EP 20. The Lover's Dozen; 13 Tips to Develop a Fun and Fulling Marriage, Pt. 2; Tip #1 Understanding Each Other: A Key Component to a Thriving Marriage

Welcome to the Married and Love it podcast.

We are Greg and Linda Smith, your host from Raleigh, North Carolina.

It is great that you are taking time to invest into your marriage by listening to our weekly podcast.

The goal of our podcast is to provide you with a weekly dose of marriage teaching to help you keep focused on your marriage.

See it as a freshening up of your marriage, preventive maintenance, a marriage tune up, or fanning the flames of romance, love and passion.

You could even call it continuing education.

We will be covering everything that has to do with your marriage, including hot topics like sex, communication, love and much, much more.

Our teachings are based on Christian principles plus over 47 years of marriage to each other and ministry experience.

We want to help you make your marriage great by teaching you how to be married and love it.

It is an honor and privilege to have you join us.

Hey, thanks for joining us today.

And today we' going to be continuing the Lovers Dozen, which those are the principles that Greg and I applied that helped our marriage to heal back in 1986 and to get stronger.

They enabled us to stand together when all them storms of life and the marriage busters were hitting on us and had come our way.

And well, the result was we drew closer together rather than pushing each other away.

Now episode 19, take a listen and you can hear a little more on our testimony in regards to all that in regarding this stage of our marriage and how we overcame.

Yeah, and we'll do a little, very little recap on that.

But before we do that, this is actually episode 20.

Now what's interesting is we were ready to the record this a couple of weeks ago and the marriage busters hit.

Linda had been experiencing some back pain, more than usual because she had fallen recently and we were getting her back checked out to see if there was anything wrong.

So she was having excruciating pain and actually had to get back on her walker, which she had not used in probably over three years.

So then on top of that, right when we were getting ready to record, Linda came down with the crud stuff that's been going on right when we're getting ready to record.

I felt great in the morning and by that afternoon I was 180 degree difference.

I took a nose dive.

Yes.

So we were both knocked out for a week.

Our whole world stopped.

We didn't do anything.

We couldn't do anything.

I was trying to take care of her, then she would try to take care of me and our world stopped.

I mean, literally everything we were doing.

And then it's taken Another week or so just to get back things going because it's been a slow recovery.

But we say by the stripes of Jesus, we are healed.

And the enemy's plans to steal, kill and destroy our health and married and love it and other things in our life.

He's a liar.

So his plans were thwarted.

And so today we are getting episode 20 taken care of.

So we're glad you joined us for this and we recommend you go back to episode 19 because you're going to hear more about a little bit about our story and how this works and worked in our marriage.

And we're you you'll get to hear about how we were talking about Springtime is here.

See, the spring is a new beginning.

Yes.

So we're going to talk about how this lover's Dustin can be a springboard to help you start fresh, a new, fresh garden, so to speak, with your marriage and your marriage relationship.

We just want to let you know we shared this last week that we are starting a newsletter.

Now it's probably going to be another two or three weeks because of getting hindered, but if you're interested in getting on our newsletter, hearing more about what we're doing, some other teachings and we're probably gonna have something for women, maybe for the husbands.

It's gonna have updates about what's going on in Married and Love It.

You can go to our Married and Love it website which is at the bottom of your show notes.

Put in www.

Marriedandlovet.com and it'll take you to a signup page where you just give us your email and we'll put you on the list.

So we just encourage you to do that.

So now today there's 13 parts of the Lover's dozen.

So the day we're going to start on number one.

And these are not in the order of importance or how we apply them to their lives.

Some are a little more major in our marriage.

But this one today is going to be understanding ourself and each other.

I mean, this tip played a major role in healing our marriage.

And so we're going to be breaking this one down.

There's I think four or five areas we're going to look at in regarding to understanding each other, ourselves and each other.

See, not only do we need to understand our spouse and Linda may talk about this more, but we got to understand ourselves because that can hold us back if we're really confused about ourselves, but we're going to be looking at understanding the different personality types, the ones that Linda and I would use the five love languages, which I know a lot of people have heard about those.

Your family, upbringing, male female differences and excess baggage, the things that we bring into our marriage.

