EP 23. Developing common interests with your spouse. PT 5 of The Lover's Dozen Series

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Hey, thanks for jo us today and we're continuing on the series the Lovers Dozen, which that is 13 principles that Greg and I applied to our marriage when we were near separation back in 1986.

And here we are still together, married and love it and been married for over 47 years.

So we're continuing on with the Lover's Dozen.

We're looking at point number three and that one would be that we develop common interests.

Yep.

So that's what we're going to get into today.

But before we do that, I wanted to say two things.

You may be wondering, how is a dozen 13?

Well, you know, we just call it a Baker's Dozen.

There's 12 donuts.

They put 12 items in something.

Well, when you're loved, things can be crazy.

So the lover's dozen is 13.

So.

So the baker's dozen, they, that's what they call it.

They throw in 13 donut.

Yes.

So we're just throwing in an extra donut, so to speak, for us to apply to our lives and apply to your marriage.

And kind of a follow up to last week when we talked about meeting your spouse's needs.

But, and it goes past that.

But I just want to challenge you this week.

Have a, have a desire or have a attitude to watch your spouse do they do something you didn't ask them to do ahead of your what you normally do.

Maybe they took out the garbage.

Maybe they folded your socks up and put them together for you or they did something special for you, something they went up above and yawn.

Above and beyond maybe.

Well, have the attitude I caught you doing something good.

See, we're always looking for subconsciously when something goes wrong.

When our Spouse does something wrong, we're ready to get on them saying, I need you to do this or how come you didn't do that?

Well, you forgot to do this.

Say hey, that just blessed me so much when you helped me with the laundry the other day.

You don't know, I was so tired and worn out.

That really blessed me.

I appreciate it when you got the gas for me the other day in my car or when you, whatever it is, catch them doing something good and maybe it's not always right then, but bring it up, let them know they did good because we all, I believe everybody wants to be appreciated.

And when we get appreciated, a normal person's going to want to do more things to hear the appreciation.

Especially probably if they're the personality types.

Like words of affirmation.

Yeah.

So with that, we're going to get on in till we develop common interest.

And this one is.

Sounds simple, but it doesn't always happen.

Now when Lynn and I first got married, a couple years into it, Linda really took an interest in fitness and nutrition.

Now she was a cheerleader in high school and actually even did some beauty pageants and stuff.

So she was into fitness and health to the degree.

But as the longer our marriage went on, she really got into it, would like to go exercise.

She, she was getting more into nutrition and I just blew it off.

I mean we probably got five, probably more like eight years or so into our marriage and I, this is before we separated and I just blew it off.

I didn't want to work out, I didn't want to go exercise and I didn't, I didn't take interest in what she was doing.

I didn't stop her, but I didn't take interest.

Now when she dressed up like Jane Fonda and tights and stuff, being a youth pastor of those days, I thought that was almost sin.

But that's another story which we talked about in the personality types.

Yeah.

But I decided, you know what, I'm going to take interest in what Linda's doing.

And she said, Greg, great.

Come on up to Cosmopolitan lady, which is a workout place at those days just for ladies.

No men came in, they said they're having to bring your boyfriend or bring your husband day.

And I said, okay.

So my sister in law was going and with Linda all the time.

So me and her husband went and we got in there and we were the only men in there.

No other husbands were up there.

And it was.

So you were in Texas and there was a big Dallas Cowboys Sunday afternoon.

That explains it Right.

Yes.

Yep.

And so all the men, they were there with either at home watching the game or in the stadium watching the game.

So me and, Me and yeah, my brother in law were in there.

We took this aerobics class.

I said I just not going to be no big deal.

I thought I was gonna die.

Oh, it was packed out.

The women were.

And they were laughing because Greg always said, oh, there's nothing to that stuff, you know.

And he came to find out there was.

It was, it took.

It was an art.

Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

Yeah.

I learned a lesson.

