his idea.

He probably didn't know what I would do.

But there was a time that we.

He needed help because at one time he owned a mowing company, and so we did that together.

Remember that?

Yeah.

We helped spread pine straw out together and went around mowing together.

I had a blast.

That was so much fun.

But I find I found out that I was allergic to pine needles or pine whatever.

Oh, my gosh.

I broke out from head to toe.

That was horrible.

Anyways, but just working together like that.

Now communicate about your frustrations.

If you need support around the house that you.

You just ask.

Just ask.

If she doesn't communicate, we don't want to see that rebate resentment get built up.

And literally, she's going to be more tired and less interested in any intimacy at all.

So that kind of shuts the door there, right?

Yeah.

So men like, you need to have your antennas up, man.

If your wife is not communicating that maybe you're both working and you both get home at the same time or one before the other, whatever it is, but have your antennas up.

If she's walking around, you can see she's tired or going, oh, man, I had a terrible day and all that.

Just say, how can I help, dear?

What can I do to help you tonight?

Right?

You want me to cook dinner?

You want me to order some dinner?

You want me to do the kids?

Or do I need to run back out to the grocery store because you don't have what we need to cook the meal tonight?

Or do I need to do the laundry?

What can I do so we can sit down?

Let.

What can I.

What can we do so we can sit down maybe a little later and talk together?

Read or watch a show together and have some quiet time together?

I'm willing to help share.

Let me know what to do.

Pass the ball.

Pass the ball.

Yeah.

Back and forth to each other.

But be willing.

And.

And if your wife says no, no, I got it, I got it.

Come back and say, dear, you should really.

Are you sure?

Because I really would like us to sit down because that might be.

Your wife may be denying that help to you because she feels like she isn't doing your job, doing her job.

And then that's when you come back and say, dear, I know you usually do this and you do an awesome job at it, but I'm more willing to help you.

And if I don't know how to do it right.

Show me how to do this real quick so I can be a helper.

And so this way, in the future, if I see you're having a problem, I know what to do, and I can handle it.

So be a team.

Communicate.

You know, in a basketball team, they say, pass the ball.

Pass the ball when they're going down court.

Well, why do they pass it?

Well, a lot of times the person they're going to pass it to has got a better shot of getting it.

Getting the ball in the hoop.

Yeah.

And so a lot of times you may be tired, and you go, you know what?

I got this.

I can win the game.

I got this.

But you see another person over here that's open, and they go ahead.

They.

They become a team player and pass it over, because that other person might be able to make the shot.

Or.

Or maybe it's just in the playbook.

You need to pass it so somebody else can take over automatically and move in.

Or if you're the person that doesn't have the ball, a lot of times they're running around trying to get open, but they see that the player that's got the ball is having a hard time.

What do they do?

They say, I got to get.

I got to help that guy.

They're going to get the ball from him.

So they'll run around closer and get open and say, here, wave the arms.

You know, you see it on tv.

They're sitting there waving the arm.

You say, throw the ball to that guy over there.

And they don't see him, but they'll see him, and they'll throw that.

Why?

Because the other guy got away from the guy who was protecting him.

He saw their teammate needed help, and that's where teamwork comes in.

You got to be watching around just like, if I am.

I don't mow a yard anymore because we don't have a yard.

But if Linda sees me struggling with something I'm doing around the house, that's normally what I kind of do.

She'll say, hey, can I come in and do this?

You want me to wash your clothes today or cook you breakfast?

Or she'll help me empty the dishwasher because I do a lot of the kitchen chores because of my caretaking.

But you.

You.

You keep that antenna on.

What does my teammate need?

It's not, what about me?

I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I.

I worked 10 hours today.

Or I had this big program to do.

Well, you know what your spouse probably worked 10 hours today, too, and maybe more.

But team.

Team members come together.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

And that's what God has called us to do.

You know, when.

When was it Moses or Aaron?

Oh, when they got.

When he needed his hands lifted.

Hands lifted up.

Yeah, right.

They.

They lifted his hands up and he was winning the battle.

But if his hands came down, he was losing.

And that's what we're called, alongside losing.

And you know what?

If you're holding somebody's arms up, you can be tired, too.

So be tired together.

That way, when you get done, you can put the arms down, sit down, and relax for a little bit together.

What is that saying?

The many hands may, like, make for light work.

Yes.

Many hands make.

I think there's a scripture on that.

Well, probably.

But this.

That was just the same.

Many hands make for life.

Yes.

Work.

So as your teammates, as we close up here on this episode, allow your teammate to be on your team.

You allow that by.

If they ask, say, yeah, come in and let me show you how to do this.

Or if you're needing help, don't have pride and say, I can do this on my own.

This is my job.

Whatever.

Say, no, you know what?

I need some help tonight.

Yeah.

And I just believe, God, that you picked out somebody as your spouse that loves you so much that they want to help you.

Yes.

And if they're not there yet, just walk in love with them, ask them nicely, and they'd be praying for them.

And.

But you know what you do?

You continue to reach out and ask, but also you offer to serve them and begin to plant some seeds.

And we're going to talk about this a little bit later, I think.

But you know what?

If your spouse helps you do something, thank them for it and build them up.

And with that, we're going to close.

Did.

Is there anything else you wanted to bring up?

No.

I think.

Well, there is in Genesis.

I'm not sure about this scripture.

If you want to, I'll go ahead.

And read this one.

We're going to save it for the other one for next time.

Okay.

But we'll read this one tonight in closing.

This is Genesis 11:6.

And the Lord said, behold, they are one people and unified.

And they have the same language.

And this is what they began to do.

This is when they were.

The people were building the tower of Babel.

And it said, and now nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them.

They.

They spoke the same language.

God wants you and your spouse to be on the same page, saying the same things, working together as a couple, it takes practice.

I mean, Linda and I had that first three years and we had some things we did good in, some things we weren't doing good.

And through the years, it.

You just grow.

Like I said in one of the, the earlier episode, the longer you play together, the longer you run your game plan, the longer you're together and you begin to learn how each one acts and thinks.

You become like this one unit that you just.

You're one.

I believe that's one thing that God means by me and one.

It's not just being one physically, but you've gotten to be one spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and physically.

So you begin to know what they're thinking, you know when they need help doing this.

You know when you can back off and you know what you're thinking and you know what you need to get done.

And your family becomes a champion team, a marriage champion team.

So some honeydews go through the couple of items that we talked about, you know, the strategies and.

And sit down and maybe discuss it with what are some.

Are.

Are you weak in these areas?

Do you have a problem communicating?

Do you have a problem asking for help?

Do you see where maybe you haven't.

Yeah.

Where you haven't asked for help in the past?

So talk about that and see how you can change that.

Yeah.

And what.

And what's.

So that would be a little bit.

So what's a second number two.

I bet y' all can guess.

I bet you guess the 10 second guess.

That's it.

Now this take too.

So grab your.

Grab your teammate.

Maybe you've just done a chore together and say, we need our 10 second guest.

Yep.

You know, and have yourself a Hallmark movie.

Movie moment.

Have yourself a Hallmark moment.

Oh, yeah.

Pull them up to you.

Say, hey, Siri, set my timer 10 for 10 seconds.

And give them a good old kiss and a hug, too.

That's right.

Well, thanks for joining us today and we hope that you learned something through this podcast and we're going to be picking up on it again next week.

We look forward to you joining us then.

And remember, you can be married and love it on purpose.

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And remember with God that you have a future and a hope and you can be married and love it on purpose.