So that's what we're going to be talking about now.

We're not going to be doing an in depth teaching on each one of these because each one of these topics could actually be its own podcast, our own course.

We're just going to hit highlights and how these played a major role in Linda and I strengthening our marriage.

Now, here's a scripture that we like to use.

It's 1st Peter 3.

7.

It says, you husbands, live with your wife in a understanding way.

Live with her as a weaker vessel since she is a woman.

Now, a woman is equal to a man.

So we're not.

It's not saying that there are weaklings.

And grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

And then Proverbs 24:3 through 4 says, by wisdom a house is built.

And we talked about this in episodes one and two.

And by understanding, it's established, you see, as you take action to understand your spouse and yourself, you're establishing your home, your house, and your marriage.

And then it says, by knowledge, the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

Understanding, get understanding.

It's.

It's valuable.

Now, last week, I talked about how I put Linda in a box.

So I'm not going to review that.

But I had stifled her personality because we were two different types of people.

And instead of using that for strength, I chose to put her in a box like a jack in the box.

So she sprang out, and that's when we really almost separated.

I ripped the duct tape off of that.

That's right.

Yes.

Yeah.

And I didn't like myself, but mostly because I didn't understand myself.

Yeah.

And that's where it says, you know, get understanding about yourself and your spouse.

And then another thing.

I had to find out what was I made, what was I all about, you know, why did Greg want to put me in that box and why did I want to spring out of it?

You know, because that is just who I am or what.

What.

So I had to ask myself all these questions and figure it out.

And everybody in our family, actually, when we come to find out, we learning about the different temperaments, everybody in our family was one of the temperaments.

There's four.

Yeah.

And they.

We are all cleric.

And then we'll talk a little more about that.

The cleric's the Bossy one, right?

They're the boss.

They want to be in charge.

They want to be in charge.

They want to tell everybody what to do.

It's my way or the highway kind of thing.

Well, everybody in our family are Linda, Tiffany, and Jason.

And our dog was that way.

So everybody wanted or not.

Yeah, that's right.

We had to work through those issues.

And, you know, the things that attracted me to Linda after a while became the things that became distractions.

Oh, you were annoyed by me.

Yeah, you were being.

Even though that's what drew me to her.

And then the things that Some things in my life and we're going to.

Talk about things that I really liked.

About Greg began to be a go against the things that annoy me.

Yeah, right.

And I know y'all have heard this before, but a lot of times we can know this stuff, but God says we need to hear the Word and do the word.

It's not just we just can't notice there's a problem.

We got to have good intention, we got intentions, but we gotta take action.

Because we say be married and love it.

On what?

On purpose?

On purpose.

We have to be intentional.

So as we go over these, all these topics, and I'm willing to bet a lot of y'all have had personality tests through your life.

And when you work, you know what the love languages are.

You know how men are different than women.

That's pretty obvious most of the time.

And excess batch of it, you know what happens.

We know these things or we've heard about them, but what have we done with it?

Have we've taken the things we've seen and heard or know they're there?

Do we sweep the differences underneath the rug, so to speak?

Do we put them in the kitchen drawer that needs to be cleaned out so we can deal with it.

So we're going to review these things and stir you way up to remember and say, hey, maybe I need to take care of something here because I'm not understanding why my husband's doing this.

Or he acts like a man and that drives me crazy.

Well, why is he doing that?

Or, oh, yes.

I keep bringing up how my mom treated me when I was young.

Well, what are we going to do with how your mom treated you that made a negative impact?

You can't just talk about it.

You got to be a doer of the word.

So ask yourself these things.

Do you really know your spouse?

Do you really recognize their strengths and weakness?

I guarantee you, you recognize their weaknesses.

Have you got so caught up that's.

Easy to do so far.

So, you know, it comes back to the old things we used to say, well, we.

We catch somebody doing something bad.

When's the last time you went up to your spouse or one of your kids and say, I caught you doing something good?

And they just kind of look.

Yeah.

And you go, you took the garbage out, you cleaned the room, you sent me.

You did something good.

It's so easy to recognize the negative.

So we want to do.

Do you really understand your spouse's strength?

That's what happened to me.