The only thing that kept me going and if my brother in law listens, he knows this.

At least I think he does.

I only thing that got me going to make it through was watching him trying to do it.

And we were laughing, we both laughed so hard.

But I took interest.

I didn't.

Yes.

You know, and it took me a while, but eventually I started wanting to work out and I started working out and exercising.

Before long through the.

Even a little bit more through the years and I started getting more into it.

Lynn and I would work out together.

We would.

We started walking together.

I took interest in fitness and health and it helped me, but it was something we could talk about and do together maybe.

And even today we.

We try to exercise together now sometimes we're not at the same gym, if we're going to a gym.

And her health situation has changed it, but we enjoy doing that together.

But we still.

We got out the other day and Linda had her walking sticks and we got the walk and we hadn't done that in a long time.

It was awesome just to be out there and to connect and such.

We would do sweating to the old.

I was coming to that.

Oh, yeah, okay.

I didn't know if you were going to leave that out, but.

Oh yeah, we.

Some of y'all might.

This is going to age us.

Richard Simmons, I think he just recently passed away, but he had a thing called sweating to the oldies with the old songs.

So the kids would be out of the house and Linda and I would turn on the BCR tape.

That's like a large cassette and we have put it on, move the furniture out and we'd get in there and do aerobics.

They were easy, but do aerobics to sweating to the oldies.

And we had fun.

Now I will say this, this will come.

We'll talk about this more in another one.

And I don't want to scare you, but one time when the kids were gone, you know what we did quietly.

We did it naked.

That was a lot of fun.

That was a lot of fun.

You get creative new exercises developed out of that.

But anyway, just wipe that from your memory.

All right, Dr.

Love.

But also me learning how to do all that through the years, it eventually helped me lose over £60 because of things that we started years ago.

So taking part in your partner's world shows them that you're interested in their life.

Yeah.

Plus doing things together bonds you and brings you closer together.

Like now we enjoy cooking together, healthy cooking and eating, and, you know, we take interest in our life that way.

Yeah.

So that's been fun.

And then we also encourage each other to excel more in their interests.

Like back in 2008, when I was in the nutritional world, I wanted to get certified.

I wanted to get certified as a fitness instructor.

So Greg encouraged me in that.

And then I wanted to also get certified as a wellness consultant and a counselor.

And so he would encourage me in that.

And so there were times when he would send me off to class because it was, you know, like a few weeks that I would go to these classes, and he would prep my breakfast.

You know, I would go off with a shake, and then he.

When I came home, he'd always have a meal cooked for me and was ready to welcome me at home.

And that was always.

He always encouraged me in my studies and in getting my ACE certification.

So that.

That is where he really showed that was an area that he could take interest in what I was doing.

And not only, well, I would help her leave and go, which is another thing of meeting her needs and being there for that, but also I would ask her questions, what are you learning?

And I would encourage.

I would encourage her to study and.

And, like I said, ask her questions and.

And.

And learn from what she was doing.

But I encouraged her to take the class and do what she needed to do with that.

I remember one time I went out to one of the classes, or it was a special night they had, and went out and listened to the teaching for a couple of hours.

So we went out and made a date out of it one time because it was out in the country where the lady held her classes.

So I took interest in that and.

And that's what we're encouraging you to do as a husband and wife.

It doesn't mean you have to do something.

You just take interest in it.

Now, there was one time we had a couple that we worked with, this is several years ago, and the wife came to me and said, my husband likes to collect Star War figurines.

I think it's stupid.

I have no desire to that.

But that's what he likes to do.

And he.

He wants me to do something or list.

Look at him.

I really don't have any interest in it.

And I said, well, listen, you need to take an interest in it.

At least take an interest in it.

I said, you can go down to the.

This is when we lived in Fort Worth.

There's a big gigantic flea market downtown, one of many they have.

And I said, I know there's some places down there that sell figurines and collectibles.