I had to realize Linda strengths and use them to be a benefit for me, to help me be a better person instead of putting her down.

What are their likes, their dislikes?

What about their background, their.

The influences they've had on their life, their past life experiences?

And then as Linda talks about, do you even know yourself?

And a lot of people don't really know themselves because they're confused from the way they were brought up or what the world's telling them or what their past involvement center.

Maybe they've had trauma, been abused and had shame.

So when we misunderstand someone or we really don't know all about them, then we really don't know what makes them tick.

So what happens?

This opens the door to misunderstanding and then mistreating them.

And here's another comment that I came across.

It says, in understanding the differences, realize that your spouse may think or do things differently than you.

But here's the key.

Realize this, that each of you has equal value and that each of you must respect the other's uniqueness.

See, I've got to respect Linda's uniqueness.

She is not going to be like me.

You don't want a carbon copy of you.

See, if you, if you try to make the other person like you because you misunderstand them or you're not realizing their.

Their strengths and you try to make them like you, where you're.

You're missing out on everything that they bring to the table.

And that's not the way God made us to be.

If you've got two people that are identical, well, one of those people is not necessary.

That's true in the marriage.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you don't want that.

Yeah.

So don't try to create a carbon copy of yourself.

You will lose what your spouse brings in your life in regards to your personal growths.

So a lot of times these strengths and weaknesses that you each have actually are there to help you grow and to be a better person.

Well, how do we get that understanding done.

Oh, good.

Question number one is ask.

Ask who?

Ask your spouse if you don't understand something you're doing.

Good.

Be curious about it.

Listen, be curious, observe.

And if there's things you're not understanding, don't prejudge right there.

Yeah.

Don't judge them.

No, no.

Just try to figure, you know, learn through books and different seminars and, and don't try.

Don't assume that you know what their intentions are or what they're thinking or why they're doing what they're doing.

Yeah.

Because you may be totally misjudging or.

Missing, totally misunderstanding them.

So learn through books, podcasts, podcasts, married and Love it seminars.

And, you know, you may not like certain behaviors, but you need to learn to separate those behaviors from the person and walk in unconditional love regardless, for the sake of your marriage.

And just an example, last week I talked about when Linda can be on medicines and in pain and her, her mannerism goes the wrong way and she can.

It's not the proper behavior.

Right.

And she used the B word.

Could be what's going on.

It's not a beautiful thing, but.

And then she comes off a certain way to me.

Well, I gotta separate what's going on and why is she like that?

She's.

It's not personal against me, but then I get put in the situation where I have to put on patience and love and not walk away.

Well, bless God, if she's going to act like that, she can get her own medicine or go get her own water.

I ain't going to do this.

No, I put on love and say, how can I minister to her and help her get through this right now?

So that's what we're going to be talking about.

Well, here's some results.

It's worth it to take the time to learn and understand yourself and your spouse.

And here, here's because you can understand the root cause of each other's behavior, either positive or negative.

And you can be more patient.

Like you said, had to learn to be patient.

Right.

And you become more compassionate, compassionate toward each other.

And also you extend more grace toward them.

You know, when you understand them, then it's like, oh, I'm going to give them a little more grace, a little more mercy in that area.

And then you actually have more appreciation of each other.

Because when you, when you realize their strengths and then you can start to appreciate who they are.

I'm going to interrupt right there because I don't want to lose this thought later, but it says when you have appreciation for each other.

I know through the years when we've been doing things like Linda and I've been working together, we're out ministering or doing something and I see Linda gifts in operation.

Maybe she's walking around the room and maybe we don't know a lot of people in that room because we were visiting, speaking or doing something.

But then I see her walking around and that, that sanguine type personality comes out and I see her making people laugh and having a word of encouragement and, and, and talking to other people or making people feel welcome, or she gets up and speaks and is ministering or maybe she's cooking a meal for somebody.

You know what?

I can some times sit back and just appreciate the gift that God's given me and think about how I tried to put that in a box.

But I have an appreciation on how she can do that.

And then she becomes a role model for me because I'm being an introvert.

So I'm not the one walking around the room and greeting people.

But now I do that more.

Why?

Because she raised me up by her actions.

But then the other part of that is when we appreciate something, we need to tell the person we appreciate it.

Yeah.

It actually, they don't know your intentions.

You need to express that.

So.

Yeah.

And then when in the past you might have misunderstood them and not realized what they're all about, then you get offended.

Yeah.

And then it's hard to forgive.

Right, right.

You have to.

When you understand what's going on and you understand your spouse, then you can forgive them more easily for all of that.

It also brings unity and peace in the home.

That's great.

I mean, that's a necessary thing that the home needs to have, especially nowadays.

And then you're able to reach out and meet your spouse's needs because you understand what their needs actually are.

Right, Right.

Because they're going to have different needs depending on, you know, the things that we're going to be touching on in.

The lovers and the seasons of life.

That changes.

So.

Yeah, that's good.

And then I know how to properly respond to Greg when I'm not taking the medicine.

No.

You know, actually, you know, I can properly respond.

Yeah.

In situations.

Right.

Yeah.

And see, when you understand yourself, you're able to communicate what's going on in your heart, in your life, and you can communicate that to your spouse so they can in turn be able to help you more and minister to you more because of what you're sharing with them.

Now here's some areas we're going to go ahead and move on and get in some areas that have helped us regarding understanding.

Again, we're going to probably in other podcasts, all these different areas could probably be a deep dive because there's so much there.

But we only want to hit highlights.

So Linda, why don't you take off on one of the big ones.

The biggest thing, and we already talked a little bit about it was the clerics and the there's four different temperaments personality styles and we learned a lot about that in Personality plus by Florence Lydia.

And that is a great book.

We recommend it highly.

It'll be in our show notes, you know, so you can click on it or find out how to get it and get the right tile.

But we each have our own personalities.

They come with strengths and weaknesses and the goal is to understand ourself and our spouse and then that creates a better understanding and peace in the home.

Yeah.

You know, because once I understood, hey, I'm not like Greg, you know, because I was like, you know, I mentioned I didn't even understand.

I didn't even like myself because I was like, why am I like that?

But he's so easy going.

See, there's a good point right there.

She didn't even like herself.

But if you watched her, she was outgoing, gorgeous, still my young hottie teen angel and make people happy and go around.

But somebody could be somebody seeing somebody like her.

She was confident, but yet she was struggling with herself and understanding herself.

So we never know what's going on inside people's lives.

Yeah, we don't know what's going on in their head.

So here's the four different personality types and we're usually there is a primary and a secondary.

So sanguine.

And that's the type that is, you know, they're bubbly, they're outgoing, they're the cheerleader type, they're.

They're easy to talk with.

Blonde jokes.

No, that's not phlegmatic.

That's the easy going, laid back type person there.

They get along with everybody, you know.

They'Re the gifted ones.

Well, I don't know about that.

You got the choleric who.

They're the ones we talked about being bossy.

But they're strong leaders.

That's right.

And then the melancholy, you know, the melancholy.

They know numbers.

They like to have everything in order.

They're pre planners.

And like an example about Greg and I, you know, in our own marriage, I basically am.

My primary would be Sanguine and like I said, that's.

They're spontaneous, they're funny, they are demonstrative, animated, very animated.

And they love to tell a story and they tell you.

They tell it well.

They're very bouncy and, you know, they're a promoter.

They're.

They encourage other people.

They're very inspiring and.

But Greg was pretty much, for the most part, his was phlegmatic, which that was good.

I needed someone to be calm around me and really very friendly, very diplomatic.

They always seem to be the ones that have the dry humor.

Satisfied.

And yeah, they're easy going, steady boy.

And that's something that I needed.

There are great listeners and they tolerate things very balanced and they're content, you know, and so that is what Greg was.

And those are the strengths.

Yes.

However, like we said, there's strengths and weaknesses.

So as a sanguine, I would interrupt all the time.

I'd be very forgetful and over talkative at times.

Loud and unpredictable.

Huh.

And they get bored real easy and they're scattered.

Real easy.

Yeah.

And sometimes they can get angry very easily.

They're very naive, you know, they like the stage.

The sanguines do.

They want the stage.

You know, but they can be undisciplined, however.