Just go down there and look at them with them, ask questions and take interest.

Well, a couple weeks later, she came back and said, hey, Greg, listen, I.

We went down to the stockyard area, the.

The garage sale, whatever you call it.

Flea market.

Flea market, yeah.

And we looked at the stuff, and you know what?

I saw something that I wanted to start collecting.

And she said, you know, then what we did is I got a couple things.

We came home that afternoon, he put his stuff that he got on the floor and was looking at them.

I got my stuff over here and looked at it.

And while we weren't doing the same thing, I took up some collecting.

And that's brought us closer together now because they enjoyed do it together.

Not the same, but they took an interest in each other, and now they're encouraging in that.

And see, just by you doing that simple act to ask questions, whether you do it or not, I mean, whether you participate all the time, you're just taking questions and then continue to ask, hey, how's, how's your golfing going?

If they play golf, how's it going?

How was your score today?

You know, and even with that, you could even say, you know, if you want to sometime, I wouldn't mind going out and riding in the cart with you while you go out and play with another guy, maybe his wife can go too, and we can just go out and see what you guys do.

I promise I won't talk too much or whatever.

Or if the wife's the one playing golf, just look for ways you can get involved in their life.

Yeah, and like, sometimes it's a sport.

Some of the guys love to sit down.

And maybe they don't have a group of guys that get together and have sports night, you know, but you can just sit down and watch sports, learn about that sport.

Like the cowboys, you know, I had to.

I was a cheerleader all my life, but I didn't know.

I Have a clue about how football was played.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Can you imagine?

That's just so silly.

But that's the way it was.

I was too busy doing all of my throw me up in the air and catch me type stuff.

But I decided that when Greg wants to sit down and watch football, then without being a nuisance and asking too many questions, then I took interest in learning about the football.

And now my grandson, he is big into football, football, football, everything football.

And because his dad was a college football player, and so he is all into it and looking at that being his future.

So it's good that I'm aware of how the game is even played and what it's all about.

But back to the husband, your spouse.

Take an interest.

Some of it's gardening.

Sometimes couples love to garden together.

That's just another idea on what you can do and have fun together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, there's so much out there that you can do together and take an interest in each other's goals and visions and dreams, that sort of thing.

Yeah.

If one person likes looking at.

Looking at houses.

Oh, I love looking at houses.

Sometimes open houses.

I.

Sometimes I like doing that, sometimes I don't.

But because I know Linda likes doing.

That, I love just looking at floor plans.

Yeah.

So, like, we just did that this weekend.

Yeah, we did.

Yeah.

And it was fun.

I had lots of stuff I wanted to work on.

Part of it was working on our podcast, but she wanted to go out and look at this.

We had a window of opportunity, so we went and spent a few minutes and we.

It was nice.

It was something to do to get out.

The point is take interest and enjoy doing things together and support them in it.

Ask them about it during the week.

Say, hey, how's.

How was.

Like, we already said this, like, how was your game?

How was your class?

They're taking a special class in something.

Ask them about it.

They're studying something.

Bible study or something of that.

Maybe.

Maybe they're taking a Bible course at church or you got a special study group.

Well, hey, how'd your course go tonight?

What are you learning?

Talk about interest.

That's how you get to know your spouse.

You.

And that shows that you love and care of them.

And listen when you know, listen.

If they say they're going to be learning a serpent.

Certain topic.

And then when they come back in, you can say, well, what did you learn about that topic tonight?

That lets them know you're listening and intently listening and that you care.

Now, Linda and I Were doing ministry stuff when we dated.

I was already working with high school.

Students a long time ago.

Over 50 years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah, 50 years.

Like we said this summer.

Right?

Really?

And she just hopped right in it, you know, I didn't have to.

To coerce her to come in.

But fortunately, God put us together.

We know now that he put us together to serve in the ministry together.

But when we dated, we started doing ministry stuff together.

We got married and we just moved right on in and kept serving together and.

But she took interest when we first got together, and fortunately, God put us together.

I would hate to see it if we both went different directions.

Yeah.

So it's even good when you're dating to find out what your spouse is interested in.

Your possible spouse.

I should say that.

But now we're in the ministry together, and we can talk about ministry stuff.

And it's not work because it's part of our life.

But there are times we say, all right, no married and love it today, just me and you.

But it's hard to keep it down because it's part of us.

And a lot of times your spouse's interest is part of them, and you need to get involved in what's going on in their life.

Now, men, remember, if your wife's having a problem with her special interest and she's kind of expressing her frustrations, do not start trying to fix it unless she ask.

All right?

Yes.

Now, I like Christmas lights.

It's in my jeans.

I decorate.

And every year, my decoration got bigger and bigger and bigger to where it take me, like, a month to get set up.

It compares to Disney World, big decor, whatever.

Linda would just let me do it.

She'd say, I'm a widow for four or five weeks out of the year, months.

And.

But she would come out sometimes and help me and.

Or.

Or point out things.

I would say, I like to supervise.

Or, yeah, come out and supervise me.

Core help with the decor.

She.

Some people do a lot of Christmas lights.

If you watch some of the shows, the husband and wife are doing it together.

Or sometimes it's the wife that's going crazy.

But she.

She.

She loved it.

The neighbors loved it.

And.

But yet she.

She would support me in it.

She would cook me meals, make chili when it's cold, hot chocolate.

Then if we had had some people come over and help, she'd make cookies for us.

So she supported my addiction.

I'll call it addiction.

I think it was.

Yeah, I think it was.

And that's just another way of.

She knew how important it was and actually how people around the neighborhood and stuff enjoyed it.

So find out what your spouse is interested in.

Get involved, learn, and listen.

Any other thoughts on this, dear?

No, I think I got it covered.

All right, well, so take interest in what your spouse is into, and it's going to bring you closer together.

It's going to cause bonding.

Then you can actually even pray with them if they got a special event with that top with their, with their.

Whatever they're doing, pray with them about it and then share what you share what's going on in your life.

So if your spouse.

This is a good point.

If your spouse is asking you or questions about what you're interested in, sometimes we say, oh, it was good.

Share your heart more about it and why you're doing it, depending on what it is.

But let your spouse in, but also get into your spouse's desires and what they're interested in.

Well, I have a good example.

I wanted to go back to the gardening thing.

Yeah.

You know how a lot of people like to do gardening together?

Well, one might like to do more than the other.

And I remember there was a time when I, like you go to the nursery to pick out a certain bush or plant or.

Yeah.

Flowers or whatever it is you need.

And so there was a time when we went up to the nursery together and.

And I did want to have some say so in it, but oh my gosh, that day was so hot, I thought I was going to fall out.

But Greg and his dad would just wander all over this nursery.

And the plus point for me was that nursery carried the locally grown honey.

Yeah.

So I thought if I go, I can snag me a thing of honey.

Yeah.

So I had a little motivation there.

But my point being I was patient in the fact that they had to look at every single bush and every single plant and go all around the nursery.

And I mean, we were sweating like crazy.

It was such a hot day.

There was no breeze and it was like a.

Okay, Linda, just let them do their thing and, you know, let Greg do his thing because he knew what he wanted to plant around the house and that sort of thing.

But, you know, sometimes that's where we talked about when you're meeting your spouse's needs that, you know, and you may be taking an interest, they kind of blend together.

Yeah, they do.

You know, but you sacrifice a little bit, you know, it's to meet your spouse's needs and their desires, you know, and then.

But then again, it is something that you're doing together.

Yeah.

You know, and then I realized, well, that was pretty cool because then I would get to supervise on where they would get to go.

Well, the reason why around is because I knew if I didn't get the right plants that you may not like them.

Right.

I might not.

So I had to get your input and stuff.