Yeah, but a phlegmatic sweetness is they are indecisive.

Very, very indecisive.

They're slow and it's like, come on, all right already.

Can you make a decision?

They're blank.

They're blank and un.

And they're not enthusiastic at all.

Sometimes they're pretty fearful about things.

They could be lazy.

Some people could say they're very lazy.

You don't and you don't.

But other people experience that.

Yeah.

You know, however, if you got a sanguine that's ready to take off running somewhere and plug Maddox not ready to go, she might think he's lazy.

They.

They can pull back and help out now.

We both had some.

Let me just throw in there, like on my.

On my.

Phlegmatic could be indecisive and unenthusiastic.

Well, if you look at the.

Especially a strength of a sang, it says they are spontaneous, optimistic, inspiring.

They.

They take off and do things.

Well, you mix that with my weaknesses, you can see where a conflict comes in.

Yeah.

It can be very aggravating in a marriage relationship.

Yes.

Or when they're.

They're there.

She's talkative and forgetful.

Well, I'm more peaceful and content, but, you know, I don't dope.

I don't Go well with somebody.

It's forgetful, but.

So, see, remember, part of us, too, is all Cleric.

Oh, that's both.

So that's both of us.

So you get into the.

You get the mixture of all this going on.

You know, the Cleric, some of their strengths is that, you know, they're.

They're very productive.

They're strong leaders, and they're bold and.

But sometimes they come off as being.

Is like my.

My way or the highway.

Yeah.

You know, you got to.

Impatient.

Very impatient.

They don't tolerate things very well.

And some they can be workaholics a lot of times.

Stubborn, very argumentative.

They are headstrong and sometimes not even very affectionate.

And they can be very tactless.

You know, they come off like a bulldog in a china cabinet, you know, impatient and bossy.

So with both of us having some of that going on, then you can see in our own marriage personally that there's some work to.

To get done.

And see, here's.

Here's.

The whole point is.

And there's a lot of different personality tests and things up there people use for work.

And what we like about this one, there's four types, and there's bacon.

Basically, it's simple.

There's some other ones that have more personality types, and they have different branches of those.

And it get to me.

For my brain, it gets more complicated.

I need simple.

Yes, simple.

So the bottom line is, find something that you can use for a guy.

But now, here's the most important.

A lot of times I hear people talk about the.

The personality types, and they'll say, oh, there's.

They're sociable, they're the life of the party, or they're strong, they're stable, or they're analytical, or they're adventurous.

They're a leader.

And they may mention the negative, the weaknesses, but you know what you got?

The deeds of the flesh and the works of the spirit.

And God says to put off the deeds of the flesh and put on the fruit of the spirit.

Well, you know what our strengths are kind of that Fruit of the spirit.

Those are the things that.

That bless people and make us be a better person and a more useful person of that, and we bring value to other people.

But when we get these weaknesses going on and, no, we're never going to be perfect, but a lot of people will say, well, that's just the way I am.

Well, God says, big deal.

Change it.

Yeah.

You don't have to be just the way I am seeing.

You can't just say well, I'm just.

I'm just a bossy person.

All right, well, quit being bossy.

Learn how to be controlled.

Get your flesh under control.

If you know you're forgetful, we'll find ways to remember.

If you interrupt a lot, learn how to hold your tongue.

If you're indecisive, realize that indecisiveness is.

Could be costing you time and energy and destination and your relationships.

If you've got.

If you're a loner and you want more, meet more friends, get out and be a friend.

You know, I.

One day I was walking through church a while back, and I was walking through and I'd see people I know, and I might wave at them, be high, say hi.

And I just keep on going.

Well, some.

That's because I'm an introvert in nature.

Come a long ways.

But all of a sudden, one day I was thinking about my son, Jason.

He.

He's sang when he.

He knows everybody.

We can go out to eat and he's gonna know somebody.

Everybody knows Jason.

But I watched him one day when he was with church with us, and he was walking around, and he would go up to people and start conversations with them, and then he knew this person over here.

Then he's making this person over here feel good.

And I said, you know what?

I need to come out of my shell.

And I learned from my son.

I let him be a role model for me because for what I do and ministering the people and just to be a better person and to keep up with Linda, I've got to come out of that introvert and walk around and be that person.

So.

So on this temperament stuff.

Yes.

That we're talking about, there is an assessment test that can be taken.

And we're gonna email us if you're interested in getting that test.

And you'd be amazed at how it just opens your eyes to so much.

So email us at our Married and Love it.

It's Married in love it, 1977 mail.com that's going to be in the show notes, and you can know where to go.

We'll.

We'll get you that assessment test.

Yeah, but like Greg said, the weakness is not an excuse to stay there.

Right.

You know, focus on the strengths of your spouse and realize, too, that their strengths can fill in the gap for your weaknesses.

You can begin to blend together and complement one another instead of competing against each other.

Yeah.

You know, and yes, you complement one another and you begin to blend.

And just like with Linda and I and what we do with ministry stuff or we've been in business together.

There's skills and personality attributes that she brings to the team.

But then I bring another aspect to the team.

And as we get our strengths better, we complement each other and you fill in the blank for the other person if you're not able to do something because their strengths come in and you begin to become a team and you blend.

Everybody may have their specialty in your marriage.

So we're going to be doing a deep dive on this particular subject.

More in depth.

Right.

So that's just a highlight for that one area.

Right.

Also, I think I mentioned the personality plus book.

Yes.

Right.

So that's going to be in our show notes as well.

So.

So look at that.

We're going to go ahead and stop here.

That's as far as we're going to get on the understanding.

We're going to pick up the other areas on the next podcast.

But just want you to realize, again, you got strength, weaknesses.

Build your strengths.

Recognize the strengths in your spouse, encourage them in him.

Build them up.

And then it says in the word iron sharpens iron.

So one man sharpens another.

I'll begin to sharpen one another because you're a team.

And ask God, say, God, where do I need to learn and grow?

How can I be a better spouse?

What are my weaknesses in this area?

And begin to work on those.

And then you're going to be even a better spouse.

And you and your spouse are going to be unified in a greater way because when you walk in unity, that opens the door for miracles and more power to be released.

It's going to infect all areas of your marriage life.

So are we going to do Honey Dudes for you can pick out one or two.

Well, one honeydew would be to email us and let us know that you're interested in getting the test and a assessment for the personality styles.

And it will also have instructions on how to take that test.

So that would be one honey do.

And then I think the next thing would be the ten second kiss.

Yeah.

You know, homework.

Yes.

On what you're doing.

Ask your spouse if they've listened.

Maybe.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Get your spouse and listen to this one together.

Actually all of them but this one.

And then ask each other share to say what?

Even if you haven't looked at the sheet or anything, pick out the strengths that you see in their personality.

Yeah.

And then y'all can just have fun with it.

Say, well, see some areas.

Maybe I could do a Little bit better and allow it to be a discussion and then just join hands and pray and say, God help us in these areas.

Yeah.

Because all of this is going to help you to be married and love it on purpose.

Because God wants you to have a great marriage and not just settle for a good marriage.

Which leads me to homework number two, which would be this 10 second kiss.

And this is powerful.

And I just grab your spouse by the hand, pull them up to you as we say and say, hey, Siri.

Or set a timer for 10 seconds and give them a good old 10 second kiss.

Unless they got the crud going on.

Yeah.

Right now.

If they got the crud, kiss them.

On the neck, kiss their hand.

Yeah.

Do something.

But just.

It's that attention, the time that you stop to give that attention to each other.

Yeah.

So we, we built up probably 30 minutes of kisses.

We got to make up.

Yeah.

So we're going to cut this way more than that.

Right.

So we appreciate you listening to us and God's got good things for you.

Amen.

Yes, that's right.

And we can be what?

Married and love it on purpose.

Talk to you next week.

Thank you for investing into your marriage by listening to the Married and Love it podcast.

Be sure to be a part of the ripple effect of making marriage great by sharing this podcast with other couples to equip them to be married and love it.

Also, subscribe to and follow us on your favorite platform and be sure to check out our website at www.where you can learn more about Married and Love it and contact us with any questions or comments that you may have.

And remember with God that you have a future and a hope and you can be married and love it on purpose.