And I am not a gardener.

No, we are not at all gardeners for that fact.

So we had to get easy plants to water and that kind of thing.

We had to work with the lighting around our house and that sort of thing.

But, yeah, that's just another thought to throw in there.

But she went up there with us, and that was.

That was awesome.

And it was a great day.

It was.

It turned out to be really nice.

We went to good Berries afterwards.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I remember one day, Lynn and I had a whole date.

And see, this worked in.

We both like working out.

Yes.

Once we had developed, we said, we're.

Going to try a different gym this morning.

Or it was a different branch.

We went to that gym, worked out together, and then we said, well, let's go down.

I think there was a cafeteria.

No, we didn't.

Waffle House.

No.

What A Waffle House.

We went.

That was another date.

Yes.

But we went.

Got something to eat.

I think it was at a Whole Foods.

Got a couple groceries.

Oh, yeah.

And we ate at their little buffet bar they have there.

And then we headed to North Raleigh and said, you know what, there's another gym in North Raleigh.

Let's go check that one out.

So we went and worked out again.

And then after that, we went out and ate again.

So we spent the whole day doing something we both had a common com.

Common interest in, and that was exercise.

And we ate pretty good.

So you don't know where your common interest can go.

So I challenge you, as we close up, find things that you can have in common.

Support your spouse and the things that aren't in common and allow everything to bring you closer together.

Because you know what?

When you do that, it helps eliminate being roommates.

Yeah.

Because roommates don't necessarily have a common interest.

Yeah.

So God's got good things for you.

It's really not hard to get that accomplished.

It's pretty simple.

Put the other person first.

Yeah.

Love them, serve them.

Meet their needs.

And you know what God says?

Treat others the way you like to be treated.

And it's going to come back on you.

See, your marriage is in your hands.

You can have the marriage that you want.

How you going to mold It.

How are you going to mold it?

Right?

What are you going to do?

The mold the clay.

Yeah.

Okay, so let's talk about.

Well, before we go into the honeydews, the newsletters, once again, we look forward to getting your email so we can put you on our newsletter list.

Yeah.

And I think that we've mentioned before, if you're not married or maybe you are and you're old enough and you have, your kids are married, we'll tell them about us.

Tell them about our podcast.

Yes, tell others and tell others about our podcast and follow or subscribe to our podcast.

And you know, I'm even I talked to a lady that she is actually 93 years old.

93.

93.

And she is adorable.

But she said she has got great grandchildren, that they need help with their marriage.

She was like, I'm gonna do that, you know, so tell your kids, your grandkids and your great grandkids about married and love it.

See, we can tell them things you can't.

That's right.

You know, we're gonna be having Q and A QAs, Q and A's.

And they may be throw.

They can throw a question to us that they may be embarrassed to talk to you about and we can answer that.

Right, Dr.

Love?

That's right.

Okay.

The sex topics.

Coming.

They're coming.

And then.

So alrighty.

So here are your honeydews for today's episode.

Now think about this.

Is there something that your spouse is involved in that you could take more interest in and encourage them in it even?

So think about that and then what can you begin to do together that can become a common interest?

Think about that.

And then what's the other 100?

The other one you gone probably guessed it again, a 10 second kiss.

But I want to challenge you this week.

If you're doing it in the morning, do it in the evening before you go to bed and maybe more.

Do the 10 second kiss.

Pull your spouse to you, say, come here, sweetie.

Grab them, put your arms around them or grab their little cheeks and plant a good one on them.

And you know what?

It doesn't just have to be a little peck.

You can get a little more involved with it.

You never know where it might go.

Sometimes that kiss can be exhilarating and sometimes it could just be an act because of what's going on.

But you never know.

But just do it.

Connect.

That is a common interest you should develop.

Yes.

With that we will talk to you next week.

We'll have another couple of principles to share with you.

And until then, remember you can be.

Married and love it on purpose.

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